Redneck Jokes

You have more flatscreen TV’s in your house than combined family teeth
Your wife had an ultrasound revealing both that your child was a boy and that your wife had multiple rat skeletons in her fallopian tubes
The first time you ever brushed your teeth was the night before your wedding
You sniff all of your underpants before putting them on to make sure it’s not THAT pair
You’ve ever threatened a plastic grocery bag
You gave up a testicle to avoid 8 hours of community service
Your wife’s measurements are 86-124-106-130 because she’s a Shetland Pony
You resorted to cannibalism when your local convenience store was sold out of Whatchamacallit candy bars
You’ve ever tried to circumcise a snapping turtle, but realized halfway through that it was his head
You smoked a celebratory umbilical cord when you couldn’t find the cigar you bought in the hospital gift shop
You shattered your hip trying to send your first text message
You have a gumball machine full of roofies sitting next to your front door
You’ve ever fallen asleep while using an exacto knife and woke up with no right ear lobe
You’ve ever made an emergency pinata for your child’s birthday party by stuffing a roadkilled possum’s lungs full of Milk Duds
Your child was sent home from school in tears when you packed a dead rabbit in her lunch with the hatchet still buried in its skull
You’ve ever done unspeakable things to a horse for a hit of chaw
There’s an 8 inch diameter hornets nest built under your right armpit
You’ve ever built a sandcastle with a hooker
You’ve ever told your girlfriend that you were breaking up with her because she was too high maintenance and she responded by neighing and taking a dump in her stall
You’ve ever replaced a missing button on your cellphone keypad with a baby hamster skull at the expense of your 4 year old’s innocence being shattered
You’ve ever converted an outhouse into a soap box derby racer
You’ve ever slept through your alarm so badly that when you woke up a pink slip from work had already arrived in the mail
You’ve ever performed unspeakable sexual acts on your sister in order to get her to trade you Ventnor Avenue during a game of Monopoly
You pulled the head off of your prize milk cow while trying to remove a breached baby calf using your Jeep
You can tie a noose blindfolded twenty minutes after chugging a full fifth of Jack Daniels
Your wife has given birth so many times she can cut an LA phonebook in half with her vagina
You’ve ever gone to the doctor thinking you had a head cold and they gave you a pamphlet on Feline AIDS
Your building permit was denied when you dropped the Etch A Sketch that contained your house plans
You’ve ever been asked to leave a livestock auction because of the stain you left on the overalls of the farmer sitting in front of you
You once used your dry rotted sofa as a target to test your tazer gun’s new batteries that you just took out of the fire alarm
You did a stage dive at your child’s 6th grade band concert much to the chagrin of the 90 year old woman you brutally crushed
You’ve ever had to have a pickled pigs foot surgically removed from your left lung after an eating contest
You once prison shanked a 40 year old housewife in order to get the last Tickle Me Elmo at WalMart for your daughter’s Christmas gift
Your post prom party was a waist deep orgy at the Waffle House
You stopped paying Social Security so you could afford to buy a 1:100 scale model of Mt Rushmore made of jellybeans
You lost your in-home child care license when you started making Nyquil popsicles for the kids in their terrible twos
You’ve ever eaten a scotch whiskey sandwich
You’ve ever fixed your buddy’s severed rotator cuff with an apple core and two rolls of gray duct tape
You’ve ever streaked at a firing range
You’ve ever accidentally called your mom while cutting a line of cocaine on your cellphone screen
You cook steak with a hairdryer to ensure proper rareness
Someone told you they were atheist and you told them they should get some cream to put on it
You’ve ever witnessed your wife uncross her legs and wilt a vase of flowers 10 feet in front of her
You’ve ever euthanized an unwanted litter of puppies with a garden tiller
You’ve ever jumped out of a ski lift chair suspended 80 feet in the air for a pack of grape Big League chew
You’ve ever snapped your wife’s bra so hard she had to have surgery to remove bone spurs from her spinal column
You’ve ever wiped yourself with your son’s Boy Scout merit badge sash
You’ve ever spent a fortnight in a sperm bank
You’ve ever gotten your nutsack entangled in the VHS cassette door of an old school camcorder
You caught your child watching Dora The Explorer and punted him through the patio door and into the charcoal grill
You’ve ever gone Number 2 on a child’s face during naptime in order to demonstrate to a daycare director how your homemade tonic cures Pink Eye
You’ve ever killed a kitten via a hiccup
You’ve ever broken into a car and stole the CD player just to see what CD it had in it
You’ve ever ripped the transmission out of your car tapping your foot on the gas pedal to Skynyrd
You’ve ever killed a fly that lit on your baby’s soft spot with a beer bottle
You have a working disco ball in your shower
Half your body weight is hair
You’ve ever blatantly scratched your nutsack raw while taking someone’s order at Chili’s
You caused a cockfight to end in a draw when you employed the use of dynamite
You’ve ever hedge clipped your wife’s right nipple off in her sleep for a Klondike Bar
You’ve ever done the worm over a bed of hot coals for a Natty Lite
You’ve ever been awakened from a deep sleep by the Jaws of Life ripping the door off of your car
You’ve ever roundhouse kicked an innocent foal in the face to impress your 4 year old nephew
You’ve ever beaten a chipmunk to death with a footlong hotdog
You’ve ever fallen asleep while playing hopscotch
You’ve ever torn your ACL while trying to get a VHS cassette unjammed from your VCR
You pitched an on the ground hissy fit in the line at the grocery store when your mom wouldn’t buy you a Snicker’s bar, setting a horrible example for your son
Your dentist proved you were lying about flossing when he stomped the ground next to the chair and half your teeth fell out
You were told to stop squirming during laser eye surgery and two hours later you were caning your way through the parking garage carrying a jar with your retinas in it
Your son wouldn’t come out of his treehouse to do his homework so you threw an antique grenade into it, which surprisingly worked as if it had been made yesterday
Your grandma told you she wasn’t born yesterday, but you convinced her she was because of the Alzheimer’s
You’ve ever used cigar burns to teach a lab rat how to play online poker for you
You’ve ever ruptured your vocal chords screaming over winning a free 20 oz Coke via the bottle cap of another Coke
You totaled your pickup while driving to church and put your femur through your shin, but opted to continue to church instead of the emergency room
You went to the dentist and the receptionist ruptured a disc trying to lift your dental records out of the filing cabinet
You’ve ever realized you were drinking Pine Sol and not Juicy Juice about halfway through the bottle, but decided to finish it off
You’ve ever had phone sex with an On Star representative after totaling your Jeep
You ruined a local film festival when you debuted your home movie 2 Cows, 1 Trough
You have so many pubes jammed between the keys of your cellphone you can’t dial anything
You sharted so badly during your DMV road test that examiner couldn’t even read the notes on her clipboard anymore
You’ve ever put a hundred dollar bill into a jukebox and drank beer until the music stopped
It’s easier to calculate your pickup’s fuel efficiency in gallons per mile
You have a Polaroid photo of a pig wearing a strap on dildo in your wallet
You hijacked a passing UPS truck when the hearse broke down during your mama’s funeral
You’ve ever bought a pocket pussy at a pawn shop
You received a life sentence for flipping your pickup through a cheerleading fundraiser car wash when you completely stopped driving to play your handheld poker machine
You’ve ever looked over at a random woman at a gas pump, gave her a thumbs up sign, and said “Great tits, great tits.”
You’ve ever farted in a mason jar and could see it
You made a full chess set out of your grandaddy’s gall stones
You discovered where your toddler went when you saw half of a Fisher Price rattle sticking out of your rottweiler’s butthole
You’ve ever built a dick sandcastle taller than you
The only thing you can do to get your 8 month old to stop crying is to spray your beagle puppy with a fire extinguisher until it passes out
You’ve ever taken a dump so bad that you had to borrow crutches to get out of the bathroom
The most commonly uttered phrase at your last family reunion was “Put it in.”
You’ve ever coughed up blood while trying to figure out the junior scramble in the Sunday paper
You’ve ever run over a child while playing license plate bingo, but had no regrets because you got to mark Alaska off your list
Your American Idol audition came to an abrupt end when your BO caused Randy Jackson to throw up before you walked in the room
You were saved, baptized, lost your virginity, peformed your first acts of bestiality and incest, got excommunicated, and pulled a candy coated apple out of your momma’s snatch all in a 5 minute span one Sunday morning
You ate your child’s beloved ragdoll in just seconds to prove a point
You’ve ever made your child stand in the corner for being born
You’ve ever put a visit to the Abortion clinic in the hands of a Magic 8 Ball
Your mom asked you to pop her back and an hour later you were on the phone with a florist
Your birth was so traumatic you can remember it
Due to an accident at the machine shop your left hand’s shadow looks vaguely like the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware
You’ve ever tried to pleasure a horse with a ball bat while riding it
You’ve decimated your above ground swimming pool the second you launched your pontoon boat into it
You’ve ever been paddled in adult Sunday School
You have a shoulder high pile of used condoms in the corner of your bedroom
You allowed your mother in law to host a baby shower for you and your wife after you had already decided to get an abortion
You invented a bacon flavored chewing gum that was actually just raw bacon taped to Bazooka Joe
Your doctor has ever x-rayed your colon and said “Yep, that’s a baby alligator you’re feelin’ in there.”
You dropped your newborn down a flight of stairs, but decided to wait and get it on your way back down from the torch
Your mom has ever organized a playdate for you after the age of 40
You’ve ever eaten every chestnut out of the chestnut tree you hit while waiting on EMS to extract you
You ran unopposed for Soil & Water Conservation district manager, resulting in the extinction of virtually every local plant and animal species
Your neurosurgeon said your brain tumor could be traced back to the day you ate a large Wendy’s frosty in 3 seconds
You’ve ever used a signed photograph of the dad from Different Strokes as your resume for a job interview
You’ve ever been so drunk that you took a dump in a urinal while facing it
You’ve ever been kicked out of a Lamaz class for giving the unborn children noogies
An entire tenth of a point of the Dewey Decimal system is dedicated to books about farming accidents you’ve caused
You’ve ever eaten a two dozen box of cordial cherries in less than 7 seconds in a non-contest setting
You successfully fathered the first centaur in recorded history
You’ve ever severed a vertebrae playing peepeye
You slept in your crib until age 23
You threw an unwanted pet off a local bridge without missing a breath in your cell phone conversation
You’ve ever pleasured a beagle with a maraca duct taped to a band saw
You bought a used Fleshlight on Ebay from a user with a -15 feedback rating
Your wedding tape has an adult content disclaimer at the start of it
You fixed your spotty TV reception by brushing all of the stillborn bulldogs off of the top of it
You have multiple flannel shirts that are permanently stained by coondog miscarriages
You were tazered off of a roof when you and your buddy refused to quit playing tic tac toe on someone’s solar panels
You’ve ever broken a painting over your knee because you didn’t understand it
Your town has a law against change
You have become physically allergic to change
You laughed so hard you could see black specks swimming around in your vision while watching a Youtube video of a toddler fighting for its life against a swarm of killer bees
You threw up cabbage, mayonnaise, and horse meat for two weeks after you completely misinterpreted what Seattle Slew was
The judge had to explain the concept of “hit and run” to you about thirty times because you thought it just made good sense to run
Most regional health care providers now include a checkbox on their applications that ask if the applicant attends your annual Halloween party
Your attempt to convert a grandfather clock into a pocket watch resulted in a separated shoulder and two titanium spinal rods
You’ve ever forced tequila shots on a nest of baby robins
You’ve ever had your car packed so full of trash you had to shove your child’s seat sideways into the dash and duct tape it in
You’ve ever killed another human being in the course of a spontaneous food fight
You’ve ever gotten in a face biting contest with a snapping turtle, which you definitively won on the first turn
You have more 1988 Donruss baseball bards in your house than the space occupied by everything else combined, including air
You’ve ever thrown a kettle of boiling water at a child to get it to stop crying about the first one that you threw at it for no reason
You tucked your newborn under your shirt so you could get on the pirate ship ride that goes upside down at the county fair
You wrote a children’s book in memoriam of your son entitled “Curious George And The Spring Loaded Bear Trap Sitting On Top Of The Rickety Bookshelf”
You and your buddies have a road trip game where you speed up to 100 mph and hit pedestrians with your car door and see how far they tumble
Your eldest son took his first swing at a cop before he was potty trained
You forgot to get your daughter a birthday present, so you clipped her ponytail off in her sleep and wrapped it
You’ve ever walked in a random hospital room and unhooked someone’s respirator to reinflate the gift shop balloon you bought for your uncle
The first time you ever put a Tootsie Pop in your mouth you went from 7 teeth to no gums
You’ve ever beaten a pony unconscious while trying to get it to jump over a ten foot wall while standing flat footed in front of it
Your wife has ever won a watermelon seed spitting contest without the use of her mouth
You’ve ever casually snatched your cockatiel out of its cage and scratched your butt with its beak
You made your worst mistake ever when you melted a die cast tonka truck in the microwave and then tried to make use of it sexually
You once got diarrhea from a Taco Bell so badly that you burned down a Hispanic youth center
You tried to freeze your wife’s mole off by pouring a bucket of liquid nitrogen on her head while she was napping, but then sneezed and shattered her skull
You put your cigar out on your puppy’s eyeball because you were tired of it sitting there staring at you for approval
You’ve ever cock blocked a stud horse
You and your friends claimed you were a strike away from a 300 even though the owner of the alley had just retrieved your ball from a gutter 20 lanes over
You converted your daughter’s Easy Bake Oven into a meth lab
You dislocated your femur trying to assemble your toddler’s plastic colored ring tower
You’ve ever drunk enough non-alcoholic beer to get alcohol poisoning
You’ve ever high fived a gynecologist so you could see what his hand smelled like
You’ve ever killed a friend’s parakeet with an overly dramatic peepeye
Looking at the floor of your house is like an LSD trip because of the hundreds of thousands of silverfish that inhabit it
You’ve ever snatched the beard off of a rooster with salad tongs for no other reason than you thought to do it
You’ve ever hunted songbirds with a 50 cal full of incendiary rounds
You had to rebuild 75% of your home the first time you and your wife tried reverse cowgirl
You were tackled and restrained in a courtroom after your shotgun ringtone went off
Your child won the regional 4th grade science fair for his project “What Happened When My Dad Burped In This Mason Jar”
You closed all of your bank accounts and donated all of your money to leukemia research while your smartphone was jostling around in your pocket
You found out 5 minutes before your tee time that your dad was in a hospital 2 miles away and probably had less than an hour left and you went ahead and teed off anyways
You’ve ever intentionally hit a PT Cruiser head on because you thought it was a street legal bumper car
You formed an adult club teeball team in college
The local middle school baseball team’s herpes outbreak was traced back to you trying on every single cup at Dick’s Sporting Goods
The first twenty rows of guests at your wedding had to wear ponchos and even then that wasn’t far enough back
You’ve ever chest bumped an old friend at a near sprint while wearing a Baby Bjorn
You’ve ever gotten an STD from a quail
You were given “the talk” by a homeless man on your 4th birthday
You’ve ever tried to sneak a dead beaver onto an aircraft for almost no reason at all
An MRI of your liver was once featured on the cover of a medical journal
You called in a bomb threat to get your child out of school early so you could get to happy hour at the strip club on time
You are legally required to put out an “Inmates Working” sign in your yard when you mow the grass
Your high school diploma is written in a crayon and has numerous expletives on it
After watching Star Wars Episode 1, you converted your child’s soap box derby car into a podracer, resulting in over a dozen fatalities at the town’s annual race
You’ve ever sprinted through a fully operational sawmill while you were stone drunk
You’ve ever farted so badly at a Waffle House that their sanitation grade was lowered two full letters
Your wife’s pubic hair cost you
8000 in plumbing fees last year
Your entire family was banned for life from the bowling alley after your wife successfully knocked over 6 pins with a bowling ball fired from her snatch
You knew you had found your soulmate when you were both dragged out of an all you can eat BBQ buffet on your first date
You dug through your dog’s feces day in and day out for 8 months hoping to find the missing R tile from your Scrabble set
You forced your son to give a kidney to one of your casual poker buddies that needed one
You’ve ever circumcised a buddy as a prank while he was passed out drunk
You stomped your child’s kitten into oblivion when it jumped into your lap while you were watching The Ring
You’ve ever been so horny you made love to a rolled up Auto Trader that had gotten warm sitting in the windshield of your pickup
You tagged yourself on or around the crotch of every photo of every female friend you had on Facebook in hopes of it leading to something
You’ve ever parked your F450, with stilted monster truck wheels, over top of a smart car and dropped an anchor through it
You’ve ever played Marco Polo with machetes
You’ve ever asked for a high chair at a strip club
You faked your death on your daughter’s 9th birthday so you could give her one hell of a 10th birthday present
You’ve ever pleasured yourself to completion under the table during a family game of Sorry
When the DVD release of Deliverance was announced you quit your job, bought a catheter, and camped out in front of Blockbuster for 3 months
Your caved in your son’s collarbone while giving him a bear hug as he was boarding the bus for summer camp
You knocked your 8 year old unconscious when you decided to play cornhole with socket wrenches
You watched 2 episodes of Lost and went in for a lobotomy consultation the following day
Your child’s 4th grade tug of war team had it’s arms pulled out socket when you tried to help them by super gluing their hands to the rope
You shake hands with the intention of crushing bone to dust
You signed up for horticulture in college, but when you realized what it actually was you shoved an entire Bonsai Tree up your professor’s butthole
You’ve ever emotionally bonded with a ceiling fan
You bought a BluRay player off a website with an animated gif of a monkey committing suicide and received a blue shoebox full of dead butterflies
You have a glory hole in your barn
You unleashed a blood curdling scream during Sunday sermon when you discovered an uneaten Tootsie Pop behind the hymnal in front of you
You’ve ever pleasured your wife with a 2 liter Sun Drop duct taped to a band saw
You’ve ever cupped a feel while performing the Heimlich maneuver
You utterly ruined League Bowling night when you evacuated your entire digestive system on arguably the most epic shart of all time
You spent a year in ICU after trying to complete the challenge of eating ten saltine crackers in under a minute
When you walk into any given bank, there’s a 50% chance that at least one teller will raise their arms
You’ve ever held a gun in your mouth trying to get the checkout attendant to give you a dollar off a single sheet of plywood at Home Depot
You snore loud enough to move the foundation of your house three quarters of an inch each year
You walked into a coffee shop for the first time and the owner asked if you’d like to try a macchiato and you held him to the ground trying to scrape the peanut butter off the roof of his mouth
You’ve ever slipped a cow a roofie
You had your best breeding season ever when you slipped your prize stud horse a hit of ecstasy
You’ve ever pleasured yourself to a photo of a lost person on a milk carton
You’ve ever hocked a loogie out your window that caused a 20 car pileup
You’ve ever brought a bag of popcorn to a funeral
You’ve ever eaten feces as they fell out of a steer for a Klondike Bar
Your grandma has to take out her teeth to milk the cows, but no one has the guts to tell her that udders have six much smaller nipples
You attached your grandpappy’s pacemaker to a Clapper with hilarious results
You’ve ever pleasured your wife with an outboard motor
You’ll never forget the look on your family’s faces as their chewing slowed and they realized you had done unspeakable things to the Thanksgiving turkey
You autotuned your son’s circumcision and put it on YouTube
The birth of your first child was the happiest day of your childhood
You’ve ever used a biscuit to sop up the gravy off of the plate of a nearby stranger at a country diner
Your daddy wouldn’t buy you a horse so you stole one from a carousel ride and duct taped it to your dirtbike
You’ve ever leveraged a free Pepsi winning bottle cap for sexual favors
You fell in the floor laughing while watching a documentary on the Donner party
The admin of Craigslist blocked you after you emailed a couple hundred times trying to get them to add a goat listing to the casual encounters page
You bought an antique pocket pussy because you have a granny fetish
You were dishonorably discharged as a scoutmaster when you fell miserably short in an attempt to jump your entire troop with a dirtbike
You gained 200 pounds in a month in an attempt to get on The Biggest Loser
Your next door neighbors have ever called you about a fart you let
Your truck tires are so bald you can see the air in them
You’ve ever shimmed the short leg of a patio table with a nest of baby birds
You’ve ever opened a jar of peanut butter and found 7 baby rats inside and shoved them to the side so you could spoon some out
You’ve ever used the spinal column of a beloved pet dog as a switch on your child
You’ve ever snuck a watermelon into a concert via your wife’s snatch
You bit the beard off a rooster while giving your son the talk
You dispatched a 90 year old man by giving him a noogie
Your lifelong goals are written on a bubblegum wrapper
You’ve ever dislocated your shoulder while trying to use a Viewmaster
You ripped all of your armpit hair out in two simultaneous tugs when you found out My Name Is Earl had been cancelled
You smashed your brand new Gibson over your guitar teacher’s skull 7 seconds into the first lesson
You’ve ever fractured your collarbone playing fantasy football
You bypassed the dentist and pulled your child’s wisdom teeth with a posthole digger
Jerry Springer has you on speed dial
You’ve ever farted so hard at karaoke that it caused mic feedback
You can cut a dollar bill in half with a gleet
Your wife’s see-through lingerie reveals a tapestry of bullet wounds and deep cigarette burns
Your bachelor party lasted until the divorce was finalized
You suffered total hearing loss and leveled your singlewide when you farted into a row of 70 consecutive megaphones
You brush your teeth with ranch dressing
You’ve ever walked in on your wife with a St. Thomas Aquinas garden statuette inside her up to the sandals
You made a low cost vibrator by shoving a hummingbird into the empty battery slot of a small flashlight
You’ve ever gotten your dick impossibly tangled in the speech box of a Teddy Ruxpin
You’ve ever played a game of Monopoly that ended up on your credit report
You started throwing punches at every moving thing around you when your KFC chicken livers came out just a touch dry
There’s not an April Fools’ that passes by without you changing someone’s life forever with a booby trapped box of Cracker Jacks
You got 20 years when a kid in front of you at the theater was texting and you kicked the back of his seat so hard it shattered his 6 lowest vertebrae
Your favorite thing to do on a Friday evening is trying to crap into open sunroofs from an interstate overpass
You chop blocked a Subway sandwich artist in the throat for putting lite mayo on your sub
You’ve ever done donuts in a parking lot of a mental healthy facility at 4am to see if you could start a riot
You’ve ever styled your hair with the leftover lube after a quickie
You wrote an impassioned letter to your senator trying to get the law on human-livestock relationships changed
You forced your wife to play paintball with you and your buddies when she was 8 months pregnant
You’ve ever sharted during a parent teacher conference and tried to act like it didn’t happen
You have more stolen road cones in your living room than downtown New York City
Your suspicions were confirmed when, at the church potluck, you spotted your missing pocket pussy baked into your wife’s pineapple upside down cake
You’ve ever eaten so much raw cookie dough at one time that you began pooping the first of it out while you were still eating from the same batch
You’ve ever used the word “checkmate” inappropriately in a children’s hospital
You’ve ever been so pressed for time to make Thanksgiving dinner that you microwaved a turkey alive
The city forcibly rezoned your property to general business based strictly upon your daughter’s sexual habits
You’ve ever committed a felony on a ferris wheel
You have enough squirrel and rabbit hides to outfit an entire checker set
Your cellphone is bigger than your home phone
You’ve ever done a wheelie on a tandem bike that resulted in the front rider being knocked unconscious by a drive thru clearance bar
Your nativity scene contains a taxidermied bear holding a Scottish claymore
The tape deck in your pickup is so messed up that you can toast bread in it
You’ve ever practiced crying in the waiting area at the unemployment office
You’ve ever gotten in a fight to the death at a Christmas tree nursery
You got pulled for having a taillight out and chewed your fingerprints off while the officer was walking up to your car
You own the pelvis of Moe from The Three Stooges
You got your first pube before you were weaned
You took your pet fish out for a walk, but when you got home all that was left was an indistinguishable wad of mush hanging off the end of a leash
You’ve ever passed out trying to blow a bubble with a piece of salt water taffy
You wear a knee brace on your artificial leg to garner additional sympathy
You’ve ever let a fart in church that was so thick that everyone within 7 pews of you got pink eye
You’ve ever seen a zookeeper being sexually assaulted by a giraffe, but passed out from laughing while running to get help
You enabled 1 click to buy on your Amazon account and your toddler spent your life savings on restored gumball machines when you left your laptop unattended for a few seconds
You dumped a 5 gallon bucket full of marbles out on the court during a peewee basketball game when it wasn’t going good for your son’s team
You grounded your newborn on the way out because your wife’s labor had to be induced
You used a paintball gun to both mark your newborn and get it started crying
You got tired of taking your golden retriever outside to do its business so you hooked it to a catheter and put it in a refrigerator box
You’ve ever used paprika sexually
You’ve ever brought a squeaky bike horn to a kindergarten graduation in order to get attention
You invented a smartphone app to keep count of how many mailboxes you have destroyed with a ball bat in the back of a pickup
The photos on your digital photo frame offended the prostitute you brought home
You broke out of the hospital so you could go to the county fair and ride the Gravitron, just hours after having a quadruple bypass
You’ve ever changed someone’s opinion of you for a lifetime because of one fart
You threw your firstborn’s baby book in the fireplace when you were too lazy to go out on the porch and get a log off the pile
Your child asked you to look in his closet for monsters and you were mauled near to death by a timberwolf that had crawled up through the loose floorboards
Your child asked you to teach him how to throw a baseball and the next seven hours were spent pelting the neighbor’s chained up pug with driveway gravel
You went in for a sleep study and 5 minutes in you had already pissed the bed 7 times, gotten in an all out brawl with a Pegasus, and knocked the actual doctor unconscious with a roundhouse kick intended for Betty White
You shattered your grandpappy’s jawbone with one blow after he played a Draw Four on you in a game of UNO
You ever achieved penetration during a country line dance
Your wedding photos were taken on a cell phone with a half megapixel camera, but you couldn’t get them off of it so you took Polaroids of the screen
You met your wife via a glory hole
You have to use a rope ladder to get into your pickup truck
You lost your life savings when you fell asleep while connected to a sex hotline
Your child refused to go to the dentist so you taped him to the ground and spiked a football into his mouth until all of his baby teeth came out
You made your child a makeshift ball and jacks set out of some anal beads and rusted boot spurs you found at a yard sale
You’ve ever shaved with firecrackers
You trained your Rottweiler to burp your baby
You’ve ever faked your death to stop someone’s hiccups
Your wife owns a vibrator with handlebars
You’ve ever pulled an entire family of mice and their nest out of a bowling alley claw machine
You got alcohol poisoning on your DMV road test
You’ve ever farted in the pneumatic tube capsule at a bank and sent it back along with your deposit
You and your drinking buddies played Russian Roulette until someone lost while your son and his sleepover friends just sat and soaked it all in
You charged the court and trampled seven 1st grade basketball players when your son hit a 3 pointer with 25 seconds left to halftime
You’ve ever dunked a living turtle on a neighborhood kid’s 7 foot basketball goal
You’ve ever been walking down the street and saw a snail crawling by and picked it up and ate it on a whim
You’ve ever done a full body wax on a beagle to punish it for not “staying”
You’ve ever had any part of your body inside of a goat
Your pit stains are so extensive that the unaffected part of your shirt looks abnormal
Your infant’s colic got so bad that you had to set it outside on the picnic table for the night so you could get some sleep
You’ve ever played one round of Russian Roulette to keep yourself awake while driving sleepy
You’ve ever pleasured your wife with a Dallas Cowboys foam finger
Your child drew a crayon picture of a cowboy on your absentee ballot before you could fill it out and you just sent it in that way
You threw a bowling ball through your TV when Obama got elected
Most people you know don’t like people they don’t know
You slit a mime’s throat with your car keys because you thought it was giving you the silent treatment
You once messed up the recipe for coleslaw so badly that half the people at your church potluck died and the other half were painting the floor with bits of horse and poison oak
Your son explained to you what text messaging was and the next morning you put a mattock through your mailman’s chest
You’ve ever demanded a refund at a sperm bank
You got banned from your CPR class for giving the dummy a creampie
You dropped LSD at your son’s first middle school band concert
You indirectly pay your own allowance by going to the strip club
Your church uses saltines and Boone’s Farm for communion
You had to pay your state DOT for a stop sign when your brand new sugar glider had an “accident” on the way home from the flea market
You use steel wool to whiten your teeth
You turned your car around and drove 2500 miles back home when your kid kicked the back of your seat as you were paying for parking at Disney Land
You taught your dog how to do CPR and the Heimlich maneuver because you’re deathly allergic to dogs
You sprint until you pass out to kick start any new diet that you attempt
You’ve ever pulled a child’s tooth by knocking it out with a Rock Em’ Sock Em’ Robot
You have a permanently reserved bed in the local hospital’s emergency room
You were given a job working in a cubicle and within 5 minutes you had thrown every wall of it out of your office’s 15th story window
You became famous for more or less vaporizing a hot dog vendor and his cart with a potato gun fired from atop the Chrysler building
You’ve ever used pepper spray to force a hamster to learn how to play tic tac toe
You decided not to go into work when something white flew by your window that was almost certainly a dove, but you chose to think it was a snowflake
You can easily inhale an entire tin of Vienna Sausages in one breath
You once put a shuffleboard disc clean through the shin of an 80 year old man while playing a pick up game at your grandma’s rest home
You’ve ever been so badly lost in a corn maze that you started drinking your own piss
You eat so much red meat that your colon looks like a baby pig that was microwaved alive for 2 hours
You burned most of your ball hair off in a tray of sweet potato pie at a Golden Corral
You’ve ever put your one day old child in timeout
You know someone who has survived a decapitation
Your most prized possession is an autographed photo of Conway Twitty crushing a baby turtle with his bare hands
You caved in your wife’s jawbone trying to pop a whitehead for her
You’ve ever been so spontaneously hungry that you ate the matter out of a cow’s eye
Your girlfriend drove you to meet her parents so you made a block and pulled back into your driveway
You have a child named Chigger
You’ve ever filled in your divot on a golf course with diarrhea
You’ve ever made Waffle House’s stock go up 17% in a single meal
You own a rotary cellphone
Your church’s offering is usually in the red somehow
You’ve ever dislocated your jaw while playing rummy
You keep a fully grown, intentionally starved pit bull as a house pet to guard your seven preteen children
You knew your bobcat was close to being housebroken when you took him back to the park and he only mauled 3 children instead of 7
You’ve ever used a candle to prop up an unbalanced kettle of boiling vegetable soup to keep it from tipping over onto your child playing with matchbox cars in the floor
Your preacher slipped and broke his neck on one of your two dozen Red Stripe empties laying in the center aisle
You’ve ever farted on a stainless steel fork and watched it corrode in half
You talked your gullible friend into playing chicken with a train on 500 foot high trestle over a rocky gorge
You got fed up with putting “Free Kittens” listings on Craigslist so you shook your cat over a woodchipper as it was giving birth
You’ve ever sexted someone, who accidentally called your number, until it went to trial
You’ve ever punched a crab to death on a beach just because you could
You once bought a tortilla chip that looked like Pac Man on Ebay for
You’ve ever held your child out over the lion exhibit at the zoo to get a closer look even though you had already broken into it and were standing 4 foot away from the lion
You lost your job as a waiter when a customer at your first table complained about the chili actually being diarrhea
Your one talent is being the only person alive who can burp through their tear duct
Your son was able to cut in line and get Trace Adkins tickets before they sold out when you caused a distraction by cutting a random dude’s forearm off with a pair of garden shears
You’ve ever turned the
5 Wal Mart DVD bin upside down over your shopping cart
You’ve ever used an asthma inhaler to cheat in a pinewood derby race
You snuck into the country fair one night and removed all the bolts from the Ferris wheel in order to witness one of your childhood fantasies come true
You play fantasy wrestling
Someone asked you to hurry up while playing putt putt and you ignored them and continued trying to prove to your brother that you could push the windmill over with your mind
Your friend handed you his phone so you could try out Angry Birds and twenty minutes later you were sitting indian style on his corpse trying to figure out how to three star level 1
You took out a three page obituary in the local paper for your coondog Otis
You watched Kony 2012 and walked outside and executed your neighbors chocolate lab because you thought it looked similar
You’ve ever held your hand up to your mouth for a breath check and threw up so violently that the entire possum came back up
You can easily fly a kite in your living room
You’ve ever casually put a cigarette out on your puppy’s scalp while kicking back and watching the race
You used Foursquare to check into the bank you were robbing at 4am
You received the senior award for most liver transplants survived during high school
You’ve ever used your pet teacup Chihuahua as an emergency diaphragm
You developed such a bad hoarding problem that you had rusty nativity scenes coming out of your chimney
You are unable to part with an empty bottle of sunscreen you bought in a Woolworths in 1982 because the cashier told you Elvis once came in that store
You had your canary’s butthole bleached instead of taking your infant in for his first pediatrician appointment
You developed such an addiction to playing pinball in the eighties that you missed your child’s first everything
You’ve had more than one orgasm interrupted by a cockroach scuttling across your nutsack
You ran out of Little Debbie cakes, but instead of driving to the store to get more, you cracked your child’s ant farm over your knee and ate it
You pawned your granddad’s WWI purple hearts so you could buy a turtleneck sweater for your 900 lb hog
Your collection of Willie Nelson cock rings is a sight to behold
Your living room carpet is actually a large chunk of the center field from the old Atlanta Braves stadium
Your brother lost his life when he tried to do a gainer inside of a revolving door for an impromptu Jackass video
You buy your milk at a pawn shop
You drove your pickup into the broad side of a Burger King because you were too busy sketching the Taj Mahal on Draw Something
You put a one month old puppy in your backpack for show and tell in fifth grade and didn’t give it a second thought until cleaning out your attic some 40 years later
You’ve ever seen your dick on Youtube
You’ve ever emotionally bonded with a fruit fly
You’ve ever tried to cure a urinary tract infection with a flathead screwdriver covered in Neosporin
You’ve ever cooked bacon with a defibrillator you stole from the emergency room
You’ve ever jack slapped someone at a gun range just to see what would happen
Your neighbor got an albino cockatiel and you were so jealous that you soaked your normally colored one in bleach for two hours and then put drops of red food coloring in its eyes
You’ve ever sharted in an attempt to improve your position in the return line at Wal Mart
You went in to get a loan from the bank and when they tried to pull up your credit score, it crashed all 3 credit union websites
You hocked a loogie in someone’s cup as they were taking communion because it was going to drive you crazy later if you didn’t at least try
You dropped out of state college, with only one final left, in order to run your father’s 3 unit trailer park when he suddenly passed away
You’ve ever herniated a disc while searching a Where’s Waldo book
Your mama read you the story of Jonah and the whale and the next morning your pet goldfish was floating upside down with 3 toy soldiers sticking out of its mouth
You’ve ever accidentally formatted a friend’s hard drive while searching for pictures of tractors on Google
You’ve ever been sprayed by a skunk and did absolutely nothing about it
You didn’t see asphalt until the age of 37 and it wasn’t by choice when you finally did
You sat your child on an airport baggage claim conveyor belt while picking up your suitcase and never saw him again
You’ve ever gotten so hard while flipping through the lingerie section of the Sears catalog that you pushed your pants pocket inside out
You’ve ever done a full Happy Gilmore swing while on the putting green in a Dick’s Sporting Goods
You backhanded your toddler out of its high chair when it made eye contact with the last piece of corn on the cob at dinner
You dropped your son off for his first ever Tee Ball game, leaving him in the middle of the street about a mile from the baseball field so you could speed back home and catch the end of Judge Judy
You’ve ever walked into a doctor’s office and rang the desk bell and when the receptionist didn’t respond you punched the bell so hard that it caused an injury far more severe than the one you came in for
You are so good with a slingshot that you can circumcise a rabbit at 70 yards
You taught your kids about the birds and the bees using a milk cow and a ball bat
You’ve ever made mixed drinks with a weedeater shoved in a 5 gallon bucket
Your boarding pass was ripped in half when you raised your arms at security and a beer bottle and a dead baby robin fell out
You once put a bullfrog through a paper shredder while an Office Depot employee desperately tried to tell you it’s not used for that
The neighborhood dogs stopped chasing your car because of the pile of diapers in the passenger side floorboard
You made every person in the audience throw up after your third grade talent show demonstration of how to pull a cat in half with C clamps and logging chains
You skipped high school to enter the adult film industry draft
You’ve ever picked up an avocado at a grocery store and knocked the false teeth out of an old woman’s jaw from 100 feet away just to make sure you “still had it”
You’ve ever married someone you actually saw being born
You applied for a DAV membership when you got carpal tunnel from playing too much Call of Duty on your XBox
You once walked out of a convenience store restroom with a handful of vending machine condoms and said, “Any takers?” and met your wife
You entered a demolition derby with your family fast asleep in the camper attached to the back of the car
You’ve ever boasted about punching a bird out of the air even though it was only flying about 14 inches to the other side of its cage
You’ve ever used a magnifying glass to burn your autograph into a random woman sun tanning on the beach
You founded a local stripper museum
You replaced the transmission in your brand new F150 when you mistook a teenager’s sound system for the engine knocking
You have your mail delivered to an internet sweepstakes place
You walked out of a pet store with a puppy in one pocket and two dozen clownfish in the other and utterly forgot about them until taking your clothes out of the dryer
You ever made a test run on an inflatable doll while in an adult novelty store and decided you didn’t want it and put it back in the box
Any stranger who walks up to your front door gets a civil war cannon to the chest
You’ve ever successfully steered your car a mile down a winding country road with nothing but your dick
You’ve ever shut your dick in a can of dip
You’ve ever removed a garter from a goat
You got arrested and used your one phone call on a sex hotline
You’ve ever gotten a Cinnabon shut down forever with a single shart
You had an HDMI port installed on your VCR
You were escorted off of a 747 when you severely misunderstood what you were given a warm towel for
You’ve ever killed a starfish with a hand grenade out of pure boredom
You’ve ever given a rooster the weekend off with a lying down, one handed, no look 12 gauge out your bedroom window
Your dick is peppered with scars because of the slap bracelet craze in the early 90’s
You felt partially responsible for your brothers stroke when you replaced the contents of his 20 oz pink lemonade with 5 Hour Energy
You had to have minor brain surgery after eating an entire snowcone in one bite
You stopped by a Taco Bell while bringing your newborn home from the hospital and left him sitting on the bathroom paper towel dispenser for 7 hours
You’ve ever sharted yourself, walked in a yoga studio, jerked the mat out from under a chick, wiped it all up, walked out, and never thought about it again
You’ve ever had a blind date ruined when a dozen ears of corn and a tube of KY Jelly tumbled out of your coat
You adopted a puppy while on a 3 day vacation and then chucked it into the ocean hammer toss style right before you headed home
One of your favorite drinking games is trying to finish a 12 pack of Michelob before your infant finishes her bottle
You can sit on your toilet and pick blackberries
You’ve ever ripped your arm out of socket trying to read what you thought was a Braille speed limit sign
Your sister butters her corn under the table and it takes twenty minutes and she screams a lot and it’s fun to watch
Your infant accidentally rode on the roof of your SUV to the courthouse for your child neglect hearing
Your teenage daughter got her nipples pierced without permission and you unpierced them with double fisted clothes hangers as she slept
You bought a gym membership and before your pocket change stopped spinning on the counter you had snapped both forearms trying to curl 1000 lbs
You accidentally picked up the wrong bag at an airport baggage claim, but never said a thing because you liked the stuff you found way better than what you had
The F for conduct on your kindergarten report card was written in the blood of the iguana you brutally stapled in half
You didn’t agree with the upcharge for 3D glasses at the movie theater so you gouged the attendant’s eyes out and walked on in
You’ve ever gotten a shin splint while playing checkers
You caught both the garter and the bouquet at your brother’s wedding, putting 17 people in the hospital in the process
You were asked to clip your toenails while going through airport security as a security precaution
You said, “This steak is the bomb” in an airport Applebee’s and spent the next 2 days walking bowlegged
You’ve ever been sitting in the waiting room of a chiropractor’s office and heard a scream and saw a vertebrae go flying out the receptionist’s window and didn’t even remotely think about going elsewhere
Your last 3 ejaculations have glowed in the dark and you’re not the least bit concerned
You’ve ever torn a toenail off to use as a toothpick
You reach in the crack of your recliner and pick fresh okra
You’ve ever eaten a homeless man’s toe jam in order to skip one place in line for Willie Nelson concert tickets
You called your lawyer about a divorce just seconds after watching your firstborn child enter the world because you didn’t think there’s any way “that thing” could ever be tight again

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