Redneck Jokes

These redneck jokes are originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are written by staff members using Jeff Foxworthy’s joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence.
The jokes are written in the “You might be a redneck if…” format, so you should append that statement to the beginning of each joke on the list.  Enjoy!
Primary Contributors: Stephen F, Michael F, Brandon W, Ray A
Additional Contributions By: Tyson C, Nicholas F, Sean F, Kevin A, Nathan C, Blake C, John F, & Tom F
Current Joke Total: 3482 (500 displayed per page)

You might be a redneck if…
Your best friend is a raccoon
Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend
You have the same number of teeth as you have fingers
You’ve ever killed someone over a “Kick Me” sign
You’ve ever searched for gold in your dead grandpa’s chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within
You’ve ever won money off of your dead grandpa in a poker game
You’ve ever had to towel dry your back after a fart
You have a glass eye collection
Your pet groundhog has bitten off more than one of your thumbs
One wall of your home is a tarp
You’ve ever shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kid’s back
You’ve ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer
You’ve ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs
You’ve ever used a handful of creek mud for birth control
You’ve ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee
You’ve ever gotten a concussion while reading the newspaper
You’ve ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye with a firecracker
You cover your kids with lampshades every time the social services people come around
You’ve ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost
You’ve ever had to wipe your butt with a shower curtain
You’ve ever put a living animal in an envelope
On the picture of your family tree, there are utility workers cutting the branches off
You think a Papsmear is when your daddy got run over by a forklift down at work
You’ve ever spit chawbacker in a county commissioner’s eye
Everyone in your family has one syllable names
You named your favorite GI-Joe Billy Ray Cyrus
You’ve ever shot a boy scout in the chest with a beebee gun
You’ve ever mowed your lawn with a skill saw
You were conceived on a Tilt-A-Whirl
You have to take medication for your plumber’s crack
You’ve ever broken a pair of toenail clippers while using them properly
You know what your little girl’s farts smell like
Your brother died playing musical deer stands
You’ve ever shot a hot air balloon out of the sky
You have a body part that is a tourist attraction
You’ve ever taken out a mortgage on an RV
You’ve ever lost money on a bet involving a ceiling fan
You’ve ever broken a piano teacher’s arms
You’ve ever deep-fried a frozen dinner
Your pet goat died and your wife breastfed its orphans
You’ve ever broken a bone while trying to stop a metronome
Your job is a redneck joke maker
You’ve ever eaten anything out of a vacuum bag
You’ve ever cooked Thanksgiving Dinner with an Easy Bake Oven
You’ve ever had a light switch embedded in your forehead
You’ve ever done a back flip off of a 60 foot bridge
Every framed photo in your house has PROOF written on it
Your wallpaper is insulation and 2×4’s
You’ve ever made out with your girlfriend in a deer bed
You’ve ever won a trophy with someone else’s name on it
You’ve ever tried to get a date with a telemarketer
You’ve ever broken into your little girl’s piggy bank with explosives
You’ve ever used a kidney stone as a Monopoly piece
You’ve ever gone fishing with a sawed-off shotgun
You’ve ever dropped a beagle down a well to see how deep it was
You’ve ever given a Happy Meal toy as a Christmas present
You’ve ever gone to jail for being ugly
You’ve ever corrected your child with a beer can
You’ve ever totaled a 4-wheeler in Wal-Mart
You’ve ever held a footrace in your bass boat
Your brother died in an apple bobbin’ contest
You’ve ever done a cannonball into the live well of your bass boat
You’ve ever found something useful in a roll of fat
You’ve ever trampled a four year old while on a fast break
You lost your virginity on a layaway counter
You’ve ever stolen a pinball machine in broad daylight
You’ve ever been convicted of involuntary manslaughter in conjunction with an air hockey game
You tape record A Christmas Story every year
You pull for the bad guys on COPS
Your momma birthed you and your cousin out at the same time
You’ve ever chosen to use an umbilical cord in a game of pin the tail on the donkey when you still had several other options to consider
You’ve ever killed a baby calf with a jackhammer
You’ve ever spent a fortnight in a mineshaft
You’ve ever had a family member entered in the livestock show at county fair
You own a collectible card with monkeys having sex on it
You’ve ever jumped rope with a catheter, ignoring all pleas not to
You let your kids use your dead dog’s carcass as a GI Joe training camp
You’ve ever delivered a baby with grill utensils
You buried your life savings in the snow
Your role model is plastic
You got put in jail because of your first kiss
You’ve ever slicked your hair back with fish guts
You’ve ever bullwhipped the panda bears at a zoo for basically no reason at all
You’ve ever hand dug a hole and slept in it
You’ve ever slept with a hoe
You’ve ever eaten motor oil on pancakes
You’ve ever purchased a breath mint endorsed by a pro wrestler
You’ve ever worn a mousetrap in your hair
You think Ronald Reagan invented oregano
You’ve ever shared a bathtub with your carburetor
You’ve ever accidentally decapitated someone on a ride at the county fair
You were convicted of capital murder in a bumper car incident
You’ve ever paid 28 dollars to skip one spot in line for the bumper cars
You’ve ever been so desperate for money that you actually sowed an entire acre of nickels
You’ve ever signed a check with a blackhead
You’ve ever put a coupon for Shake N’ Bake in the offertory plate
You’ve ever done mouth to mouth on a hound dog
You think cottage cheese is when you farted at the Abe Lincoln birthplace
You punish your kids with Rubik’s cubes
You once swam 50 miles of a local lake looking for Gilligan’s Island
You’ve never seen a road sign while sober
You’ve ever wiped your butt with your toddler’s Tonka truck so you wouldn’t have to refill the toilet paper holder
Your bed sheet is banned from flying over the state capitol
You’ve ever played a prank using real diarrhea
You think Bangladesh is a porn star
You’re convinced you cured your mouth cancer with peroxide
You’ve ever washed your kids from head to toe in a drinking fountain
You’ve ever given road kill as a wedding present
You’ve ever been in a documentary about The Great Depression
You’ve ever emptied a .45 clip trying to hit the Cheerios honeybee during a TV commercial
You’ve ever fixed a busted transmission with pipe cleaner
You’ve ever flown a kite in church
You’ve ever put someone’s eye out with a well aimed ginger snap
You’ve ever won an apple bobbing contest because you were the only survivor
You’ve ever urinated on the window of a restaurant without first realizing that the restaurant was open, there wasn’t a window, and a couple was eating dinner directly in front of you
You’ve ever tried to housebreak a hive of killer bees
You’ve ever maced a noisy litter of kittens
Your momma’s expensive chemo wig was stolen so you glued a sponge cake to her scalp
You haven’t talked to your father in 20 years because of a snowball fight
You made a family tree tracing your heritage back to Texas Pete despite being told numerous times “he doesn’t exist” and “you aren’t allowed back into this library”
You use earwax as C4 in GI Joe war games
Your wife uses electrical tape as eyeliner
Your idea of success in life is two raccoons in one night
You’ve ever turned a corner in your life because of an infomercial
You’ve ever looked at the ground and found a job
You’ve ever passed out from laughing at documentary on an oil spill on the Discovery Channel
You use your birthmark to pick up women
You’ve ever found your way back home using your momma’s varicose vein road map
You dumped a bottle of Allegra in your uncle’s Pepsi in hopes of growing back his missing leg from Vietnam
You’ve ever spent your birthday at a Laundromat
You’ve ever had someone wipe his or her feet on you
Denture Bond is the only thing holding your dining room table together
You’ve ever tipped a pizza boy with game room tokens
You can wipe yourself with your mullet and do so when needed
You punish your kids with hours in the tanning bed
You salt your toothpaste
Your wife’s water broke and your brother tried to drink it
You’ve ever had an aneurysm trying to interpret a stain glass window
You punched a proctologist to death because you didn’t know what he was before you went in to see him
You’ve ever totaled a pickup while swerving out of the way of a black cat
You’ve ever asked your wife to breastfeed a stray animal and she didn’t hesitate to comply
You’ve ever been kicked out of a religion you weren’t a part of
Your pillow has ever crawled out from under you
Your ponytail has ever become irreversibly tangled in a ceiling fan
You’ve ever tried to use d-CON to get rid of your rat tail
You’ve ever fallen asleep on a conveyor belt
You’ve ever pawned your birth certificate
You’ve ever broken your wrist trying to snap off the short end of a wishbone
You’ve ever busted all of your teeth out with a Skip-It
You’ve ever given a gunshot victim a piggy back ride to the hospital
You’ve ever gone door to door looking for work as a pallbearer
Your relationship with your grandfather was strained after you clipped his nipples off with garden shears while he was sleeping
You’ve ever fried an egg on a car radiator
You’ve ever run a school bus off of an overpass while hurrying to get the last frozen Snickers bar at the convenience store
You and your buddies get together every Friday night and play a game to see who can fire a bullfrog the farthest distance out of their pickup’s exhaust pipe
You have to wipe your feet before you leave your house
Your momma’s belt buckle says Hetero-Pride
You have a wooden kneecap by choice
You’ve ever used an illegally exhumed casket to create a soap box derby racer
Your bologna has a first name, it’s B-L-O-W-F-L-Y
You’ve ever sucker punched a little girl because her double dutch chant didn’t rhyme
A hurricane came to town and your trick forecasting knee exploded
Your idea of a pregnancy test is to eliminate all chance
Your significant other is a crusty, wadded up bed sheet
You recorded your child’s birth on a Yak Bak
You’ve ever made someone a road map on a Lite Brite
You’ve ever had a swear word shaved into your armpit
You’ve ever used bread bags as shoes
You’ve ever used a wicker basket to hold up your car while you changed a tire
You were once stood in a corner so long in school that the Dunce Cap had to be surgically removed
Your wife quit using gunpowder as eye shadow when an incident with a sparkler terminated her ability to see things
You’ve ever won the lottery and asked to be paid in lottery tickets
You’ve ever used chest hair as spur of the moment kindling
You’ve ever chugged tequila out of a top hat
You’ve ever been fascinated by a clothes hamper
You’ve ever fashioned a necktie out of shotgun shell plastic
You were a pallbearer for Colonel Sanders
You lost your index finger in a hoedown
Your wardrobe revolves around your tooth color
You’ve ever done “20 to life” because of a game of spin the bottle
You’ve ever licked the freezer burn off of the unwrapped hindquarter of a deer during a game of truth or dare
You’re stuck in a rut that has drawn media coverage
You’ve ever had your Christmas stocking filled with creek water
You’ve ever powdered your baby’s butt with coffee creamer after a diaper change
You found your soul mate in the glare of a placemat
You’ve ever sunbathed nude on a merry-go-round
You’ve ever written a note to your wife on the fridge with maple syrup
You proposed to your wife on the Jack Daniels factory tour
You name your kids after salad dressings
Your last name is something that is contained in a toolbox
You’ve ever legally changed your first name to your CB handle
You’ve ever made night crawler jerky
You’ve ever wrapped a Christmas present in tobacco leaves
You’ve ever hidden an Easter egg in your uncle’s facial hair
You’ve ever played a game of street hockey with a dead squirrel
You’ve ever made a career decision on an 8 ball shot
Your wife has ever given birth by mistake while in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever left a wooden nickel as a tip at a restaurant
You’ve ever given a friendship bracelet to a pine tree
You go to a church that plays Dueling Banjos during offertory
You think you have a legitimate chance of scoring with a cartoon character
You’ve ever found sustenance on a bar stool
You can tell time accurately to within 20 seconds based on when your dog has to crap
You’ve ever gotten drunk in a closet on a mild summer day
You’ve ever yawned and burst someone’s ear drums
You’ve ever been the sole cause for a mosh pit to disperse
You’ve ever paid good money for an animal cracker that looked like two camels having sex
You’ve ever dislocated your jaw while replacing a fire alarm battery
Your autobiography can easily be written on a bar napkin with a jumbo crayon
You’ve ever patched a hole in your trailer wall with salt-water taffy
Your wife’s wedding dress was actually a pee stained bed sheet
You’ve ever jacked off to completion while testing out the comfortability of a deer stand in a Bass Pro Shop
You’ve ever totaled your car in an abandoned parking lot
You’ve ever freshened your breath with Lysol
You’ve ever used hairspray as deodorant
You’ve ever engaged in foreplay on a bulldozer
You enjoy watching stray dogs engage in intercourse
You’ve ever made chili so hot that you could see the fabric of time
You’ve ever gone into a china shop and walked out with the deed
You’ve ever gotten drunk on beer battered cheese sticks
You’ve ever been so dumbfounded by a magic trick that you quit your job to figure it out
You’ve ever watered your lawn purposefully with your radiator leak
You’ve ever written in the nickname for your dick on the Presidential ballot
You heat your trailer with incense
You’ve ever shot skeet to the abject horror or everyone around you while waiting in rush hour traffic
You’ve ever grown a beard during a game of hide-and-go-seek
You live in a county where a woman was put to death because no one could figure out how she got that little wooden boat in that bottle
You’ve ever put a hound dog corpse in the freezer with the hope of getting it cloned some day
You got on TV because you can play the banjo with a weed eater
You’ve ever lost a loved one during a game of Foosball
You own a pinball machine rather than a car
You’ve ever fallen asleep in overalls that were still hanging on the clothesline
You have a thriving ecosystem under your toenail
You’ve ever popped a zit and couldn’t see to drive
You’ve ever held a barn dance that registered on the Richter scale
You’ve ever eaten a sandwich out of an evidence bag at a murder trial
You’ve ever held a lawnmower for ransom
You’ve ever chipped a tooth while eating yogurt
You’ve ever tried to bribe a state trooper with a “Free 20 oz Pepsi” bottle cap
You bought pantyhose from a convenience store to cover your face just before you robbed it
You’ve ever stolen a urinal cake from an airport bathroom because you were out of soap at home
You have a conspiracy theory about wind chimes
You own a CD that’s called “Belching Beethoven”
You’ve ever bought an “I Love NY” bumper sticker, logically thinking the NY stood for Nude Yo-Yo’ing
You drink a shot of whiskey every time that you dot an i
You’ve ever gotten seasick from watching a screensaver
You’ve ever taken your dog for a walk in a burlap sack slung over your shoulder
You’ve ever smiled at someone and had a tooth fall out
You’ve ever shaved with a cheese grater
You had the most meaningful relationship of your life with your next door neighbor until she shut the blinds
Your high school mascot was a dead janitor
You’ve ever constructed a potato gun that violated an ICBM treaty
Your mouse pad is your 4 year old’s scalp while he stands completely still with his knees locked
You’ve ever gone skiing and had to be revived three separate times
You’ve ever had a drunken fist fight with the man in the moon
You use the same thermometer to check your turkey and your infant
You’ve ever felt like you needed to get drunk in order to pass a Breathalyzer
You practice saying your ABC’s backwards every time you start your car
You’ve ever tried to enlist at Old Navy
You’ve ever eaten a scoop of ice cream after dropping it in a thoroughly used litter box
You’ve ever drawn a road map for someone on a piece of bread via bites
You’ve ever had to weed your teeth before a dental visit
You have permanent wild onion breath because of your diet
You got your name put in the local paper because of your subwoofer
You’ve ever blindly followed a grocery bag caught in an updraft until your car ran into the bottom of a quarry
You’ve ever been so drunk that you tried to pick up a chick on TV
You’ve ever eaten a Blow Pop just so you could swallow the gum
You’ve ever listed your chickens as dependents on your tax form
Your AIM screen name is beltbucklewifebeater69
You’ve ever looked up Jabba The Hutt in the back of a history textbook
You’ve ever gone to a job interview in an airbrushed T-shirt
You’ve ever tried to cover up a black eye with a peach colored crayon
You found a match for your kidney transplant, but had to play that person a hand of 5-card draw for it
You’ve ever given 50 to 1 odds on the gender results of an ultrasound
You’ve ever thrown horseshoes back and forth at your cars’ hood ornaments
The only thing you could think of or talk about on 9-11 was that wheat penny you found in your granddaddy’s overalls
You usually just dig up a grave when you need new church clothes
You carpet pattern is shoeprints in raccoon feces
You’ve ever had your belt buckle pierced
You’ve ever followed a little league umpire home
You think the term “Lower 48” stands for you and the other 47 people in your tax bracket
The color of your refrigerator is hidden by banana stickers
Your child’s science fair project had to do with spaying cats with a 4-iron
You lost most of your teeth attempting to catch a garter at a wedding
You’ve ever poured antifreeze in your neighbor’s well house simply because they owned a nicer grill than you
You’ve ever broken your arm trying to fix a strobe light that you thought was just a regular light flickering really bad
You are doing life without parole because of an April Fool’s joke
You’ve ever kept your kids out of school to get drunk and watch a space shuttle launch
You’ve ever jumped off the wrong end of a high dive
You usually just prick your finger when you don’t have a pen or pencil handy
You’ve ever let your kids camp out in your giant satellite dish
You couldn’t care less about anything that goes on past the end of the dirt road you live on
You’ve ever gone beachcombing in order to make a mortgage payment
You’ve ever unexpectedly cut a spider egg in two while shaving
You’ve ever shot your 22 rifle at the men working on the cell phone tower behind your trailer
You’ve ever purchased a fake ID after turning 21
You’ve ever shattered a rib while trying to get to the phone before the answering machine
Your local police chief got his job because he pulled the high school mascot out of quicksand
You burned your wife’s china cabinet because you thought it put you at risk for SARS
You’ve ever gotten lost in your front yard
You make ends meet by allowing construction companies to dump metal in your little girl’s bedroom
You’ve ever pulled your own tooth by tying your chest hair to it
You can easily floss your teeth with extension cord
You’ve ever paper cut your kids in the soft spot between their lips for sassmouth
Your wind chimes are kittens tied to the ceiling with bells around their necks
You’ve ever backhanded a little old lady for rustling a bag of candy around in church
You’ve ever done a gravestone rubbing on the side of your son’s face seeing as you had no pencil or paper
You’ve ever watched in awe and wonder as a copperhead bit your infant repeatedly
You have a merit badge in snipe hunting
You’ve ever tied your shoelaces in a knot that put the Boy Scouts of America to shame
You’ve ever had your hand badly caught in between the left and right buttons of a mouse
You’ve ever beaten a dog unconscious with a watermelon rind
The most advanced piece of machinery in your home is a toenail clipper
You’ve ever raced go-carts for your sister’s hand in marriage
You’ve ever made emergency anniversary earrings for your wife out of fishing lures and glitter glue
You have to run your toaster to stay warm during winter
The only reason you go to Sunday School is to fart and make people laugh
You’ve ever run a temperature of 107 and still made time to watch the Dukes of Hazzard
You’ve ever sunbathed nude in a random neighbor’s birdbath
You ripped out all of your chest hair when you dropped a hail mary at a family reunion
You taught your children what DNA is using pipe cleaner and a fully aroused donkey
You’ve ever ordered out Chinese while you were trying to make up your mind about your order in the McDonalds drive thru
You’ve ever head-butted a hornet’s nest for 10 cents
You’ve ever ridden a riding lawnmower off a 200 foot cliff in a concerted effort to win the America’s Funniest Home Videos grand prize
You’ve ever tried to help an old lady cross the street, but could only throw her halfway
You once punched a clock radio clean in two when the song Sixteen Candles came on
You’ve ever gotten a carpet burn at church for any reason
You’ve ever written your phone number down for someone on the side of a turnip
You’ve ever spent an entire vacation guarding the sandcastle you made on the first day
You’ve ever skinned a deer while lying in bed
In order to go to sleep you close your eyes and count pit bulls mauling sheep
You’ve ever literally bet the farm on a cockfight
Your granddaddy’s headstone was carved out of the kidney stone that killed him
You’ve ever written a song about a hand of poker you were proud of and Trace Adkins recorded it
You stuck your son’s hand in a wood chipper for chewing with his mouth closed
You’ve ever bought stock in a company simply because you liked the sound of its name
You’ve ever had a song stuck in your head so bad that you eventually thought you were the person who wrote it
Your tackle box has depth charges in it
The best invention you could come up with to get out of debt was a solar powered rain catcher
You’ve ever had a foreign pen pal who could run circles around your English
You’ve ever busted out some teeth trying to get the correct Happy Meal Toy for your child
You dynamited the sundial at town hall for making you late for work
You’ve ever set a wild cougar loose in an ice cream shop because they gave you the wrong flavor
You were born with a hangover
You’ve ever spit your gum in a largemouth bass, at the last second, in order to win the big fish prize at a local fishing tournament
You’ve ever waxed your car with cream cheese
You have a nickname for your glove compartment
You’ve ever attempted CPR on the corpse at a funeral
You’ve ever jumped off a Ferris wheel to impress a girl with five teeth
You attend high school football games just to point out genital-shaped formations in the marching band’s halftime show
You’ve ever done a line of shredded beef jerky
You ever burned your armpit hair off trying to use a scented candle as deodorant
You’ve ever thrown a handful of Viagra in your favorite fishing hole in hopes of something spectacular
You’ve ever written an excuse to get your kid out of school on a squirrel hide
You’ve ever copied your butt crack on a copying machine until it ran out of ink
You once snapped the arms of every member of your high school chess club because they were so different from you
Your landlord is also your tenant
You’ve ever gone tightrope walking in your living room
You don’t know what a skyscraper is
You’ve ever passed a test at the DMV out of pity
You’ve ever painted racing stripes on a turtle
You’ve ever removed the finish from a doorknob scratching your butt on it
You’ve ever pierced an ear with a rattlesnake fang and a jackhammer
You can hitchhike without sticking out your thumb
You’ve ever gotten so drunk that you stormed into a Denny’s and held a press conference to announce a new line of RV cup holders
You’ve ever run a transfer truck off into a ravine because it wouldn’t blow its horn for your kids doing the elbow jerk thing at it
You’ve ever dropped a kitten off of a water tower just to see if it would land on its feet
You’ve ever tricked someone into thinking poison oak is a good source of potassium, God rest their soul
You’ve ever cut down a tree in your neighbor’s yard because it blocked you from seeing their blender
You’ve ever flipped a police officer off just because you put a Bugle on your middle finger and wanted someone else to acknowledge it
You own a membership to a chaw of the month club
You enjoy the tangy flavor created by the backwash your uncle sometimes leaves in your soft drinks
You’ve can pickle cucumbers to the core overnight in your work boots
Your lifelong dream is to be driving on a bridge when it collapses
You have a spinner bait that is a permanent part of your armpit because doctors refuse to remove it due to the smell
You lost your girlfriend to a homeless gimp
You currently hold a world record 500+ consecutive game losing streak at Monopoly
You once caused every car in the field to wreck while tailgating in the infield at a NASCAR race
You’ve ever hotwired a remote control car sitting in a toy shop window
Your new trailer instantly burned down as soon as your pen touched the surface of the paper containing the text of the lease
You’ve ever shaved your armpits while in a courtroom
Unfortunately for your newborn, you are under the impression that rattlesnake bites will cure colic
You’ve ever drank out of a brimming spittoon for a nickel
You’ve ever harvested corn in the nude
You’ve ever filed a police description of a rabid animal that bit one of your children and used the term “well-hung”
You’ve ever been so drunk that you dropped off your outgoing mail into a box of playing cards in your sock drawer
You can make a crow call with your butt crack, goatskin, and a lot of butter beans
You bought a GPS in order to find your lost house keys and somehow it worked
You started referring to yourself as the barnyard pimp when you successfully got a female goat to mate with two male pigs and a stud horse all at the same time
You’ve ever picked blackberries out of your neighbor’s yard with a 15 ton tractor
You’ve ever carefully shaved a kitten and put a Cabbage Patch Doll head over it and tried to pass it off as a dependent for a tax auditor
Your definition of foreplay involves using a push broom to clear the bed of cockroach corpses
You’ve ever siphoned prune juice out of an old woman’s jaw while she slept in order to feed your starving coondog puppies
You let your blue tick hound sleep on your baby’s face because your great grandma told you it would cure the measles
You’ve ever spiked the punch at a neighbor’s one year old’s birthday party
You’ve ever left a barnyard animal to cover for you at work and got fired because it did a better job
You broke your wife’s lamp and tried to replace it with a plunger, a Frisbee, and a jar full of lightning bugs without her noticing
You rigged your own water line up from the creek through a network of snakeskins duct taped together
You’ve ever been so drunk that you ate a piece of corn on the cob and later realized, in the bathroom, that it was a Lego space shuttle
You’ve ever had to dislodge a spider egg sack from the corner of your eye because you got into one mean staring contest
You’ve ever desperately tried to put up belly button lint at the horse track
You’ve ever stood on a street corner and thrown raccoon feces at rich people
You attached a post it note to your tax forms asking for your refund to be paid in melon peels for hog feed
You have both the talent and marksmanship to defecate in a mailbox at 45 mph
You’ve ever mounted a deer stand in the ivy at Wrigley Field
You’ve ever given a relative such a warm welcome that you painted them their own driving lane all the way from their house 300 miles away
You’ve ever engaged individuals in high speed chases simply because you got a police badge in your breakfast cereal
You once made a poverty banana split out of Jack Daniels, a dashboard-dried hot dog, and some cottage cheese
You hire painters to repaint your house several times a month because you like to stand under the ladder and sniff the paint buckets
You’ve ever kicked an occupied baby crib into the fireplace because you were too lazy to go out and gather firewood
You’ve ever awoken with a hangover and found yourself spooning with a severely dented lawn gnome
You had your kids’ names tattooed into their foreheads because you were too lazy to learn them
You tried to impress your drinking buddies by putting a casserole dish over your head and sprinting headlong into the hot water heater
Your beer belly is genetic
You’ve ever choke slammed a little kid for following and shooting you all around the laser tag arena
You lost the graduation tassel hanging from your and replaced it with a handful of your daughter’s hair
You’ve ever given a hitchhiker your credit card number in exchange for some uncanned Spam from his rucksack
Your one-toothed, half-paralyzed granny doubles as a can opener and coat rack
You’ve ever found a mechanic’s nametag while combing out your goté
You’ve ever, very seriously, asked your boss for your paychecks to be rounded up to the nearest thousand
You’ve ever picked a fresh ear of corn right out from under the sofa cushion you were sitting on
You’ve ever sued yourself for something you did when you were drunk
Your mama’s left eye is so lazy she can look at the sky and see asphalt
You’ve ever had your water shut off for non-payment and took a bath in lottery ticket stubs
You’ve ever asked for your steakhouse sirloin to be cooked for 5 seconds with a cigarette lighter
Your fiancés’ engagement ring came from a claw machine, but cost you far more than if you had gone to the jewelry store
The window of opportunity for you to make anything of yourself was broken by kids playing baseball down the street
You’ve ever broken a vase in a museum over your knee because it wasn’t made in the USA
Your girlfriend, your mama, and your grandma all have a schedule for who gets the dentures when
You’ve ever used a handful of cow manure as sunscreen
Your kidney stones were eventually skipped across a lake
Your will explicitly states that your ashes are to be thrown out of the window of a car at a demolition derby in an attempt to wreck another car
You’ve ever had to rezone your property because of your mama’s out of control obesity problem
There’s a plunger in your outhouse
You’ve ever nailed up a No Trespassing Sign next to an item of merchandise you planned to buy at a later date
You roasted marshmallows instead of calling 911 when your neighbor’s house burned down
You’ve ever tried to take a restraining order out on your parole officer
You think Old Yeller is some sort of granny porn
You’ve ever shot billiards with your grandma’s cane as she lay idly in the floor nearby
Your flyswatter used to be a stop sign
You have a tab at the dollar store
You have a 5-pound bass hiding under the lily pads in your swimming pool
Your livestock barn contains so many Legos that you can’t see the hayloft
You’ve ever clipped your toenails with a heavily modified CD-Rom laser
You were born with a CB handle
You’ve ever practiced changing tires at a junkyard
The figurines atop your wedding cake were actually cigarette butts with smiley faces drawn on them
You carried your wife across the threshold of your new home atop a John Deere with the blades running
You wear the tennis shoes that your dog drags into the yard
You’ve ever peed in a Mountain Dew bottle and put it back in the fridge
You’ve ever stood on a bridge and peed on a passing boat
You’ve ever dove hunted with a Taser gun
You have to scrape the kudzu off of your car every morning
You had to repeat a year of after school
Your sofa cushions are actually cakes of cornbread
You glaze your Christmas ham with antifreeze
You’ve ever made ice cream in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever gotten gas for your lawn mower in an empty bottle of apple juice
You’ve ever used breath mint spray to inflate a flat tire
You’ve ever driven a car with 4 temporary spare tires on it
You’ve ever gotten fired for making rock quarry angels
Your bed sheets change the color of litmus paper substantially
You’ve ever made a belt from scratch out of duct tape
You have a picture of a dead hobo in your wallet
You spent most of your early adulthood trying to cross-breed Chia Pets and real pets
You’ve ever fallen off your roof and had your fall broken by a disassembled car engine
You met your soul mate in a wooden school bus rain shelter
You’ve ever short-circuited a breathalyzer
You’ve ever played a single game of Monopoly for the custody of your children
You’ve ever snapped open a highlighter to add more color to your lemonade
You’ve ever eaten the blobs out of a lava lamp as a last resort midnight snack
You’ve ever pulled a dog’s tail so hard its snout came out its anus
Your breath has ever been the inspiration for a Stephen King or Tom Clancy novel
You’ve ever flossed a tooth clean out of socket
You don’t feel masculine unless you use bolded, capitalized fonts in every single thing you type
You made your child’s partygoers bob for the idea of apples rather than actual apples when the economy took a turn for the worse
You’ve ever French kissed a knot in a tree for practice
You have two glass eyes because you stared directly at a solar eclipse through a pair of magnifying glasses
You’ve ever taken a vacation to the Sandwich Islands because you were hungry when you decided to travel
You’ve ever volunteered to perform CPR during an emergency in order to score some bubble gum
You’ve ever done a wheelie while horseback riding
You’ve ever tried to get rid of a Japanese hornets nest with a shop vac
You were arrested for asking for a dime bag in a Wal Mart when all you wanted was a pouch of snap pops
Being a parent got on your nerves so you put your child in a storage unit with a book of matches and 300 boxes of Lucky Charms
The only visit your website has ever received came from a Google search for “photos of Batman’s anus”
The personal website you made is located at
Your high school allowed firearms on premise for protection against the wharf rats
You wear a condom when you give blood
You broke a limb off a tree and caved a jogger’s femur in when he was about to lap you at a community walking track
You have been proven physically inferior to a man who had all of his limbs amputated off due to frostbite
You’ve ever made snow cream out of your frostbite
You’ve ever petitioned congress for a recount on the results of the civil war
You and your buddies affixed bayonets when you disagreed with a call at a little league soccer game
Your umbilical cord was cut by your eventual son
You’ve ever whittled your coondog’s teeth to make him look meaner
You’ve ever eaten rancid iguana meat in order to take a legitimate sick day
You’ve ever gone over a hundred foot waterfall in a burlap sack for charity
You’ve ever guessed a letter that you made up while watching Wheel of Fortune
Your pet love birds perished when you got out of control dipping things in a fondue set you won at a raffle
It has been your lifelong belief that eclipses are the sun taking a break, just like people take at work

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