Redneck Jokes

You’ve ever lost a leg giving yourself a pedicure at the car wash
You think low interest rates means people aren’t paying as much attention anymore
You’ve ever gotten your balls caught in a DVD player
You’ve ever clipped a newspaper article about the anniversary of cornbread
You’ve ever taken a nap in a circular display of Sunday dresses at Wal-Mart
You’ve ever broken everything above your collarbone because your dyslexia showed up in full force the first time you ever got on a treadmill
You watched your grandfather float away into the sunset after you switched his oxygen tank with a helium tank
You’ve ever stirred your morning coffee with your driver’s license
You’ve ever invented a contraceptive called Vagynamite
You thought an enema was just another awards show
You gave your girlfriend a bracelet made out of a chicken’s spinal cord
You’ve ever used compass during sex
You’ve ever wiped your butt with a chihuahua
You’ve ever lit a nicotine inhaler
You’ve ever played badminton with the dead robin your kids found in the gutter
You’ve ever cleaned a loaded gun
Your nephew has a large growth on his scalp that makes him look like a Lego man
Your only discernable talent is breathing on windows and writing curse words with your ankle
You’ve ever hooked someone’s IV into a vacuum cleaner bag
You’ve ever bought season tickets to pie eating contest
Your opponent said, “Checkmate” and you looked around for your wife
You own a stuffed grandparent
You’ve ever gambled with your offertory money
You’ve ever eaten a scratch and sniff sticker
You’ve ever argued about the meaning of life with your pet cockatoo
You’ve ever tried to shoot your camel toe out of a slingshot, but just ended up putting a big blue welt on your balls
You sold your Winnebago in order to make the next payment on your golf cart
You bought a golf cart in order to jump-start your pickup
You’ve ever had a sexual fantasy during choir practice
You’ve ever performed CPR on an alligator that was just sleeping
You’ve ever tried to come to a compromise with a rabid raccoon
You can hock a loogie as far as you can throw a softball
You totaled your jeep when you decided to start adjusting for wind in curves
You’ve ever complained of poor service at a self-serve gas station
You can’t remember the last time you shaved with something other than a shard of your broken bathroom mirror
Your career as a supermodel was sidetracked by a coffee pot explosion
You’ve ever taken a dump on your neighbor’s car and tried to blame it on George Clooney
You’ve ever shattered your forearm in a game of whack-a-mole
You’ve ever ordered a pizza at Chuck-e-Cheese and asked for game tokens as the topping
You thought Enron was a gay porno movie
You’ve ever tried to sign a check with the magnifying glass in the sun trick
You’ve ever had a wet daydream
You’ve ever had flashbacks after watching Saving Private Ryan
You can’t explain why your TV is messed up, but you sure can beat the heck out of it with a softball bat
You’ve ever tried to pull a tooth with a garage door
You think women sit down to urinate because they are lazy
You’ve ever tried to sneak up on someone on the interstate
You lost your best friend when he dressed up as Frogger for Halloween
You lost a good friend in a game of I-95 “Mother May I?”
You’ve ever claimed to have a double-jointed eyelid
You got scared one day because you suddenly couldn’t feel your toes, but then realized you had once again forgotten that they were cut off in a farming accident
You’ve ever tried to ride a pogo stick and a motorcycle at the same time
You’ve ever been so drunk that you tried to fax a hamster
Your wife has ever had to pull you away from a cuss fight with a mirror
You’ve ever bounced a check at an adult bookstore
You’ve ever made a raft out of paper towel rolls
You have a bachelor’s degree in carnival engineering
You’ve ever gone water skiing while being pulled by a motorcycle
You’ve ever asked for a raise at your boss’ wife’s funeral
You’ve ever gotten a divorce on your lunch break
You take notes during the Flintstones
You’ve ever used a condom as a trash bag
You killed a groundhog because you forgot to punch holes in the lid
You’ve ever laminated a ferret
You’ve ever installed a satellite dish on a kayak
You’ve ever built a garage onto your houseboat
You’ve ever backed over one of your prize coondogs and used it as opportunity to change a tire
You’ve ever used a dead relative as fertilizer to grow maters
You’ve ever gotten beat to an inch of your life by a mannequin
You’ve ever taken Aspirin as suppository because you didn’t have anything to drink
You’ve ever robbed a bank with a weed eater
You got fired from your job at the quarry for stealing slingshot ammo
You got set up on a blind date with your mom and ended up scoring
You’ve ever hydroplaned through a bank drive thru
You’ve ever smoked a Tootsie Roll
You’ve ever used a flyswatter on a lover before sex
You’ve ever cut a line of coke on your infant’s high chair tray
You’ve ever snorted cocaine through a rolled up food stamp
You’ve ever spent your WIC check at a titty bar
You’ve ever forced a poker chip into a payphone
You’ve ever dressed up as herpes for Halloween
You’ve ever played “I Spy” with a blind man
You do one mean impression of a carpet sample
You think milkshakes come from San Andreas cattle
You think Cotton Eye Joe is a lullaby
You’ve ever gone steady with something that wore a collar
You’ve ever lost a game of darts to a blind man
Your life flashed before your eyes and you saw nothing but beer, titties, and the thimble playing piece from Monopoly
You’ve ever taken a bath in a broken pinball machine
You’ve ever tried to kill a housefly with a sandblaster
You’ve ever popped a whitehead with a lawnmower
Bubble gum gives you gas
You think marijuana is legal because you can buy it from most of your relatives
You’ve ever replaced a fan belt with a dog collar
You’ve ever spent an hour of your life putting doughnuts and doughnut holes back together
You’ve ever held a skill saw race our your bass boat
You think decaffeinated is the term for a cow abortion
You’ve ever mixed concrete in a baby carriage, but something was keeping you from stirring it smoothly
You negotiated the prenuptial agreement between your nephew and his hound dog
The sound of you urinating sounds like bottle rockets taking off
You’ve ever put over 100,000 miles on a 4-wheeler
You’ve ever played Jenga with a brick chimney
Your wife has a handlebar mustache
You’ve ever participated in a drag race on a ferry
You’ve ever forgotten how to eat a popsicle
You’ve ever engaged in foreplay in a booth at the Waffle House
You’ve ever worn a rally cap to a funeral
Your breath has ever given someone a buzz
You used latex hospital gloves as balloons at your wedding
You think a latex hospital glove is a five pack of condoms
You’ve ever used a screwdriver to dig up your septic tank
There is no line to your septic tank
You tried to scare your infant away from the electrical outlets by drawing bunny faces on them
You’ve ever built a clubhouse in a mulch pile
You’ve ever tried to do chin-ups on a stop sign
You’ve ever dislocated your torso while trying to open a jar of pickles
You’ve ever been arrested for reenacting the final scene from the original Planet of The Apes while on the Staten Island Ferry
You’ve ever beaten yourself toothless with a monkey wrench in a an attempt to get the tooth fairy to take care of your water bill
You got lost in another state during your road test at the DMV
You’ve ever driven 30 miles out of the way for a one-cent per gallon discount on unleaded
Your left arm was blown off in Nam, but you were later able to buy it back at a military surplus store
Your living room curtains have pornographic scenes involving Disney characters on them
The punishment in your house for sassback is having a cricket taped to your left ear for a week
You’ve ever stepped on someone’s shadow and said, “Excuse me sir”
You’ve ever lost a thumb-wrestling match to a hound dog
You’ve ever popped out a hernia while trying to figure out how to thumb wrestle against yourself
You’ve ever slept on a footstool
You’ve ever tried to slit a Jack-o-lantern’s throat, but kept hitting a brick wall
You’ve ever gotten kicked out of a town painted on a mural
You’ve ever mistaken a rattlesnake for a Chinese finger trap
You’ve ever taped a twenty-dollar bill to a postcard
You’ve ever been counting the tiles on your bedroom ceiling and noticed a new patch of sky you hadn’t seen before
You have a tattoo on your arm that shows a naked rodeo clown riding a tortoise around on a beach
You’ve ever switched the baseball with a white lab rat during a ballgame
You’ve ever done a cannonball at the Grand Canyon
You think IcyHot is created by witchcraft
You’ve ever turned the car radio over to Paul Harvey and woke up in the Wal-Mart sporting goods section
You have your coondog’s name tattooed on your butt cheek
The bags under your eyes could be used in a third grade sack race
You’ve ever smoked chewing tobacco rolled up in notebook paper
You’ve ever tried to play a dirt dobber nest like a harmonica
You’ve ever put your grandma’s insulin back on the shelf in order to go through the express checkout lane at the grocery store
You once broke your shoulder trying to play ping-pong with a medicine ball
Your internet provider keeps his servers in dog houses behind his singlewide
You’ve ever kicked a noisy dog through a basketball hoop
You’ve ever taped your face to Wheaties box and took it with you to a job interview
You’ve ever sowed 15 acres of farmland with creamed corn
You never could get your parents’ names right because there were so many of them
You had 7 kids with the girl you said you wouldn’t kiss if she were the last woman on earth
You’ve ever jerked an udder off while milking a cow
You’ve ever phoned into a televangelist’s show to discuss the theological implications of clear stick deodorant
You and a friend have ever had a race to see who could max out a Discover card first
You once thought your wife had bought you new bedroom slippers, but then realized your feet had just slipped up under a couple of rips in the shag carpet
You’ve ever claimed to be good at dice
You’ve ever made a playbook for use during Rock Paper Scissors
You’ve ever had to see an ophthalmologist after a game of I-Spy
You’ve ever had psychosomatic amnesia
You met your wife at a sperm bank
You lost your job as the guy who paints lines in the road because you made a 90-degree left turn in the middle of a straightaway
The only two items that are ever on your grocery list are peanut butter and Q-tips
You’ve ever been arrested because you tried to drive to a vacation destination as the crow flies
You’ve ever washed the dishes with a bologna sandwich
You’ve ever coated a keyboard space bar in chocolate and then had to explain it to detectives three days later
You’ve ever performed CPR on a bullfrog like you would a human
Your daddy’s last words were, “Son, would you run down to the store and pick up some whole milk and a fifth of jack?”
You were named after the first word that was spoken on the TV after you were born
You’ve ever used a fuel dispenser nozzle as an ashtray
You have names for the gnats that swarm your trash
You’ve ever used a fuel dispenser nozzle as a bottle rocket gun
You’ve ever called the five-second rule on some chaw you found at the flea market
You’ve ever been so far behind on bills that the county cut off the creek behind your house
You’ve ever acted as a translator at a cockfight
You’ve ever bought a puppy as a Christmas gift, put it in a box, poked holes in the box, and then wrapped the box
Petting your pet typically results in a trip to the emergency room
You’ve ever played spin the suppository
You’ve ever fallen off a cliff and learned how to walk again all in a single night’s dream
You grow tumbleweed in your garden
You’ve ever taken a swing at a state trooper while still buckled in your seatbelt
You’ve ever misspelled ever word in a love letter
You’ve ever checked your oil with your ponytail
You’ve ever successfully removed all of your freckles with sandpaper
You’ve ever gotten vast amounts of skin tangled up a can opener because you did it wrong
Your wife has ever intentionally given birth to push her self up off the couch
You’ve ever made a significant mistake while speeding down an old mountainside logging road
Your life situation is classified as “run of the mill” by the IRS
Your son has ever been sent home from school for taking a dump in his cubbyhole
You’ve ever turned someone’s frown upside down with a 12 gauge
You’ve ever watched your uncle play spin the bottle for hours and hours with your seven little sisters
You’ve ever dropped your 7-year old down a manhole with a toothbrush to unclog a blockage
You’ve ever farted and seen guys in white containment suits following you just moments later
You’ve ever gone on a nuclear power plant tour and pushed your friend in the reactor core as a joke
You were banned from Winn Dixie for trying to perform a free cat scan on the laser price scanner
You buy neapolitan ice cream for one flavor
You’ve ever lost control of a rocking chair and killed a pet
You’ve ever fed your parakeet beer and corn nuts
You can gleet have the length of a football field
Your childhood tree house had yellow police tape around it more than once
One of your funeral requests is to have YMCA played on the bagpipes
Your front porch has ever collapsed and killed an ecosystem
You’ve ever tried to find someone’s house using a map of the US printed on a child’s placemat
You’ve ever cracked an umbilical cord like a bullwhip
You’ve ever spent two consecutive days of your life in a tangled up hammock
You’ve ever done body shots on a pot-bellied pig
You’ve ever thrown your paycheck in a wishing well
You’ve ever tried to paint a room with melted crayons and a vacuum cleaner turned on reverse
You received over 35,000 spam emails within 24 hours of signing up for your first email account
You lost your best friend when he ignored the “Do Not Touch” signs at the Museum of Loaded Guns
You’ve ever flipped a light switch with an untalented roundhouse
You’ve ever cleaned out your office with a leafblower
Your short lived stint as an unlicensed chiropractor involved having patients jump backwards off of a trampoline onto a haybale
You’ve ever gone to a chiropractor who used a crowbar during spinal adjustments
You’ve ever thrown out the first pitch at a baseball game despite the security officers that were tackling you
Your least favorite color is cinder block gray because that is all you see all day
You’ve ever been kicked out of a brothel for trying too hard
Your mom’s chicken and dumplings are infamous because she uses horse instead of chicken
You’ve ever tried to jump a river named after a state on horseback
Your claim to fame is having a callous on your hand that allows you to high five a fully operational charcoal grill
You’ve ever had both of your eyelids simultaneously caught on barbed wire
You’ve ever used peanut butter spread on reading glasses as welding glasses
You’ve ever stopped up your septic tank with dead goldfish
You’ve ever put a goldfish in a water balloon
You’ve ever tried to eat a honey baked ham like a snake eats a rat
You’ve ever smoked a joint in the back of a courtroom
You’ve ever gotten a parrot too drunk to sit on its perch
The only thing your parrot knows how to say is “We know you’re in there!”
You’ve ever gotten a ticket for carrying a concealed slingshot
You sleep with a bow and arrow under your pillow
You’ve ever interrupted a sermon with an orgasm
You think a goatee is a newborn goat
You’ve ever played hackysack with a stillborn puppy
You’ve ever made your kid a paper hat out of a Playboy centerfold
You don’t observe daylight savings time
You’ve ever administered a wedgie that resulted in a trip to the emergency room
Showering in your family is a fad
You’ve ever gotten a DUI on a hang glider
You’ve ever spent an entire paycheck cow tipping
You’ve ever melted a clothes hamper in the drying machine
You’ve ever washed a deer head in the washing machine
You’ve ever killed a litter of kittens by trying to clean the afterbirth off of them in the dishwasher
You’ve ever locked your keys in your car and couldn’t get inside to shut the sunroof when it started raining
You’ve ever tried to erase your name off a guardrail with your car’s bumper
You think an abandoned chimney in a field is the headstone for a dead giraffe
You see road signs as a challenge to your masculinity
The custody of your children has ever depended on a game of high card-low card
You got divorced due to a fight over the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama
You’ve ever been told you were adopted as a birthday present
You’ve ever engaged in a thumb wrestling match during the prayer at dinner
Your wife has ever put on her makeup on the way to work in the rear view mirror of her moped
You’ve ever put your paycheck in the dollar slot of a vending machine
You’ve ever OD’ed on Pop Rocks
You’ve ever had to declare bankruptcy because you spent too much money on chicken salad for a BBQ you held
You’ve ever played limbo under the barrier bars that block traffic at a railroad crossing
You drink milk recreationally
You make a living as a competitive eater specializing in spark plugs
You have an old-timey cash register sitting in your living room that contains the remains of ever hamster you’ve ever owned
You have EMT’s on hand at your family reunion
You’ve ever given a visible hickey to a squirrel
You’ve ever become paralyzed from the waist down as the result of an extremely hard swing at a piñata
You’ve ever thrown a kid through 2 inch drywall in order to win a game of musical chairs
You’ve ever thrown your infant up in the air to knock down a foul ball at a baseball game
You can’t figure out what movie was on the movie poster on your bedroom wall due to the amount of bodily fluids on it
You were setting off firecrackers in the grassy knoll at the exact moment that Kennedy got shot
You’ve ever shot your dog while trying to break it of its “gun shy”
You’ve ever blown a circuit breaker using sex toys
You stutter while sending morse code
You’ve ever called a sex hotline in your sleep
You’ve ever broken into a house and the only thing you took was a shower
You’ve ever paid for an extended service plan on a pack of firecrackers
Your credit score is lower than your cholesterol
You once had a friend who faked committing suicide for April Fool’s, but messed up the “faked” part
You’ve ever swung your fist to hit the snooze button on your alarm clock, but swung to the wrong side and busted several of your wife’s teeth out
You’ve ever won a heated auction for an expired Christmas ham
You’ever skipped a bare DVD across the parking lot surface and into the return box at the video store
When you watch American Idol you talk more about how you want to sexually assault the female contestants rather than how they sang
You’ve ever built a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of snuff sticks
You’ve ever remodeled a room of your house just to fit your new widescreen TV in it
You’ve ever drawn penetration on a lite brite
Your wife gave birth onto a tray on nachos because you wanted to finish watching the game
You’ve ever taken your kids to see Jenna Jameson On Ice
You’ve ever spiked the punch at a kindergarten graduation
The pages of your National Geographics that have naked native women on them are stuck together
You’ve ever put pantyhose over your head to keep mosquitoes from biting you and walked into the bank without remembering to take it off
You’ve ever put down a horse at a race, as a spectator
You’ve ever dislocated your shoulder and left it that way because it looked cool
Your 1200 pound mama had CPR performed on her with a land mine and a leafblower
You found your daddy’s class ring inside of your sister
Your daddy told you that snow was the ashes of people killed in a mid-air plane collision
You’ve ever stolen all the ropes and sandbags off of a hot air balloon you saw sitting in a field
You’ve ever received a letter from The Museum of Natural History stating that your personal species had been reclassified to Homo Inbredicus
Your bed springs’ squeaks sound like howler monkey sex
The first time you ever went in for a physical, you left with a handful of teeth
You’ve ever fallen out of an elephant, much to the surprise of an onlooking zookeeper
You’ve ever used a live squirrel as a wash cloth
You’ve ever busted the screens out of two old TV’s to make bunk beds for your kids
Your daddy taught you how to shave, but didn’t get to the part about shaving your face for weeks
You are allergic to freshness
You’ve ever dropped a bowling ball onto someone’s head as they walked into a restaurant, as you once again took April Fool’s day too far
You’ve ever rolled a gutter ball with the bumpers up
You’ve ever had a strike 17 lanes over from your own
You had to get your wife help for coping with a loss when she kept a stillborn great dane in her cleavage for 3 weeks
You’ve ever been abducted by aliens because one of them decided to play devil’s advocate about humanity’s intelligence
You’ve ever found a fly in your soup at a restaurant and slapped it so hard that the cook got wet
You’ve ever lost significant amounts of flesh at the end of an escalator
You’ve ever given your child an entire bottle of Exlax before a visit to the fake Santa Claus at the mall (but never got to see your prank in action as he crapped his intestines out on the drive to the mall)
You’ve ever tucked your kid into bed so hard that the coroner couldn’t even perform an autopsy
You’ve ever been asked by the police “Why did you kill Mrs. Williams?” and you replied, “Because.”
Your goal in golf is to shoot lower than your SAT scores, at which point you will be the best player in the world
You’ve ever snapped so hard that your middle finger became embedded in the fat pad of your hand
You’ve ever struck oil by shooting at a rabbit and then missing and hitting the ground, followed by selling your property, moving to Beverly Hills, and having crazy adventures involving your banker
You’ve ever been shaved too far out on the shaft and took off the tops of several critical veins
You’ve ever tried the age old movie trick of breathing underwater using a reed, but found out a limb off of an oak tree doesn’t work
Your mom wouldn’t buy you a Snicker’s bar at the grocery store and you threw a temper tantrum that scared the heck out of your wife and kids
You lost all 4 limbs after you dropped your i-pod in the shark tank at the state aquarium
You signed your five year old up for karate lessons so he could fight off the pack of wild dogs that ransacks your garbage every night
After years of training, G force tests, and weightless environments, you were able to call your friend and say, “You were right man, it’s not made of cheese.”
You’ve ever walked out of a convenience store with the jar full of pennies for leukemia, poured them on the train tracks, and pulled up a lawn chair
Your strategy at Battleship is not putting your ships on the playing board in the first place
You scored negative points on one of those Hot or Not websites
You’ve ever tried to pass off a single collard green leaf as a twenty dollar bill at the grocery store
You tried to set the world record for eating pickles in a minute and although you failed, you were offered a job at the local gay bar
You once made an animal balloon by not doing anything at all to the balloon, but no one got the joke
You won a set of speech improvement tapes at an auction and gave them to the auctioneer
You set the world record for the most consecutive years working in an unlit, unventilated coal mine shaft without a mask on, but never got to see your name in the record book because you coughed blood up all over it
You’ve ever held hands with the person in the stall beside of you because you were convinced you were, instead, having a baby
You’ve ever run over a curb in order to miss a speed bump
You’ve ever cut a birthday cake with a machete
You can see Orion’s Belt while laying in bed
The exact duplicate of your family portrait is hanging on the wall at the post office
You’ve ever spent Sunday afternoon looking at your testicles under your son’s toy microscope
You’ve ever strained so hard in the bathroom that your skin was peeling a couple of days later
You’ve ever worn a kilt because you didn’t have any clean underwear
You hid your wife’s anniversary present in the shower and got away with it
You’ve ever shined a flashlight in the general direction of your dresser and saw three sets of eyes
You’ve ever held someone at gunpoint on a treadmill
You’ve ever looked out the window at work and saw smoke on the horizon and later came to find out it was caused by your mama getting trapped in her new tanning bed
You’ve ever been saved from drowning by a fart
You have multiple inmate wristbands hung as ornaments on your Christmas tree
You’ve ever dug out of county jail with a stainless steel dinner spoon during an overnight lock up
Your coonhound’s funeral charges cost more than the birth of your first child
You’ve ever played a game of truth or dare that resulted in the deaths of thousands
You stole and pickled your neighbor’s pet canaries after one of them bit your finger during a recent visit
You survived a nose diving plane crash when the pile of trash and chewing tobacco in front of you cushioned the impact
You’ve ever made change in the Salvation Army bucket
You’ve ever taken someone with Alzheimer’s to the zoo and told them the polar bears were actually bank tellers and it ended up winning the 10,000 prize on AFV
You eventually rubbed the skin off the side of your index finger after losing your toothbrush several months back
Your passenger side floorboard looks like a homeless man has been living there for the past three years
Upon regaining consciousness, you recalled having been very cold and lighting your truck’s cup holder full of gasoline to warm yourself up
You’ve ever given a dead coondog a 21 beebee gun salute
You’ve ever used a gall stone to prop a door open
You’ve ever been given your pink slip in the form of paper airplane
You’ve ever had a psychosomatic out of body experience
You’ve ever scraped the tartar off your teeth and used it as paste for scrapbook photos
You’ve ever used a pitbull to remove stiches
You’ve ever removed all the tread from a new tire in a single burnout
You declined being an organ donor at the DMV because you had already promised your nephew he could take them in to Show & Tell
You’ve ever lost a pasture full of horses due to a Super Bowl bet
You’ve ever run someone off a bridge during a funeral procession
Everything on your mantle came from the landfill
You’ve ever irreversibly crippled a boy scout for measuring something in meters rather than yards
You’ve ever found a hornet nest in your closet while looking for a flannel shirt
You didn’t have milk in your house when you were a child, so your mama filled your baby bottle up with ranch dressing
You baptized your dog
You’ve ever pushed a hearse through a red light
You’ve ever done a burnout during a funeral procession
You’ve ever held your baby’s head down in a bowling ball polisher
You had to hold a financial officer at gunpoint to get the rebel flag as the background on your Visa check card
You ever blush around farm animals
Your blow up doll has four legs
You’ve ever been walking down the aisle in a wedding and spontaneously broke out into a military chant
Your goat sang at your wedding
You can tie a lasso in your sleep
You had to have plastic surgery after the cake exchange at your wedding
You’ve ever cracked a 1-inch thick aquarium while trying to get a fish’s attention
You’ve ever flipped and totaled your car and took the opportunity to program the stations into your radio while waiting for the jaws of life to arrive
You’ve ever shattered your son’s forearm while stuffing his shot at an arcade free throw game
You made the kids hit baby mice off of the tee at tee ball practice so they would develop a killer instinct at the plate
Your wedding tuxedo was John Deer green
You’ve ever made a dog house out of road signs
You’ve ever watched a Taco Ball employee violate your friend’s 7 layer burrito, but you decided not tell him so you could get to your church league softball game on time
You’ve ever lost a 3.5” floppy in a roll of fat
You’ve ever gone window shopping while pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks
You’ve ever had your living room furniture stolen, only to buy an exact replica of it on ebay, even down to the name “Jack” carved on the underside of the rocking chair
When you came out of your coma the last thing you remember was lying about having a steel plate in your head as you were being rolled into the MRI
You watched The Ring and promptly burned all your VHS cassettes and switched to City water
You’ve ever caught on fire but could only remember two of the instructions and looked like a burning dumbass trying to roll while standing
Your kid walked into kindergarten on his first day and several hundred silverfish came crawling out of his clothes, ruining his social life for all eternity
Your kid couldn’t make friends in kindergarten because getting near him resulted in numerous chigger, tick, raccoon, and buzzard bites
Your cat suddenly found itself mummified after you watched Discovery Channel all night
You’ve ever pulled a stray cat apart with two tractors because you didn’t have anything better to do after church
You’ve ever gotten so badly lost in a corn maze that they had to burn it down to find you
You took a test in third grade to see what you would be when you grew up and it specifically stated that you would put grease in the joints of an industrial grinder at the local grist mill
Someone showed you your house on Google Earth and you stabbed them in the heart with your car keys without even a second thought
You’ve ever lost a karaoke contest to a mime
You threw a theatre manager through a candy display case when your movie showed the disclaimer “No animals were harmed in the making of this film”
You’ve ever rolled a car off a fifty foot embankment just to verify its crash test rating
Your county still has a public meeting each month at which residents name witches and communists for hanging
You’ve ever pulled the cord on a parachute and saw your laundry go floating off into the troposphere
You’ve ever blown away most of your passenger door on the way home from the taxidermist
You’ve ever been so hungry that you ate the World War 2 rations your granddaddy left behind to you
You’ve ever generated a dingleberry larger than a little league baseball
You’ve ever entered a dingleberry in the fair even when they instructed you not to
You can’t walk through any room in your house without having to kick headless Barbie dolls out of the way
You lost two good friends when you accidentally mixed up a bear trap with a whoopee cushion
The 55 gallon drums that your buddies tied to the back of your car at your wedding resulted in twelve deaths during the 3 mile drive to your honeymoon destination
You tried to imitate that guy in the “Astronaut Farmer” movie but just ended up tying 75,000 bottle rockets to a 55 gallon drum with a lawn chair in it
You filmed your own homemade episode of Man Vs. Wild where you ate most of a herd of antelope, much to the chagrin of a zoo owner
You have the 37th most popular channel on YouTube because all you do all day is film yourself feeding crystal meth to barnyard animals
You’ve ever borrowed the three prong adapter off of a life support cord that was in use
You’ve ever flipped a burn victim off of a stretcher so you could catch a big wave
You’ve ever snorted an apple barrel full of cocaine over Labor Day Weekend
Your childhood spelling bee championships were stripped from you when it was found out that you were using performance enhancing drugs
You’ve ever gotten drunk with a statue
Your wife has ever breastfed your child while lying in a tanning bed
You dumped water on your computer when a tech support guy told you to disable your firewall
The following letters are worn off of your keyboard: B E A S T I L Y
You’ve ever thrown firecrackers in a casket as it was being closed for the last time
You’ve ever put up an erotic tribute collage at a funeral
You’ve ever gotten whiplash from having sex with a farm animal
You’ve ever had constipation so bad that you opted to have a C-Section
You cancelled your vasectomy appointment after you let your kids use your genitals as enemies while playing with Transformers
You have a lifetime ban from NASA facilities after you successfully launched a sub-orbital spacecraft during a 15 minute tour of Cape Canaveral
You’ve ever pulled an eyelid clean off while tossing a salad
You went all in pre-flop with 2-7 off-suit during the first hand of the WSOP Main Event that you spent your life savings to enter
You’ve ever thrown a Frisbee so hard that you found thereafter that your right hand was capable of touching its own elbow
You’ve ever pole vaulted over a 60 foot prison wall without realizing the repercussions of the other side
You’ve ever put racing stripes and a spoiler on a condom
You’ve ever gotten wasted during a blood transfusion
You are the ringleader of an infamous underground gerbil fighting circuit
You’ve ever lost your job by adhering to a jinx all day
You’ve ever held a newborn rabbit over a flaming trash can in order to get a refund on a DVD at Best Buy
You did doughnuts on the green after your first career triple bogey
You’ve ever spent funeral arrangement funds on line dancing lessons
Your high school football team’s reputation for immense speed is attributed to not being weighed down by teeth
You went on a diet based around eating sticks of butter, but it was not until the 8th quad bypass that you figured out something was wrong
You got an office job, but lost it when no one could pass your cubicle without getting a timberwolf bite
You’ve ever lost 28 years of perfect dental hygiene on one stubborn pistachio
You’ve ever taken critical bolts out of a rollercoaster as a vacation souvenir
Your little girl hosted a sleepover and you scared them by cutting her puppy’s head off with a pair of garden shears
You’ve ever practiced anesthesia without a license or any idea of what you were doing
You’ve ever been too drunk to point at light
You wear 14 elastic underwear bands taped together rather than buying a new pair
Your wife bought tickets to the opera and you faked your death
Your favorite dessert is Moon Pies floating in singed Velveeta
You’ve never forwarded an email that didn’t result in the termination of your employment
You’ve ever tested a homemade catapult on a full grown horse
You’ve ever tossed some solar panels up on your roof to make yourself look more progressive
You wrote your college thesis on how mayonnaise would end world hunger
Your love for archery resulted in multiple stomas for your pets
You’ve ever carried a suitcase full of disguises into church so you could get drunk during communion
You’ve ever held a funeral procession in a whitewater raft
You’ve ever had to talk to your child about being accepting of their imaginary friend’s lifestyle choice
You no longer cook anything unless it has first been marinated in whiskey or bourbon
Mathematicians estimate that you’ve been fired from 1.1 jobs per day over the last 7 years
You’ve ever walked into a job interview and heard the interviewers whisper “It’s him” to each other
You carry your lunch to work with you in the form of a 5 gallon bucket full of biscuits and gravy that you grab handfuls of throughout the week
You’ve ever had your life changed by a Glade Plug-In
You’ve ever given your Secret Santa recipient a litter of kittens
You’ve ever re-gifted a cougar
You’ve ever been called hardcore backwoods
The only thing you get through your satellite dish is porno and moonlight
You have calluses on your knees from changing flat tires
You think a vagina is a tropical fish
You’ve ever stuffed a pillow with belly button lint
You can lie in bed at night and actually hear the sound of rat heartbeats
You’ve ever given a horse the look
You’ve ever gotten so drunk that you rolled an infant halfway down a bowling alley lane
You had to look “tax refund” up in the dictionary when your accountant told you that you were getting one
You’ve ever tried to pick up a grand piano without bending your knees
You’ve ever talked a pizza delivery guy into joining your game of Russian roulette
You wasted your entire January figuring out that pistol whipping does not work in deer hunting
You’ve ever roadkilled an animal and treated it as the family pet until you were put on lithium tablets
You’ve ever used a piece of gum from under a theater seat as a tooth filling
You’ve ever started a lynch mob because you were lonely
You’ve ever frozen a condom instead of taking Viagra
Your legal name is Amoth Williamth because of your father’s lisp and a smart ass Clerk of Courts
You’ve ever defeated Super Mario Bros. on an original NES with a kool aid ring around your mouth
You’ve ever thrown a pet through a coffee table because you couldn’t get the email
You’ve ever been asked to say the alphabet backwards and you said “the alphabet backwards” and the officer shot your beagle to death
You’ve ever laughed so hard that you saw a guy in a light blue robe standing over you holding a couple of air hockey mallets
You were responsible for 75 posthumous purple hearts being awarded when you failed your basic training firearms exam
You wrote your phone number on the folded flag that you gave to a fallen soldier’s wife at a funeral
You’ve ever crushed the family parakeet by slamming your bible shut when it shat upon a particularly meaningful verse
You ruined the ‘78 freshman mixer when you tapped a keg with C4 and killed Susie Baker
You’ve ever been throwing logs in a wood chipper and suddenly saw your child burst into tears as a cloud of blood and fur exited the other end
You’ve ever cut down a 200 year old oak tree with a pocket knife out of principle
You once froze your entire freezer and dropped the resulting cube off an overpass, ruining a family’s trip to Disney World and everything thereafter
Sparks fly out of the back of your computer when a webpage is loading
Your cursing jar has enough in it to buy a small personal aircraft
You once thought you saw a baby seal experiencing stigmata, but then realized it was just being shot by some poachers in a passing motorboat
You’ve ever invested your life savings in a guy who invented a wrist hourglass
Your family stabs each other in the hand when you land on the other person’s property in Monopoly
You once tried to pay a mechanic with Jaru play money and almost instantly found yourself bargaining for your life between a garage ceiling and 10 ton hydraulic jack
You’ve ever sent Toby Keith lyrics to a song about your hound dog’s sexual exploits and he recorded it on his next album
You have more pictures of your prize corn husk dolls in your wallet than you do of your kids
You’ve ever adopted a child for the sole purpose of plowing your soy bean farm for a few months
You’ve ever bullwhipped a kitten into oblivion when it only managed to move you and your plow 7 feet
You’ve ever snored loud enough to break a marine’s will
You were in a coma for 3 years until someone in the hallway used the words Dallas Cowboys, titties, and Andy Griffith all in the same sentence
You’ve ever lost the use of an eye to a falling leaf
You insist on continuing to use the toaster that was scientifically proven to have given your parents and grandparents terminal cancer just because it’s a family heirloom

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