Redneck Jokes

You’ve ever named one of your kids Junior Jr.
You’ve ever masturbated while watching pitbulls fights
You’ve ever burned your great-great-great grandfather’s civil war musket just to keep warm
Your wife can sit down on a road cone without cracking a smile
You’ve ever pulled a tooth because it was too white
Your doctor asked you how your libido is and you told him you can’t get satellite TV
Your gun rack in your pickup truck doesn’t meet the clearance requirements of an interstate overpass
You’ve ever awoken to your wife playing with matchbox cars on her beer belly
One of your after church activities is going to WalMart and seeing who can get the highest score on the blood pressure machine
You have a DVD in your collection entitled Hunting Dog Orgies
You’ve ever walked in on your wife using a Dale Earnhardt Jr. action figure as a dildo
The sound of a coon dog baying makes your balls tingle
You’ve ever tried to cross the Atlantic in a 25 horsepower bass boat
You once put a soap dispenser label over a bottle of hydrocholoric acid, set it next to the sink, set up a hidden camera, and won 10,000 dollars
You wear a bracelet that says WWARRD: What Would A Rabid Raccoon Do?
You get all of your holiday decorations from the cemetery
You’ve ever had to explain to your kid why his stocking had a different name as police cars could be heard pulling up next door
You’ve ever looked up from a busted aquarium to see a news report showing a lumpy python under a day care jungle gym
You’ve ever dumped a bucket full of baby mice into a wood chipper just to see what would happen
You’ve ever given your kid a Tylenol for tuberculosis
You’ve ever made a first impression on someone that resulted in them questioning the existence of God
Your trailer park looks like a huge red dot on the child molester mapping website
Your computer has 64 megabytes of RAM, Windows 95, and a desktop completely covered by animated GIF’s of midgets having sex
You’ve ever turned the overhead light off, put a black light under your computer desk, flipped the switch, and had to visit an optometrist bi-weekly for the rest of your life
You’ve ever covered a hand grenade pin in seeds, set it next to the bird feeder, and watched with childlike wonder from 100 yards away
You took your baby girl deer hunting with you the day after she first watched Bambi
You ruined your daughter’s childhood by disproving the movie Dumbo via kidnapping and throwing an elephant off the side of the George Washington Bridge
You’ve ever hidden a hand gun in the spinning mobile above your baby’s crib
You’ve ever put a habanero pepper in your infant’s mashed peas and carrots purely out of curiosity
You once bought 32 goldfish from Wal Mart on a whim, but never even took them out of your back floorboard
You’ve ever literally mashed your child’s mouth with a potato masher after sassback
You’ve ever been raped by a gorilla, but later had no regrets
You’ve ever knocked on a hotel wall to tell your neighbors to keep going because you weren’t finished yet
You’ve ever played a simple prank on your mailman that resulted in him being trapped in a hole in your yard for a half a month
You put off digging a root cellar until the scanner said a tornado had just touched down a mile from you house
You’ve ever shot at Christmas lights in the shape of a deer
You ever smashed a dobrow over the pulpit after your southern Christian rock band brought down the house
You’ve ever donated the money for a new stain glass window for the church, with the stipulation that it must depict Willie Nelson stabbing Satan to death with a guitar-sword weapon thing
You’ve ever tried to help pay for your uncle’s lung cancer chemo by having him cough on a canvas and selling the resulting artwork
You’re the guy who makes all the other dots on the child molester map not even matter
You won the “Most Unique” award in your AA class because you were the only one there solely because of Mint Julips
The yearbook team created a humiliating superlative just for you: Most Likely To Die From Accidentally Consuming The Spoon From A Buffet Tray
You once threw the Guitar Hero demo guitar over 150 yards across a Best Buy
You’ve ever played the Christmas Shoes song in an abortion clinic waiting room
You’ve ever bet the right to bust your teeth out with a sledgehammer in a small poker game with friends
You’ve ever sung so hard at karaoke that you dislocated your collar bone
You’ve ever snuck into a plane, switched a parachute for a backpack full of silverware, and never once second guessed yourself until the sentencing
You think Bluetooth is a disease that hound dogs get
Your dog’s gums are cut all to hell because you’re too lazy to buy a can opener and too dumb to buy dog food in a bag
You can pop a blackhead and shoot the pus through a piece of saran wrap 5 feet away
You’ve ever dropped a cigarette butt in a homeless man’s stoma because you thought he was just an artistic ash tray someone had sculpted
You’re only one stamp away from filling up your frequent bail bondsman card
Your dissatisfaction with the state’s auto emission control program caused you to make it your lifetime goal to create a trampoline sized hole in the ozone layer
You’ve ever spent an entire afternoon laying in a hammock emptying 18 cans of hairspray off into the atmosphere
You found yourself taking a Braille class soon after someone gave you a book of Magic Eye puzzles for your birthday
You’ve ever skipped work to run through a sprinkler all day
You’ve ever gone full speed down a slip and slide, over the edge of the roof, and landed on the staircase leading down to the basement
You’ve ever lost a genital while going down a slide at the water park
You’ve ever started a campfire by throwing a stick of dynamite into a wheatfield
Your Christmas card photo showed you punching an Indian in the mouth with a talking balloon that said “Git R Done”
You’ve ever had to explain to your wife on your wedding night why you didn’t have one due to a goat bite when you were seven
Your childhood game of hiding a pitchfork in a pile of hay and jumping on it ended quickly because you played Russian Roulette to see who would go first
You bought a 120 GB video ipod for the sole purpose of being able to listen to Hank William’s “There’s A Tear In My Beer” on it
You burned every science book you owned after you threw a crystal vase into the wall and it didn’t break
Your kindergarten teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up and you were expelled for your answer and, as a result, achieved your answer
You did PCP in preschool
You bought an Easy Button, hit it, waited three minutes in silence, and then threw your golden lab through the patio door
You bought a BluRay player just to silence all those people over the years that told you that “blue” was spelled with an E
You’ve ever cut a line of cocaine with your toenail
You’ve ever held a cocked gun in your mouth to get your kid to go clean his room
You’ve ever taken a flight to Hawaii in order to win a game of license plate bingo
You’ve ever whomped your dog with a rolled up newspaper and sent him on home
You’ve ever tried your heart out and still lost a game of Twister to three paraplegics
You’ve ever scraped enough plaque off your teeth to fabricate a 1:24 scale model of the Washington monument
You’ve ever used sea foam as shaving cream
You’ve ever poked a hole through your cheek with a Hershey’s Kiss
You’ve ever stopped your child’s breathing with insulation foam and saved him with firecrackers
You’ve ever tossed a hamster onto a steamboat wheel and said “Welcome to the big time”
Your parents couldn’t bear to tell you the truth about Santa Claus, so they threw a red coated mannequin down the chimney as you were reading a storybook beside the fire
You’ve ever bought a
30,000 snowmobile based off of a prediction in the Farmer’s Almanac
You spent more money in 2007 on unnecessary doghouse improvements than on groceries
Your audit created jobs at the IRS
You’ve ever thrown discarded biohazard needles at a world map while waiting for the doctor an examination room
You’ve ever swallowed a box of nails right before an MRI just to see what would happen
You’ve ever had a doctor forget you were being X-Rayed and they found you lying on the table the next morning singing Three Blind Mice, with a beach ball sized tumor on your forehead
You once made it on American Gladiators but they never aired that episode because you beat Laser to death with brass knuckles during a pregame handshake
Your golf swing has ever been described as an antelope giving birth during an earthquake
Your momma fell down in the bathtub and broke the seismograph at the state university
Your appearance on Jeopardy caused the producers to install trapdoors leading to snake pits under each podium
You’ve ever gotten wasted with your anesthesiologist the night before your surgery
You’ve ever sold Percocet to kindergartners at recess
You used up your all of your paid vacation days for an Andy Griffith marathon
You’ve ever played Shuffleboard with a stillborn puppy
Your friends have to hold you to the ground and give you Ritalin every time you make visual contact with a fire alarm
You’ve ever bought a Moon Pie on Ebay
You’ve ever strained so hard while taking a dump that you thought you were driving a Dunebuggy by the time you finished
You’ve ever smoked a pack of cigarettes while treading water
You’ve ever been forced to be creative during a blackout and made a candle out of earwax and a tampon string
You’ve ever sledded down a steep hill in a casket along with the person who would momentarily spend eternity in it
Your church has a metal detector after you tried to stab the choir director over an argument regarding an F sharp
You’ve ever gotten blue balls while reading Field & Stream
You’ve ever broken out into uncontrollable laughter during a tour of a slaughterhouse
You were once beaten unconscious by your father after you tried to make a unicorn out of a railroad spike, a hammer, and his plowing mule
You’ve ever invented a spring loaded wheelchair ramp, with hilarious results
You’ve ever dropped a cat off a building so high that, quite frankly, you couldn’t find enough pieces of it to prove to your friend that it landed on its feet
The first time you ever encountered a revolving door, you did not stop playing in it until you were picking rock salt out of your chest
You were arrested for making a foolproof whitening toothpaste that contained Kerosene, Jack Daniels, and cocaine
You’ve ever gone out into your backyard and knocked a bunch of mushrooms off of a dead stump into your Cobb Salad
You lost your virginity before you stopped believing in Santa Claus
You beat up other kids in preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school, and college all after the age of thirty
You’ve ever been “all jacked up on Mountain Dew”, but then realized you preferred a mixture of speed and urine instead
The IRS tried to pull up your file and it crashed their server backbone
You were mad when you bought tickets for a Greyhound Bus and there were people on it
You’ve ever superglued yourself to a bull riding simulator in hopes of picking up women
You missed your child’s birth because you were standing out in your yard hitting june bugs with a ball bat all day
You’ve ever felt that your worries were over based off of an answer that a magic eight ball gave you
You once ate enough cotton candy and caramel apples in one night at the county fair to put yourself in a 17 year diabetic coma
You’ve ever run for county commissioner and cited your massive dick as one of your qualifications
You’ve ever stopped someone’s hiccups with a 2×4
You’ve ever needed some coal for your grill, so you went down to the train tracks and set a couple of old car hoods on top of the rails
You’ve ever lost a spelling bee to an illegal immigrant
You’ve ever been awarded the key to the city for clearing out the claw machine at the bowling alley
You still have a W04 sticker on your pickup after all this
You’ve ever tried to jump your car off a dock onto a ferry when it was already a dot on the horizon
You think deep sea fishing is when you tried to get your wristwatch out of your grandma
You’ve ever gone to a timeshare meeting to get a free toaster and ended up with 17 condos in the Caymans
You’ve ever thrown your child through a Victorian wardrobe over an argument regarding a triple word score in Scrabble
You’ve ever bought a 3000 piece puzzle of a cloudless sky and had to have a lobotomy 2 weeks later
You knew your daddy’s cataract removal went badly when the doctor walked out with a severed arm
You’ve ever invested in braces for your coondog
You’ve ever been sent to sit in the corner by a marriage counselor
You wrote in your sister’s yearbook “To my best piece of ass ever”
Your prom date had hooves
You’ve ever rented a porno called “Chew Your Cud”
You lost your job as a driving instructor when you had a student hit a 6 inch speed bump at 150 mph
You’ve ever asked for the cow and a machete when asked how you wanted your steak cooked
You’ve ever tried to catch a rabbit with a carrot cake, but just ended up giving all your songbirds diabetes
You were held in contempt of court after one of your bottle rockets scorched the bailiff’s scalp
You’ve ever strangled a puppy while staring into its eyes for a Klondike Bar
You’ve ever text messaged someone while hugging a family member at a receiving
You’ve ever played poker on your cell phone with the sound on during a eulogy
Your grandpa’s cataracts are so bad you can look into his eyes and see lightning
You can play the solo from Stairway To Heaven faster than the original on a brown jug
You went to Google Image search, typed in “downtrodden”, hit enter, and went 7 pages before you found a picture of anything besides a member of your immediate family
Every Thanksgiving, you impress your visiting relatives with your word processing skills on your green screen
Your severe astigmatism led you to trade your pickup for a Mickey Mantle rookie card that was actually a four of spades with a smiley face drawn on it
You’ve ever started a business selling pickled kitten hearts, but it took two years of constant psychiatric treatment to fill a single jar
You’ve ever pleasured a cow with a bowling pin
You clear your throat loudly every time the preacher asks for objections at a wedding
You’ve ever set a Guinness world record that involved horses, fire, and trampolines, but no one was around to see it
You’ve ever done a standing backflip over a 6 foot brick wall to avoid a tax auditor
Your hip has numerous horrific scars because you didn’t know for twenty years that pocket knives could be closed
You’ve ever emailed your bank account info to an estranged Nigerian president
You threw a 90 mph fastball the first time you and your 5 year old ever played catch and had a
75000 plastic surgery bill 3 weeks later
You’ve ever tried to impress bystanders at a fast pitch baseball game, but ended up tearing your rotator cuff clean out of your body
You’ve ever roundhouse kicked your kid in the back of the head while he was reading a book in the floor because it would be more interesting than another night sitting around watching TV
McCain endorsed genocide and you still voted for him
Your
5000 subwoofer rattled the rotten teeth out of your kids’ heads
You saw that painting of melting clocks and it gave you an idea that resulted in the destruction of both your microwave and your capability to keep mechanical time
You’ve ever bought a 300 yard long mini USB cable so that you could charge your cellphone while plowing your field
You’ve ever sucked your stomach in so hard to impress a girl that you broke 7 vertebrae
You’ve ever unintentionally lost a game of Tetris in 5 moves
You’ve ever had stabbing chest pains, but you just kept right on nibbling your stick of butter and playing your handheld poker machine
You’ve ever opted for liposuction over chemo
You’ve ever broken the preacher’s collarbone with a potato gun during Sunday morning services
You’ve ever circumcised a horse during a game of truth or dare
You’ve ever awoken on the shoulders of a screaming mob after winning a dirtbike race while sleepwalking
Your welcome mats at your house are stolen mudflaps
You’ve ever performed anesthesia on yourself, but fell asleep before you could unhook the hose and woke up 28 weeks later
You grabbed a ball bat and ran outside when the weatherman said there was baseball sized hail in your area
The flower girl slipped and broke her neck at your wedding due to your chronic diarrhea
You lent your fiancé your klan robes to save on costs for a dress for your wedding
You’ve never made it to the alter at one of your weddings before it broke out into a full blown orgy
You’ve ever successfully fathered a living, breathing kitten
You’ve ever rode a rocking chair sitting in a red wagon off the roof of your barn for a Youtube video that only got 3 views in 7 years
You’ve never opened a fortune cookie that had a fortune in it
The doctor told you that you had cholera and you destroyed an entire wardrobe of shirts trying to get rid of it
You dropped a propane canister down your neighbor’s chimney after his dog took a dump in your yard
You and your wife had to take off from work to take care of each other for alcohol poisoning within the same week
You’ve ever pushed a buddy off an oil rig so you could steal his peanut butter and jelly sandwich
You were convicted of the murder of the guy who invented Mapquest after one of his maps took you off the end of an abandoned bridge in Missouri
You once threw such an extravagant Thanksgiving party for your family that you’re still eating leftover turkey they went bad during the Carter administration
You’ve ever eaten a decade old jar of mayonnaise to get out of doing the dishes
You’ve ever had a casual phone conversation with your wife during a high speed chase
You and your brother once played tennis at the park with shorts cut off so high it looked like a couple of corn dogs bouncing against PVC pipes the whole time
Your farmer’s tan turned out to be farmer’s skin cancer
Your top three vertebrae are made of steel because of that time you tried to hang clean a half ton
The steel plate in your head was less of a medical decision and more of a bullet proofing measure
You’ve ever punched a frustration hole through a Pac Man arcade screen and burned your knuckles off in the liquid crystal display
You’ve ever been involved in a trick or treat that resulted in the incineration of a 70 year old widow
Your horse’s water broke and you made lemonade out of it and sold it to the neighborhood kids
You’ve ever gotten blue balls listening to the female voice of your car’s GPS unit
You’ve ever kicked your family puppy through the patio door when your son brought home an F on his report card
The sheriff came to tell you that your wife had been killed and the first thing you asked was if the corpse was still warm
You’ve ever accidentally quit your job because you set your watch to run on military time
You’ve ever called 911 to phone in a pizza order
You’ve ever housebroken a puppy with one swing of a baseball bat
You ever hidden a corpse on a elementary school bus
It gives you a hard on to see your wife put out cigarettes on her areolas
You’ve ever seen someone choking in a restaurant and later realized you did not know the Heimlich maneuver as you held their severed head in your hands
You had your hound dog’s nipples pierced and all its puppies starved to death
You sold your liver on ebay because you thought you had two of them
You’ve ever caused an 8 hour backup on I-95 while watching two horses fornicate
You’ve ever turned an innocent kiss under the mistletoe into a violent rape
You are the editor in chief of a cockfighting newsletter
You’ve ever cut off all of your toes with a skill saw for Super Bowl tickets
You drank yourself into a coma after you lost a drinking contest
You can see a landfill, a strip club, and a deer stand while standing on your front porch
You never turn down jury duty because you know, chances are, it will be a family reunion
You’ve ever milked a cow while watching Silence of The Lambs
You’ve ever gutted someone with a rusty machete after the air quoted you
Your cheese greater really helped you get through your child’s terrible twos
You’ve ever hunted squirrels in a national forest with Molotov cocktails
You ate Rocky Mountain oysters while talking to your grandmother on her death bed
You’ve ever slept with your sister to make your grandma jealous
You have ever asked a perfect stranger if they could see the semen stain on your shirt
Your life long ambition has been to write and compose porno music
You had the word “finally” added to your stepmother’s funeral pamphlet
You lost your camera lens during your colonoscopy
You’ve ever spun out of your driveway and watched with wonder as your hubcap came off and sliced your neighbor’s wiener dog in clean halves
You’ve ever smoked a cigar in a single drag
You became hostile during a game of skeeball at your 45th birthday party
You’ve ever gone mud slinging through a soil and water conservation complex
You’ve ever snuck a recurve bow into a ballet recital
Your idea of a good time is a balcony seat at the opera and a box of snap pops
You’ve ever stuffed so many pop rocks in your mouth at one time that the church choir lost its pitch
You’ve ever tried to reverse the effect of 7 childbirths on your wife with a tablespoon of alum
You’ve ever delivered a nephew while your sister laid back in a recliner trying to beat Mario Bros. on a black and white TV
You replaced your little girl’s bed with a foosball table, resulting in scoliosis within a week
You’ve ever worn a black Bobby Labonte t-shirt to a family reunion, had some BBQ, and then put the moves on Donna Jo
You’ve ever filled every cupholder in your pickup to the brim with mucous
You can open your refrigerator door, tilt it forward, and fill a 5 gallon bucket with mice corpses
You’ve ever won 100,000 dollars on a scratch off, accidentally dropped it in a stormwater drain, and were too lazy to retrieve it
Your mixed drink of choice is called Hog Urine: A Miller Lite with a pickled pigs foot and 4 slices of raw bacon floating in it
Your wife said she had a yeast infection and you tried to cure it by making extremely loud noises around her
You’ve ever traded an ancestor’s revolutionary war musket for a 5 gallon bucket full of Red Man
You replaced your shower with 3 arcade machines after you found 75 bottles of discarded cologne in a dumpster
You’ve ever dumped a 50 pound bag of dry cocoa powder into a random family’s dog lot just to see if the rumors were true, but forgot all about it
You’ve ever posted a Youtube video, someone commented “get a life”, and you tracked them down and beat them near to death with a 2 foot long bundle of optical cable
You’ve ever fallen asleep on the job and were awakened by “Breaker, breaker one nine, we got a rig flipped over the median here on eastbound 40”
You’ve ever slept through a head on collision in your transfer truck and never fell out of your sleeper
You’ve ever neutered a dog with a cigar
You’ve ever castrated a calf with a weedeater
Court went into recess after you threw a snap pop in the judge’s eye
You’ve ever branded a parakeet in half
You’ve ever shot a lifelong friend in the chest for cheating at thumb wrestling
You’ve ever crashed an online carbon footprint calculator
You use 😕 As the emoticon for having a chew
You shot paintballs at the Lincoln Memorial for your Senior project
Your hobby is buying songbirds, plucking all their feathers off with tweezers, and then scrapbooking pictures of them naked
You’ve ever thrust so hard during sex that you fractured your wife’s skull on the headboard
You’ve ever adopted a rabid dog from the pound and named it Foamy
You’ve ever sighted in a rifle at an interstate rest area
You’ve ever kicked the window out of a 747 to try and catch a piece of cloud in a mason jar
You removed the door and safety on your microwave because you wanted to see if Rogaine for men actually worked
You once knocked every tooth out of a toddler’s head when he walked up beside of the machine while you were playing whack-a-mole
You’ve ever accidentally stapled a teacup chihuahua to the ground while installing carpet
Your girlfriend is so ugly she legally has to trick or treat over the phone
You cut the skull out of a stillborn puppy and made a gear shifter ornament out of it
You lost your virginity to some crazy woman that walked up to your car and offered to wash your window for a nickel
You’ve ever hired a sniper to help out your son’s team during a peewee football playoff game
You’ve ever jumped the counter and raped a bartender at 11:59 pm on Valentine’s Day
You’ve ever gotten so drunk at someone’s housewarming party that you stole their gerbil and put it in your wallet
You’ve ever held a contest with your friends to see who could flick your pet cockatiel in the beak the hardest for no reason or prizes
You start thinking about a marriage proposal when a woman acknowledges your presence
You’ve ever used the term “Yeeee Boys!” while slapping your knee at any time in your life for any reason
You’ve ever set off firecrackers during a job interview
You put out the doctor’s eye with a roman candle while he was delivering your child
You’ve ever knocked a convenience store clerk out while throwing random fist pumps after a
1 lottery ticket win
You’ve ever been the cause of an outbreak of herpes in a cattle herd
Your Ouija board is racist
Your daughter asked you to tell her about the birds and the bees, resulting in a 250% increase in teen pregnancy in your hometown
You’ve ever snapped a mascot’s neck because no one ever told you there was a person inside
You’ve ever snuck a magic marker into the national archives and wrote “We The Honkies” on the Declaration of Independence
You heat your trailer with an air conditioner
You’ve ever shot a cat 8 times to prove a point at an elementary school
You’ve ever eaten a bird nest full of baby robins during a game of truth or dare
You’ve ever farted so bad that you made a group of pall bearers drop the casket
You’ve ever taken a dump that made the front page of the local paper
You heard a gunshot from the other booth ten minutes after you started your first confessional
You’ve ever gone through a case of hot pockets without eating any of them
You’ve ever taken your two week old out jet skiing with you
You’ve ever let your German shepherd babysit your kids
You’ve ever put out a cigarette on a baby’s soft spot
You’ve ever rocked your ski lift chair so hard that 38 other people fell out of theirs
You had the Johnson County dog show wrapped up until you pulled a string of anal beads out of your golden retriever
You slept through your mother’s funeral
You had a beer with your surgeon after your liver transplant
You’ve ever played Russian Roulette at a bachelor party until it didn’t make sense to have the party anymore
You’ve ever vacuumed your house and retrieved 28 pounds of gummy bears and graham crackers from the bag
You stomped an entire litter of newborn puppies into oblivion when two of your final four picks lost in the sweet sixteen
You had your neighbor’s doublewide moved while they were at work so you could see the sunset
You’ve ever bought your hound dog a fleshlight
Your home closing was delayed due to the discovery of a newly cut glory hole
You have to mow your floor
You started a Youtube channel called RollDaddy82 where you film yourself rolling El Caminos in very sharp curves
You burned an apple orchard to the ground after you had to have a root canal
You’ve ever stuck your dick into a hornet’s nest for natural male enhancement
You’ve ever gotten into a staring contest with your passenger until the guard rail won
You’ve ever lost two gold wristwatches inside a horse in the same week
You’ve ever rolled your truck 13 times pulling into a church car wash
You caused 80% hearing loss while blowing in a blind date’s ear
You’ve ever found a bug fossilized in your ear wax
You had your hound dog’s butthole bleached
You ran over a pedestrian while having sexting a distant relative
You couldn’t bear to tell your kids that their puppy got roadkilled so you told them you cemented its paws and threw it in the lake
Your attempt to use dynamite to win a local fishing tournament failed when you blew all of the water out of a half acre carp pond
You made an exception and allowed your 9 year old to drink himself to sleep when his first coonhound died
You gave a 7 year old on a field trip permanent brain damage while disposing of your beer bottle off a rollercoaster
You’ve ever had full blown sex with multiple partners while in line for a rollercoaster
You’ve ever tapped your ashes into the offertory plate as it passed by
You’ve ever had an orgasm interrupted by a bank teller asking for the next person in line
Your baby’s first word was Klux
Your child got sent home for hate crimes on his first day of school and you gave him candy
Your pocket pussy is a family heirloom
You witnessed a skydiver ripped to shreds by a biplane propeller and your only response was to laugh until you passed out
You asked for a happy ending when your mom gave you a back massage for your birthday
Your resume contains the words NRA, moonshine, and sharting
You’ve ever told a dying relative, “keep it down, the ballgame’s on”
You’ve ever set a bear trap in the mailbox to avoid junk mail
You’ve ever cured your 4-year-old’s hiccups with a tazer
You think the Kitten Cannon game requires talent
You have Jerry Springer on speed dial
You buried a stillborn puppy in a geocache
You ended your stray cat infestation with a skeet thrower
You snapped your mother’s wrist in order to win a Jenga tournament
You’ve ever seen a senior citizen break their hip while crossing the street and you asked them to do it again so you could film it
You and your 1st grade teacher know everything about each other since you’ve spent 33 years together
You sat in the adjoining room and chanted loudly, “That’s my boy” as your 15-year-old lost his virginity
You’ve ever accidentally melted a pocket pussy in a convenience store microwave
You founded an online store named Digital PCP
You’ve ever cleared the moths off your porch with a flamethrower
You’ve ever pleasured yourself while watching a women’s tennis match
You had a top five ever climax in a Jack In The Box drive thru
You’ve ever had a one night stand that involved motor oil
Your bumper states your opinion about abortion, alien abductions, and Dale Earnhardt
You had monster truck tires installed on your F150 so big that you got a nosebleed the first time you drove it
Your fireworks under the pew prank series at church began with firecrackers and ended with dynamite
You drop kicked your fourth grade teacher in the mouth when she put you in time out
The only time you enjoy opera music is while watching dogs fight
Your pastor said “F–k Satan” to increase attendance to record numbers the following week
You’ve ever popped a dime sized pimple on a blind date’s butt cheek during a slow dance
You’ve ever used pine sap to increase resistance during sex
You’ve ever belched while looking in a nest of baby robins and they all died instantly
You’ve gone undefeated for 18 years in local carp tournaments by baiting with your wife’s used tampons
You’ve ever had to use a spatula to dislodge a patch of dingleberries
A girl scout came to your house selling cookies and you wiped her face with a raw steak and set loose your Rottweiler
You’ve ever hocked a loogie so hard you collapsed a lung
Your coasters are bologna
Your infant’s playpen has a copperhead infestation that you repeatedly forget about until the crying starts
You’ve ever flossed your teeth and found half of a Whopper wrapper
You bought your daughter a hamster at Wal Mart and on the way home you realized it was a gerbil and threw it out the window into an interstate exit sign
You’ve ever accidentally photocopied your own diarrhea at a FedEx Kinkos
Your toddler’s first steps occurred on the roof of your F150
You once got so addicted to Pac Man that you punched your wife when she tried to hug you with a blue dress on
You’ve ever lit a fart to place a bid at an auction
You have a desk calendar from 1988 keeping your refrigerator from tipping over on your baby’s crib
You took the crap of your life in the last vacant stall of the women’s changing room at JCPenney’s
You’ve ever accidentally entangled your child in a venetian blind so badly that you gave up and went to watch the race
You’ve ever eaten shrooms while working in a haunted maze and woke up on a pile of kindergartner corpses
You won the state championship in high school football by eating the opposing quarterback’s pet kitten prior to the last snap
You lost your internship at a nursing home for riding the oldest patients down the stairwell
You tried out for track in high school, but ended up making sandcastles in the long jump pit until the night watchman kicked you out
You licked your front porch fly strip clean the moment you gave up on the Atkins diet
You stuffed your pillow with two beagle puppies when you discovered how soft and cuddly they were, but couldn’t fall asleep until they stopped breathing
You’ve ever snuck a Gameboy into chemotherapy
Your pastor is so hairlipped the only reason you go to church is to make fun of him
You’ve ever changed your baby’s diaper while handing a customer their Whopper Jr.
Your peripheral vision revealed your toddler drinking ammonia, but you refused to get up until halftime
Your golden lab died of diabetes after you fed it only Oreos for a year
You’ve ever seen a pair of legs sticking out of the rear end of an animal at the zoo and didn’t say anything
You’ve ever handed out peanut brittle with ninja stars baked into it for Halloween treats
You’ve ever passed a kidney stone during a sworn testimony and tried to act like it wasn’t happening
You accidentally fired your civil war cannon while rolling it into your living room during your housewarming party, ruining both a good time and most of your neighbors’ lives
You tried to run and jump through the middle of two passing train cars to get to the annual grit breakfast a few seconds faster
You put three of your kids through college by recycling beer cans
You got arrested for DUI on the way home from your cirrhosis surgery
You’ve ever performed an at home angioplasty with a party balloon and a garden hose
You’ve ever tried to rob a bank from the drive thru with a paintball gun
You spent more on your coonhound’s pedicure than you did on your wife’s 25th anniversary present
You’ve ever woke up in the middle of the night and saw several thousand horseflies lifting your infant out of his crib
Your wife cashed in her 401k to get the hole in your bedroom wall fixed after you named one of the cougars passing through
Your baby has numerous bee stings from the dandelions growing in its crib
You have several dozen pet possums in your crawlspace
You’ve ever been caught in full penetration by a roller coaster snapshot cam
You needled your disabled relative’s oxygen line when they forgot your birthday
You’ve ever rode a mechanical bull while carrying your baby in a papoose
You pleasure yourself to your grandmother’s old drivers license photos
You’ve ever sedated a wild cat with one your wife’s farts
Your answering machine message includes the phrase “too drunk to move”
You were hospitalized with dysentery when you tried to siphon out your septic tank
You’ve ever gotten out of jury duty by admitting to the crime
You’ve ever passed your infant to your wife because it was getting colicky on the rollercoaster
The horseflies in your outhouse can bite through bone
You’ve ever peeled all of your fingernails off with a butter knife to intimidate a loan officer
You’ve ever mowed over a row of baby chicks following their mother to teach them independence
Your teacher once asked you what the capital of the US was and you spit a toothpick through her forearm
You’ve ever ordered a 3 topping medium pizza while waiting on the EMS to arrive with the Jaws of Life to get you out of your totaled pickup
You’ve ever tried to repair a point blank shotgun wound to the chest with band aids and Neosporin
The first time you ever tried to beatbox, you blew 90% of your teeth out on the first kick drum
Your competitive nature led to two counts of involuntary manslaughter at a father-son sack race
You took a Cadillac Seville on a one mile test drive and returned only about 1/8th of the steering wheel
You let your baby tooth on a loosely tied sack of marbles
Your dog ate your kitten in the waiting room at the vet and you just calmly left
You looked out your peephole to see the SWAT team unloading and you just sat back down to finish jackin’ off to women’s bowling
You’ve ever defecated all over yourself to emphasize a point at Sunday School
You’ve ever tried to use a fish finder to find the G spot
You’ve ever cried while putting together a 25 piece puzzle
You modified your car alarm so that you can hear it from as much as 17 miles away
You flipped your car end over end into a McDonald’s Playplace while trying to figure out where a spotlight in the sky was coming from
You’ve ever cocked a gun behind your back as your wife was about to get the results of an at-home pregnancy test
You lost your license when you parallel parked your RV on top of a Toyota Corolla and a punch bug full of sixth graders
You’ve ever let a fart that resulted in all of your immediate family members never speaking to you again
You ruined thanksgiving dinner when you spontaneously fired off the entire clip out of your Desert Eagle at a blue jay sitting outside the kitchen window
You’ve ever barbequed a hamster alive despite your children screaming until they went hoarse
You’ve ever inserted and lit a bottle rocket in a bear’s rectum during a game of truth or dare at a Boy Scout retreat
You’ve ever knifed another parent at a peewee football game for no other reason than cheering for the opposing team
You’ve ever throat punched a concession stand worker when he told you they were out of Miller Lite
You grabbed a pitbull by the testes and threw it into a woodchipper to show how bad ass you were at your child’s “Bring Your Parent” to school day
You once took a dump in a punch bowl at wedding because you were too lazy to go get the Snickers bar out of your truck
You lost your job as a wrecking ball operator when you took a dare to try and knock the ball cap off of a school boy walking by
You’ve ever tried to fix your child’s lisp with a welding torch
You dumped all of the water out of your kiddy pool into a cement mixer and let it mix while filing a missing child report
You’ve ever opened up your kitchen cabinet and saw a piece of tumbleweed roll by
You lost your license as a forklift operator when you shattered a coworker’s pelvis giving him a wedgie
You’ve ever beaten a beagle to within an inch of its life over a missing gingerbread cookie that you’d forgotten eating only 15 minutes earlier
You’ve ever been so hungry that you ate every fish out of a corporate office koi pond while the employees stood around crying out of pity
You backhanded your kitten end over end into a bookcase when you were told that Farmville wasn’t real
Most of the pictures on your Facebook page are of you and your friends doing unspeakable things to donkeys
You’ve ever walked in one two people cheating on you with each other
You are famous for your magic trick where you ask someone to pick a card and when they do you snip off their ear lobe with a pair of scissors
You’ve ever spiked eggnog with Bud Light
You tripped shrooms with your wife on the same night you proposed to her
You lost your hand in an industrial fan because someone put a picture of Marilyn Monroe in the back of it
You’ve ever spent five hundred dollars on costumes for the purpose of tricking people passing out free samples in order to feed your starving family
You’ve ever found yourself in an uncontrollable sob during an episode of The Flintstones
You got a
3000 tax refund and bought a hundred inch flatscreen whilst your kids continued to crap in coffee cans
You’ve ever skinned the interviewer’s noggin at a job interview
The episode of Family Feud your family was in never aired because of the scenes of your sister getting doubled up
You’ve ever used a world globe to try to find your way through a local town and ended up
You drilled a sheet metal screw into your forearm after you broke it at a party
You recognized a distant relative once she took her shirt off
Your kid yelled at you when you got him the wrong color toy fire truck for Christmas and you threw him through the manger scene in your front yard
You’ve ever fallen in legitimate love with a sheep
There were news helicopters circling your house after your family’s first attempt at playing Dirty Santa
You’ve ever asked for a happy ending at a Sonic drive thru
You played peep-eye with the DMV examiner on your driver’s license road test
The steel rods in your spine are a stern reminder that your son sucks at building Lego deer stands
You’ve ever devoured the Odor Eaters right out of your shoes when a job interviewer complained about your bad breath
You’ve ever had to wring feces out of your socks before putting your boots on
You’ve ever dislodged a gnat from your child’s eye with canned air
You’ve ever thrown a newborn chick into a bug zapper because it broke the shell of an egg you wanted to hide for Easter
You were expelled from elementary school for drawing incredibly detailed dicks no matter which card you pulled during Pictionary
The three gifts you received at your seventh wedding were a bug zapper, a butter knife, and a bug zapper
You were disqualified from a thumb wrestling tournament for using performance enhancing thumb tacks
Your child bragged that he could beat you in an arm wrestling match and 5 minutes later you were scrambling to hide his arm in a coffee can before his mother got home
You spent 20 years in prison after your “Do You Want To Touch It?” stand ran all of the local kids’ lemonade stands out of business
The sky marshal threw you out of a passenger jet mid-flight with only an emergency chute due to a fart you let
Your wife’s stretch marks can be seen by the naked eye from 120 yards away
You got hooked on buttermilk ranch freeze pops as a child
You’ve ever pissed black membranes in horrific agony and didn’t think anything about it until you pissed again 9 months later
The first time you ever set foot on an ice skating rink you attempted a quintuple lutz, snapping you femur in 7 places and slicing your gall bladder out
You’ve ever killed another human being while Wii Boxing
The tooth fairy left a dead turtle under your pillow
You’ve ever gone to a job interview so drunk that you interviewed with your mailbox
You’ve ever played beer pong by yourself until you woke up with a breathing tube down your throat
Your welcome mat is obscured by a collapsed chimney
You can’t keep your footing in the shower due to all of the raccoon skeletons
You ordered HBO thinking it had something to do with hobo fights
You tried to place a glue trap in your kitchen, but couldn’t even put it on the ground before it had 30+ mice attached to it
You bought a radon detector for your 400 square foot singlewide and it exploded on contact with the wall outlet
You put a HEPA filter on your furnace vent and within 5 minutes it had corroded into oblivion
You were expelled from grade school when the principal did a random locker check and found 7 decomposing chickens on a pile of heroin
You won the local clam chowder cookoff and no ever guessed the clams were a horse’s ass cheeks
Your coffee table is a stillborn calf
You drank an entire display case of 5 Hour Energy right before a quadruple bypass so you could fight off the anesthesia and stay awake to watch the surgery
You built a catapult for your son’s third grade science fair that was capable of throwing an RV across the English Channel
You own a cock pump endorsed by Mark Martin
You’ve ever played Jenga using only your genitals
You’ve ever been struck by blinding chest pains, but kept on shoveling snow while funneling mayo out of your beer helmet
You’ve ever caught your wife cheating on you with the hood ornament of your Mustang
Your internet browsing history looks like a pornographic dictionary
You’ve ever given a deer mouth to mouth after you realized your hunting license was expired
You’ve ever made a chicken pot pie your bitch
You have the legal age of consent for every US state tattooed on your forearm
There’s a hobo living in your passenger floorboard trash pile
You cut the net down off of a neighborhood child’s basketball goal after you trampled him in a game of 21
You forgot you set your child on the roof of your car before a championship drag race
You tried to resuscitate your neighbor’s cat that you killed a week ago when you found mouse droppings in your closet
You invented the Cheddaclair: A regular éclair deep fried with cheddar cheese melted on top
You’ve ever balanced your infant on the top of your umbrella while searching frantically for your house keys
You’ve ever used an earthworm as an emergency replacement shoelace
You’ve had your way of thinking repeatedly changed by things that a Pull N’ Say has told you
You’ve ever gotten your genitals caught in the pneumatic tube at the bank drive thru
You’ve ever put a Q-Tip in your ear and rotated it once and the result looked like a licorice lollipop