Redneck Jokes

The flowers in your backyard have beer bellies
You obsessively collect memorabilia from a fatal drag race that happened 30 years ago on prom night
You roll in the floor laughing at “sponsor a malnourished child” commercials and have no idea why
You take out taxes and social security from your kids’ allowances
Your last Christmas bonus was paid out in dead 9-volt batteries
You’ve ever eaten the bindings out of a spiral notebook for no reason
Your hometown was named after a man who got drunk and did hip replacement surgery on himself back in 1887
You think cocker spaniels are illegal aliens
Your kids’ names were chosen at random from hot rod magazines
Your next of kin has hooves
You can’t spell anything beyond this sentence
Your idea of heaven is polishing your bass boat with your neighbor’s dead cat
You’ve ever gone grass sledding when you really needed to be foreclosing on your mortgage
You’ve ever been discouraged by economists reporting a bear market because you recently sold your rifle
You once had a teacher draw a picture of a kid being stabbed to death by hermits on an essay you wrote
You’ve ever had a working mirror tattooed on your back
Your front two teeth swivel like a saloon door
You’ve ever made love to your girl while simultaneously winning a carp fishing tournament
Your smile resembles a busted window pane
You’ve ever done a stage dive at a piano recital
The captain of your high school football team was still the captain at your ten-year reunion
You’ve ever called sideways when flipping a coin for money
Doctors can’t identify your blood type because alcohol has chemically changed it to something they are calling Type Bud
You’ve ever paid for a washing machine on a 100-year installment plan
Your credit report is stained with blood
You’ve ever rescued a kitten that was drowning in a jar of pickles in your fridge
You’ve ever tried to grow mixed nuts
You’ve ever asked a bar if they had Drano on tap
You’ve ever had to get stitches after a horsefly bite
You read your kids “The Stand” as a bedtime story
You are convinced that your uncle is the boogieman, even after 10 years of electroshock therapy
You’ve ever totaled a bicycle in an elevator
You’ve ever brandished brass knuckles because some old geezer couldn’t do a wheelie in his hover chair for you
You’ve ever peeled an orange during sex
You’ve ever found a four-leaf clover in your toe jam
You can spit a watermelon seed through drywall
You woke up one morning with a crop circle shaved in your beard
You can see wavy lines when you breathe
You can tell the difference between college and wide rule when you wipe your butt
Your desktop paperweight is a decomposing chicken
You’ve ever emailed a famous cartoon animal asking about how to dispose of a body
You’re paying child support to yourself
You can’t turn the other cheek because you lost it in a hunting accident
You bankrupted Planters on a commuter flight from Montgomery to Birmingham
You’ve ever performed a circumcision with a can opener
You’ve ever played helicopter with a hospitalized kid by swinging him around by his catheter
You opened up a scorpion petting zoo and made money off of it
You set fire to your child’s pup tent in order to scare him and his friends during the sleepover he hosted on Halloween night
You silently lit a child’s Superman cape on fire as he walked away because he didn’t say thank you for the candy you gave him
You think urethra is a famous black singer
You’ve ever been asked to sign autographs because of your coondog’s endowment
You got herpes from a turkey
The modified HEPA filter in your house has sucked in its fair share of songbirds
You’ve ever knocked a woman unconscious by snapping her bra
Your concept of the afterlife involves Johnny Cash cutting Mark McGwire’s ears off with a spork
You lost most of the flesh on your forearm when you tried to impress a friend by jumping up to touch one of those barbershop spinny thingies
You tried to spread Christmas cheer with a crop duster filled with hot chocolate and vallium
You’ve ever looked through a telescope at a comet and then kicked a baby calf out of confusion
You’ve ever bought all the tickets in a 50/50 raffle
Your turn to feed the baby at 3am sometimes involves pouring hot apple cider in its eyes until it passes out from shock
Your comments to an umpire at a little league baseball game resulted in pistols at dawn
Your child was suspended for substituting “foreskin” in place of “four score” during his preschool’s production of Lincoln
You’ve ever given yourself a spur of the moment colonic with a shotgun cleaning rod
You’ve ever tried to paint some serious artwork, but ended up just feeding all of the titanium white to a stray cat
After watching The Mummy, you pretty successfully replicated the face in the sand trick in your mama’s rolls of fat
You’ve ever rolled over in bed and snuffed a kitten’s life out like a scented candle in a hurricane
You’ve ever rolled over in bed and started a lawnmower
You’ve ever shot off a roman candle into a plumber’s crack while he was fixing your faucet
You are deathly afraid of Bagel Bites after watching Attack of The Killer Tomatoes
You’ve ever claimed to have a 47th degree black belt in order to avoid a fight
You’ve ever gone on a vacation without first making reservations and ended up spending a week camped out under a random bridge
You’ve ever put in a claim on your car insurance because someone ragged on the paint job
You burped Unchained Melody to your wife at your wedding
You were mentioned in a State of The Union Address during the section regarding poverty
Your visit to the National Archives resulted in Ollie Tabooger being the 57th signee of the Declaration of Independence
You’ve ever concealed a severed kitten’s head with a copy of Reader’s Digest while sitting in a veterinarian clinic waiting room
You busted out of prison in a hail of violent gunfire 3 minutes before you were to be released
You often refer to George Jones as the 13th apostle
Your barber only knows the mullet haircut
You’ve ever cleaned your toilet with a kitten duct taped to a yardstick
You carry more tools in your left hip pocket than Jeff Gordon’s pit crew combined
You think a 401K is an assault rifle
Your wife is so desensitized to giving birth that she fell asleep during the delivery of your 34th child
You’ve ever had a 7 pound catfish appear while you were running your bathwater
You’ve ever found a dead kitten in your tackle box
You’ve ever lost an eyebrow while trying to figure out how to turn off a ceiling fan
You’ve ever brushed your teeth with a lucky rabbit’s foot
You’ve ever had the Heimlich maneuver performed on you to dislodge a CB microphone
Your kids only recognize you with vertical lines in front of your face
You’ve ever slung a newborn puppy out of a clay thrower
You can shuffle a deck of cards with your butt cheeks
Your shadow easily has a better chance of picking up women than you do
You’ve ever lost multiple siblings in unrelated tire swing accidents
You’ve ever buttoned your wife’s top from your recliner with a 45mm
You’ve ever asked for a refund on a newspaper because the obituaries weren’t in alphabetical order
You think the song “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” referred to your extremely tan aunt
You cheer for the line judges at tennis matches
Reading Moby Dick made you excessively horny
You’ve ever punched out at work about 24 hours early
You’ve ever spelled a word at a spelling bee in urine
You’ve ever demanded that a deacon pull your finger in exchange for release of the offertory plate
You’ve ever adopted a kid because you needed some butter churned
Your successful new summer diet is eating snow
You’ve ever used mace in a poker bluff
You bought lingerie to jumpstart your beagle breeding business
You’ve ever been rejected by Ticketmaster even when the show wasn’t even close to selling out
You’ve ever left a beagle to babysit on your behalf for a month
You’ve ever used a banana box as a babyseat
You popped several every last blood vessel in your forehead when you got frustrated trying to carve a Jack-O-Lantern out of a basketball
Your microwave works with the door open
Your underwear is roughly the same color as the Mexican flag
You taught your dog how to shake hands just so you could prank it with a toy hand buzzer
You’ve ever totaled a couch
You’ve ever jumped two school buses in a logging truck equipped with nitro
You’ve ever mistaken your water bill for your paycheck and thought you had gotten a raise
You’ve ever applied for Welfare so you could buy extra lottery tickets
Your wife uses acrylic paint as makeup
You’ve ever opened a “Return To Sender” pipe bomb
The only joke you know involves the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s wife dying of a yeast infection and no one ever comes close to laughing at it
You’ve ever cheated at hopscotch with a handful of thumbtacks
You once rode a bicycle without a seat nonstop for over 300 miles and couldn’t walk for the following 6 months
You once turned your stereo speakers up to 10, hit play, and had to use subtitles for the rest of your life
You attempted suicide because you got too far in debt in a game of Monopoly
You ruptured your frontal lobe trying to win a game of Tic-Tac-Toe against yourself without losing
You’ve ever used a calculator during a game of 21 to determine if you had busted
You think Colonel Sanders got killed at the Alamo
You think pigs in a blanket is the term for the annual police camp out
You’ve ever filmed an amateur porno in a photo booth
You’ve ever counterfeited money with a Polaroid camera
You’ve ever taped over your home video of JFK’s assassination with Ren & Stimpy
Your idea of a lawnmower is a dozen starving goats
You won money off the Kentucky Derby by betting on a pommel horse
You’ve ever tried to catch a Bald Eagle with a slingshot and lab mice dipped in antifreeze
You slept through your entire birthday so that you wouldn’t age
You’ve ever done Vodka shots for your kid’s Show and Tell day at school
You think jungle gyms are a really bad business venture
You’ve ever started sleepwalking while on a rollercoaster
You have a tab at a yard sale
You’ve ever gone out to Trick or Treat and your trick involved arson
You’ve ever sent your kids out to Trick or Treat as dark ninjas
You’ve ever put your kid’s new puppy in his birthday party piñata
You’ve ever demolished a little kid’s dreams just by saying you went to the same elementary school as him
You’ve ever fixed a mess of collard greens on your kid’s chest as a punishment
You’ve put your kid in solitary for badmouthing Spam
You’ve ever lost a loved one in a Sunday afternoon game of badminton
You’ve ever found a tattoo you didn’t know you had, but then realized it was a place you always miss while bathing
You’ve ever done a magic trick resulting in your older brother having never been born
You think a hard drive is going to church with your diarrhea-laden granny on the fritz
You’ve ever made fun of homeless people on a TV inside of the TV/VCR store you sleep next to
You’ve ever been pictured on a milk carton, a little league baseball card, and a gimp man’s tattoo all in the same year
You’ve ever done a cannonball into a pile of newborn kittens and called in natural selection
You’ve ever let a motherless copperhead suckle at your teat
You think snakes were put on this Earth to remind us that length isn’t everything
Your favorite part of hound dog childbirth is setting off firecrackers in the afterbirth
You once found what you thought to be a bottomless pit and dropped a penny down into it, only to realize it was your grandpappy’s windpipe
You’ve ever been so thirsty that you drank out of a zookeeper’s mop bucket
You received a grade of DOA in your CPR class
You run two miles a day on the propeller of a steamboat
You’ve ever done a swan dive off a bridge without checking to see if it was over water or not
You’ve ever hitchhiked at a go-cart track
You’ve ever gone sledding down a hill that sloped back up underneath where you started
You’ve ever looked up into the Winter Sky and hoped for Corn Flakes instead of snow flakes
You think margaritas is an island off the coast of Africa
The only porno website that you know of is two spiders that froze to death on your backporch while mating
You’ve ever hit the Page Down key on your keyboard in an attempt to flip over the “To Do” list lying on your desk
You’ve ever been flipping through channels and passed a syllable’s worth of Jeopardy and passed out
You’ve ever felt something welling up inside of you and came to find out it was your liver text messaging your AA counselor
You’ve ever committed involuntary manslaughter on a seesaw
You’ve ever heard your dentist ask his assistant for the revolver
You’ve ever played tetherball with a bunch of squirrels bound together
You’ve ever fallen out of a deer stand onto your sofa
You’ve ever filed the bare spot of a Christmas tree in with coondog feces
You’ve ever been walking down the street and had a church steeple fall over into your eye
You’ve ever been taking a bath and realized that if you added sugar it would be just like chocolate milk
Your family’s constant state of poverty has been proven genetic
You’ve ever threaded your grandfather’s attached IV cord into a weed eater and did some trim work
Your kids no longer ask “Are we there yet?” after the cell phone bitten in half incident
You think people driving down the road talking on their cell phone should be executed by the person they are talking to
You can’t help but look at Elton John and be reminded of that nerdy kid you blindsided permanently one breezy summer day back in high school
You’ve ever tried to gain attention by going over Niagara Falls in a sock puppet
Every time you look at the sunset you are reminded of the time your bald uncle had a heart attack while playing peek-a-boo with you
You’ve ever attempted to fix your narrow urethra with firecrackers
You’re so poor you can’t afford the Parmesan cheese your found in the drool of a sleeping homeless man
You used your newborn son as an umbrella while escorting his tired mother out of the hospital
You’ve ever hooked a vacuum bag up to someone’s IV as a prank
You thought you discovered a new Africa on a fishing trip
You thought the fountain of youth was located between lockers 300 and 301 at your old high school
You’ve ever prayed for a landslide to end your mortgage and/or child support payments
You’ve ever tried to watch a leaf turn color
You once thought you saw a cloud shaped like a tax auditor and later realized you were simply drunk at your appointment with one
You’ve ever fallen out of a tree and landed on the other side of your mind
You replaced all of your chess pieces with mini liquor bottles
You’ve ever tried to climb the tallest mountain you could find, but couldn’t find one
Your daddy’s casket was carved out of the bass boat that capsized on him
You change your baby’s diaper once a month because it says “Good up to 20 pounds”.
You’ve ever gone into a coma during a sermon
Your trailer park has rules on cannibalism
You tried to remake Deliverance in your backyard but kept getting drunk and breaking the banjos over each other’s armpits
You once erected a tent in order to wait in line for reduced lunch at school
You think Jack The Ripper is famous for farting
You’ve ever read your kids Jack and the Beanstalk and secretly wished that you could have some magic beans
You’ve ever cursed at the bubbly Michelin man thing on TV
You’ve ever looked at the AOL running man logo and realized you just crapped on yourself
You’ve ever climbed to the top of a pine tree in order to see down your mama’s shirt
You’ve ever inserted a comma into the word “I”
You’ve ever used a fire extinguisher to cut an umbilical cord
You’ve ever slipped an asthma inhaler in someone’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich
You’ve ever ridden in the bottom of a shopping cart after the age of thirty
Your kidney is sometimes mentioned in introductory college geology classes
You’ve ever written a song to your girlfriend entitled “I destroyed your hound dog, but I don’t care”.
You’ve ever had to use a toothpick to dislodge a writing spider from your jaw
You’ve ever replaced your TV remote with your boomerang talent
You’ve ever churned butter in order to mentally prepare yourself for surgery
You’ve ever gone into a military surplus store with a purpose
Your three year old can run down a squirrel on a tricycle
You’ve ever gone down into the Everglades in search of a plug in the wall air freshener
You’ve ever tried to make your boat appear to be spooning with another pontoon boat
You’ve ever looked at the back of a dollar bill and thought about going to Egypt
You’ve ever eaten a Happy Meal in a Port-A-John
You once picked a horse because you thought 100:1 odds meant there was a 100% chance it would win
You count your first kiss as that time you bumped heads with a cleaning lady in an elevator
You have to go to a support group in order to stop your habit of drawing hash marks above your bed as a measure of time
One of your guilty pleasures is drawing a little maze next to your name when endorsing a check
You’ve ever gotten a tattoo of a better birthmark on top of your old birthmark
You’ve ever burped your baby during a bungee jump
You’ve ever said, “There is no spoon” because no one would wash the dishes
Your job is diving in front of pit-crew members so that the chunks from spinning tires don’t hit their outfits
You got fired from your job at the dry cleaners for swimming in a pile of clothes
You’ve ever gone up for a 360 at half court
You once brought yourself to Show and Tell
You’ve ever fallen asleep while clicking a link on the Internet
You’ve ever tried to find a long lost relative on the Internet by typing in their name followed by .com
You once spent two days at the zoo trying to kill an elephant with a beebee gun
You joined the mile high club before the “Fasten Seat Belts” light even came on
You’ve ever rolled out of bed and stepped on half of a puppy as it was being born
You’ve ever downloaded a ring tone with a jug being blown in the background
Sparks fly out of your pocket every time your cellphone rings
Your cellphone antenna has tinfoil wrapped around it
You’ve ever fallen out of a helicopter and survived to tell the story to your coondog
You’ve ever gone skydiving with a homemade parachute in order to win a free trip through the salad bar at the steakhouse
You’ve ever had a nightmare at a steakhouse
You’ve ever been talking to someone and bit your tongue off by accident, but tried to act like it didn’t happen
You’ve ever thrown out your shoulder playing Candyland with your niece
You’ve ever kicked a homeless man in the throat just to see if the legends were true, but then realized you didn’t know of any legends
You think a serial killer is a gallon of spoiled milk
You see expiration dates as a dare
You’ve ever tried to sue the bible for plagiarism
You’ve ever done a line of magnetic dust
It’s entirely possible that you may cause the next human Dark Age
You’ve ever accidentally inhaled the graduation tassel hanging from your rear view mirror
Your cap and gown eventually ended up as Exhibit B at a trial
Your diploma was made out to: “To Whom It May Concern…”
You’ve ever held your breath until you saw an IV in your arm
You once lost a breathing under water contest to your late uncle Harold
You’ve ever dislocated your shoulder trying to open a jar of maraschino cherries
You’ve ever asked for a raise even though you didn’t know what it was
Your local volunteer fire department doesn’t have a phone line
Opening the door to your bedroom can result in death 1 out of 3 times
You tried to fix your granddaddy’s cataracts with a straight razor
You need a whole lot more than just your two front teeth for Christmas
You thought the song Silent Night was about the time you sprayed for crickets
You’ve ever tried to use reverse psychology while praying
You thought the rhyme said, “Leaves of three, good to eat” and the next thing you knew, you were eating soup through a tube
You have to pack your kids’ lunches in cigar boxes
You think the Panama Canal is a fancy dentistry technique
You’ve ever pulled a hamstring while reading the bible
You got fed up with gathering firewood and bought a CD burner
You think lacrosse is the French word for Jesus
You’ve ever gone surfing on a hand-carved pine surfboard and came home in a pine box
Your beer belly has its own gravity
You’ve ever tried to scramble eggs using your living room floor and some clever jimmying with the thermostat
You’ve ever broken into a car after it had been crushed into a cube
You’ve ever broken into a car during a demolition derby
You applied for a job at the DMV and lost your license because of the application responses
You tried to get out of debt by writing the script to a Pinocchio vs. The Tin Man horror movie
You think Zorro is the last letter of the alphabet
You cashed in your 401K so you could show that carny that it can be done
You’ve ever mistaken the hallway of a nursing home for a driving range
You’ve ever played spin the bottle at a family reunion
You disposed of your Christmas tree at the dining room table
You’ve ever gone alligator hunting with a paintball gun
You have a bedpan sitting underneath your computer desk
Instead of leaving cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, you leave Beechnut chewing tobacco and white lightning
You’ve ever tried to fake a shopping spree in order to feed your family
You once got on to Jeopardy, but fractured your wrist trying to spin the wheel
Your sister was your best man at your wedding
You’ve ever used your Domino Rally set to scratch an itch on your back
You’ve ever whittled yourself a working DVD player
You’ve ever delivered a kitten with a spoon and a pixie-stix straw
You’ve ever spent one of your honeymoons in a Graceland jail
One of the training requirements for new Disneyland ticket booth employees is to put a framed photo of you up on their nightstand
You’ve ever glazed a Christmas kitten for your coondogs
You’ve ever seen a portrait of JFK in your grandma’s spit bucket
Your three worst habits are biting your toenails, chewing on Double-A batteries, and wiping your butt with photo album pages
You lost your childhood job as a caddy for falling asleep in a golf bag on a cold day
You’ve ever been married twice on the same day
You watch horror films for stress relief
You’ve ever had your deer stand stolen while you were sitting in it
The ring-bearer at your wedding was a pot-bellied pig
You think a dinghy is what you do off of the backporch when the neighbors aren’t home
One of the symbolic vows at your wedding was eating the matter out of each other’s eyes
You’ve ever brought a Game Boy to confessional
You consummated your marriage at the altar
You’ve ever rolled your own cigarettes using golf course grass and twenty-dollar bills
The only framed thing in your house is the eviction notice from your last house
You honest to God thought Lord of The Rings was based upon a real Civil War battle
You’ve ever answered your son’s foot when the phone rang
You’ve ever broken out into a sweat reading email
You’ve ever rolled out of a bunk bed in a furniture store show room
You’ve ever been singing karaoke and heard people blowing their horns at you out on the freeway
You didn’t have to buy milk at school until 7th grade because you were still being breastfed
You’ve ever installed a snooze button on your fire alarm
You once tried to make a real lightsaber, but just ended up painting a bunch of broomstick handles
You spank your kids so much you can see your reflection in the palm of your hand
You’ve ever unclogged your sink with a shotgun
You’ve ever opened a can of asparagus in the blender
You are addicted to sticks of margarine wrapped in edgeless wheat bread
Your contacts are colored flannel
You’ve ever tried to clone a turtle on a copying machine
Your favorite flavor of bubble gum is after all the flavor has been chewed out of it
Your voter registration form had coffee spilled on it and you are forced to vote Republicrat in each election
You’ve ever been accused of being a backseat driver on a 747
You’ve ever tried to ride a horse on a trampoline
You’ve ever sent in a mail in rebate, expecting to get the six-figure sum listed on the expiration date
You cheer for the announcers during the running of the bulls
The floor and engine of your car simultaneously fell out on the interstate and you went Flintstones on that mug
You did a line of mouse droppings for one of those new colored twenty-dollar bills
You’ve ever played with a gun in a hall of mirrors
You’ve ever played jacks with a rubber ball and a dozen black widows
Your shooter for marbles is actually last year’s blue winning entry for largest dung beetle ball in the state fair
You’ve ever robbed a bank and deposited the money all in the same visit
You’ve ever given enough blood to try all 31 of Baskin Robbin’s flavors in one day
You’ve ever tried out for a church softball team and got both cut and excommunicated
You once tried to teach your son to tie his shoes but you got lost in the briar patch along the bunny trail
You’ve ever turned red laughing at local news footage of a kid that got stung into a coma by killer bees
You’ve ever taken a vacation day in order to dial up to your internet connection
Your modem would have been obsolete during the time of Moses
Your kids have ever been screaming mercilessly for help from out in the yard and you just continued to sit there and scratch yourself with the good corner of a TV guide
You’ve ever put your kid in a playful headlock that resulted in brain surgery
You’ve ever slept through a tornado
You entered your kids in a beauty pageant and the judges gave them imaginary number ratings
You think absolute numbers are how many shots of vodka you can drink in one sitting
You take two creams, two sugars, and two burnt Kleenexes in your morning coffee
You’ve ever picked your vacation destination because of the in-flight movies that were going to be shown on flights to those destinations
You use your computer printer to break open walnuts
Your grandfather met his maker in your attic because of that messed up spring in your Lazy boy
You’ve ever played hackysack with a goldfish
Your mousepad has a picture of Elvis fly-fishing on it
You think Lou Gehrig was the archbishop of Canterbury
Your son has a disease named after a professional baseball player’s dog
You once tried to do your own electrical work, but ended up following the light instead of fixing it
You once bought a parakeet, but it was decapitated 20 seconds after in crossed the threshold of your trailer
You’ve ever used driveway gravel as last second deodorant
You’ve ever sniffed highlighters so you wouldn’t know you were at your daughter’s piano recital
You’ve ever gotten on a roll that just had to be rye
You’ve ever fallen in love, but couldn’t get out of your shirt
Your idea of holy matrimony involves mattresses and moaning
You’ve ever hunted black bear with a sawed-off slingshot
Your dream in high school was to not have any more dreams
Your entry into a kite-making contest looked like a swastika giving birth to a spider monkey
Your favorite show on TV is “When Laser Eye Surgery Goes Wrong”
You thought “To Kill A Mockingbird” was a guide to hunting songbirds
You’ve ever fallen asleep in a nice grassy field and woke up inside of a haybale
Your will is written in bright purple, size 36, Comic Sans font
Your idea of a soulmate involves beating shoes together as hard and as quick as you can
You’ve ever stolen a road cone and used it to insert a suppository
You’ve ever tried to fix someone’s marriage problems with bottle rockets
You’ve ever tried to get rid your hemorrhoids with a sandblaster
You thought the pilgrims came over on the Flamethrower
You think that every time a bell rings a coondog gets the runs
You make your own shotgun shells out of thimbles, gasoline, and Nerds candy
You have a trophy for making pieces of artwork out of your armpit hair
You have a trophy with two mules mating on top of it
Your favorite waterfall is when your cousin Jimmy broke his neck on the high dive
You’ve ever taped your son to an 8-foot ladder in order to get him on a rollercoaster
You’ve ever found a frisbee, a nickel, and a dead softball coach while cleaning out your gutters
You’ve ever practiced 3 Stooges moves on an unsuspecting convenience store clerk
You’ve ever put a horse down because it was the only witness to you eating your toe jam
You’ve ever eaten a quote a day calendar in your sleep
You think a doublewide is too fancy for your kind
You’ve ever run your pickup out of gas on an old logging road trying to find the end of a rainbow
Your family’s roots can be traced back to some dude that hid in a barrel of apples on the Mayflower
You didn’t have a mother per say
You think the sun sets into a hole in the ground way over in Jones county
You’ve ever had to reluctantly tell the dentist that all the enamel missing from your teeth was from an experimental Lego toothbrush
The first time you saw your reflection in the water, you dove in to save him
Your church has a smoking section
You put out your birthday candles with a 12-gauge shotgun and your brother was sitting across the table
You’ve ever trimmed your nails in the coffee grinder at the grocery store
You’ve ever gotten one of your moles caught in a zipper
You’ve ever used earwax as chapstick
You’ve ever thumbed your way to the mailbox
You’ve ever opened a piñata with a 12-gauge
You said, “Long time, no see” to your manhood when you went on the Atkins diet
You’ve ever searched on a search engine for that search engine
You’ve ever tried to mimic Drop Zone in your deer stand
You’ve ever looked down into your alphabet soup and saw the phrase “He’s coming back tomorrow” and just kept on eating
You’ve ever notified the authorities of a solar eclipse
You’ve ever tried to pay off a bookie in sand dollars
You’ve ever blown your nose in a hermit crab
It’s a family tradition to hand pull a tooth during each solar eclipse
Your family traditions always involve cucumbers and air horns
You’ve ever put Triple-A players on your fantasy MLB team
You and your sister shave with the same razor
Your sister uses a feed sack as a sanitary napkin
You’ve ever used a sanitary napkin at the dinner table
You’ve ever delivered puppies in a pie pan
You’ve ever deer hunted out of a hang glider
You couldn’t afford wedding rings, so you just did a pinky swear instead
You’ve ever had an inner ear infection that spoke to you
You accelerate at school crossings
You’ve ever maxed out a credit card at a fireworks store
Your bass boat is an old bathtub and a weed eater
You’ve ever made dentures with pink play dough and off-white legos
You’ve ever brewed coffee from Copenhagen
You’ve ever ordered an escort for Sunday morning services
You’ve ever set off a bottle rocket with a joint
You played Marco Polo with the minister at your baptism
You’ve ever tried to shoplift at Taco Bell
You’ve ever been too drunk to watch fireworks
You’ve ever done cross training for a telethon
Your first AA meeting coincided with your first day of kindergarten
You have a pubic mullet
Your best friend drowned in a game of Battleship
You’ve ever shot pool with a 2×4
You’ve ever let a dog clean your contacts
You’ve ever had to pry a lawn gnome out of your tire well
You’ve ever French kissed a blue tick hound dog
You’ve ever eaten an orange creamsicle in 2 seconds
You’ve ever lost a finger trying to get your change back from a newspaper stand
You’ve ever wondered if Siamese twins get two social security checks
You played a speed bump in your high school’s production of Driving Miss Daisy
You’ve ever spayed a cat with a jellyfish
You have the ability to pee the first line of Emancipation Proclamation in a snowdrift
You’ve ever watched with wonder as your pack of beagles enveloped and devoured a mailman
You have a canker sore with a post office box
You’ve ever had a pet fish commit suicide
You’ve ever used algae as the base for a salad
You think Hamlet is a 6-inch ham sub
You’ve ever coughed up a gumdrop from Christmas 98
You can see a dead puppy from your bathroom window
You think Woodstock is the end you hold when shooting a shotgun
You’ve ever spent 2 hours watching 60 Minutes
You’ve ever sat in on some random court proceedings on your day off from work
Your family bible has cellophane on it
Your 9 month old is on Nicotrol
You think opossum is the other white meat
You’ve ever lost a limb trying to change a light bulb on a roller coaster
You’ve ever been in court with Mickey Mouse
You have more children than you do teeth
The sheriff told you to get ready for a cavity search and you opened your mouth
You’ve ever made a Budweiser and deer smoothie
Your doctor used a bowling ball for your breast implants
You’ve ever used a Roman candle to light a cigar
You’ve ever popped popcorn in your deer stand
You’ve ever fried up the bird out of a cuckoo clock for a midnight snack
You only grow one kind of herb in your herb garden
You’ve ever put a sanitary napkin on a bulldog
You won the Iditarod with a pack of coondogs and a rabbit on a fishing pole
You’ve ever filleted a fish on a table saw
You have a group of teeth that closely resemble Mount Rushmore
You think the Super Bowl is in Superman’s bathroom
You’ve ever made your own tattoo with a ballpoint pen and a hammer
You’ve ever picked up a 6-foot party sub on a bicycle
You’ve ever played pin the tail on the blind veteran
You’ve ever remodeled your camper while driving
Your momma has dollar days
You’ve ever made an underarm fart sound that actually smelled
You’ve ever got a job as a skyscraper window washer so you could say you’ve sat in on some important meetings in the big city
You forgot to turn on the headlights of your 4-wheeler during your grandma’s funeral procession
You’ve ever chummed in some swordfish using your sister’s underwear
You’ve ever come up with and made an issue of a magazine called Playbeagle for your own entertainment
You’ve ever changed a diaper on one of those theme park rides that spins you around so fast you stick to the walls
You’ve ever tried to hunt The Partridge Family
You’ve ever parachuted out of a deer stand
You’ve ever had to take your hound dog to the vet because you tried to play Blue’s Clues with lead-based paint
You’ve ever used a line from Blue’s Clues as a pick up line at a titty bar
You’ve ever shot a songbird for not knowing any of the lyrics to the songs it was singing
You once raised your hand in class and had it taken off by a malfunctioning ceiling fan
You’ve ever practiced your headbutt in the mirror
The best thing you ever got for Christmas growing up was not getting another backhand for sassback
You are at the bottom of every multi-level marketing pyramid
Your mama had to pick splinters out of your butt every day when you came home from grade school
You thought the King of England was Wimbeldon I
You’ve ever been so desperate to swim that you did a cannonball into a muddy footprint filled with urine
You’ve ever been asked by management to not look around in their jewelry store
Your job is polishing the parts of mannequins that are covered by clothes
You’ve ever been electrocuted for a demonstration at a CPR class
You think whipped cream comes from Indiana Jones’ cows
Your smile has ever been described a piano without the white keys
Your hopes of becoming the next American Idol were dashed in a hall of mirrors explosion
You’ve ever put a hole in a Monopoly board trying to dig your way out of jail
You’ve ever stolen bowling shoes in order to do the moonwalk on your new kitchen floor
You were born in a bowling alley and laid in the ball holder until your mama and daddy finished their game
You’ve ever played Russian roulette with a single barrel shotgun
You’ve ever been on a reality show starring a black lab
You’ve ever shot at clay targets while sitting in the bathtub
You’ve ever left home without it and ended up washing dishes in a fish camp on Dusty Bumpkin Road
You’ve ever gone fly fishing in a mudpuddle
You’ve ever tried to unclog the toilet by throwing a can of creamed corn at the poop