Redneck Jokes

The first time you ever played golf you killed a squirrel, a rabbit, a puppy, a puppy, and a puppy all while doing doughnuts on the clubhouse lawn prior to your tee time
You’ve ever made a tiger at the zoo legitimately cry via taunting
You’ve ever talked your way into someone’s will while taking their order at McDonalds
You’ve ever burned down Martha’s Vineyard
You once decided to play a drinking game and do a tequila shot every time anything died while watching Lord Of The Rings on TV and blacked out when they aired the trailer for 300 beforehand
You’ve ever been in such dire need of something to write with that you drove down to the local funeral home and stole the pen off of a funeral registry
You’ve ever caused a passing car to somersault over a guard rail after waving a fart out your window
You own a baby book that recommends waiting until age two to teach baby how to shoot up
You’ve ever repaired a transmission with Tinkertoys
You’ve ever taken a class to become more close minded
You knocked over your daughter’s swingset while changing your windshield wiper blades
Your pants were falling off on the way into church so you jimmied someone’s hood open and stole their serpentine belt
You engine started knocking in the exact same rhythm as the lead guitar part in Sweet Home Alabama and you just left it that way
You’ve ever tried to juggle running chainsaws on a dare even though you have real trouble just eating with a spoon
You made a Volkswagen beetle sized hole in the side of your trailer during a pillow fight because the pillow flight occurred in the beetle
You’ve ever put out lava lamps as road flares
You’ve ever been brought to orgasm by riding the anti-sleep strip on the side of the highway
You threw up every last bit of food in your digestive system after losing your breath and hemorrhaging your cerebral cortex laughing at the bee stinging scene in My Girl
You’ve ever shoved a water cooler inside of a horse’s anus and won wrestling tickets from your favorite local country radio station
You’ve ever gotten laid as a result of popping a balloon with a gleet at the county fair
You’ve ever locked down on the interstate because you thought you saw a Crunchwrap Supreme laying on the side of the road up in the woods
You’ve ever opted to lay in bed and take a dump instead of walking to the bathroom 20 feet away because you wanted to see who was going to win the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right
You accidentally voted straight ticket democrat in the last election and, upon realizing this, the neighborhood stray puppy was punted an unconfirmed world record of two hundred yards
You’ve eaten at least one thousand pizzas in your lifetime and none of them have had an ingredient other than pepperoni
You’ve ever salted a bandaide to make your child tougher
You’ve ever tricked your grandmother into getting her titty caught in a rat trap, then snapped a pic and set it as your cellphone wallpaper
You permanently stopped the flow of trick or treaters coming to your house when you set off a claymore mine while a cute little Batman was standing in front of your door holding up a plastic pumpkin bag
You’ve ever masturbated while watching giraffes mate on Youtube because they block porn sites at your workplace
You have a black and white HD flat screen
You used your home phone to call the person, whose house you robbed the night before, to let them know they didn’t have any batteries in their smoke detector
You broke your wife’s water with a spitwad
When you got divorced, you walked out of the courthouse to find your buddies had tied cans to the back of your car and wrote “Just Divorced” on the back window
You’ve ever gifted a seeing eye possum to a blind man, while telling him it was a professionally trained golden retriever
You heel kicked your toddler down a flight of stairs in order to buy yourself some time to find the camcorder to film his first steps
You’ve ever had a dentist vomit directly in your mouth and you swallowed and he said, “See, that’s the problem”
You’ve ever pulled your hamstring opening an umbrella
You bet your friend that he couldn’t eat an entire road killed German Shepherd in an hour and you lost that bet
You’ve ever masturbated while halfway up a rock climbing wall at a festival because you knew no one could do anything about it
You’ve ever told your daughter that Jesus took grandma up to heaven and that she should have been there because he had a freaking awesome jetpack
You shoved a gunshot victim to the ground while jockeying for position in the emergency room to get a piece of tortilla chip removed from under your gum
You pulled your eyelashes out with a pair of tweezers in a span of 20 seconds in order to get the person in front of you to move over one spot so you could prop your feet up at the movie theater
You’ve ever thrown a brick in a movie theater for any reason
Someone asked you to follow them on Pinterest and you put your boot knife through their chin because you thought they were making fun of your lisp
You were on the verge of going to the hospital for stabbing chest pains, but then noticed Lizard Lick Towing was on TV and decided to tough it out
You’ve ever taken HGH before a watermelon eating contest
Someone showed you how to spell boobs on a calculator and some 7 hours later, with knuckles bloodied, you managed to spell tittylicker on that same calculator
You watched your sister make more money in one afternoon behind a Stuckey’s than you made in the entire previous year
You’ve ever woken up every single person in an 8 unit apartment complex by singing Steve Miller Band songs acapella at 4am
You pulled your armpit hair out with a fly strip to get the one more ticket you needed to get a plastic spider ring at the local arcade
You’ve ever played video poker until the screen faded away and was replaced by a hospital ceiling and several loved ones looking down at you
You’ve ever administered horse tranquilizers to an ant and thought that they worked as opposed to the needle instantly killing it
You’ve ever chugged a gallon of Chlorox to get your son to let you into his clubhouse
You’ve ever made a psychologist cry from the nipple twister you gave him before he even introduced himself
You’ve ever thrown a surprise hubcap during a game of cornhole while yelling, “Combo Breaker!” and ultimately destroying your friend’s
200 professional set
Your greatest claim to fame is winning a game of truth or dare by successfully shaving your nutsack with a live Maine lobster
You’ve ever climbed inside of an elephants vagina to retrieve a pair of sunglasses you dropped over the wall at the zoo even though numerous people told you they saw them fall into the bushes
You made a homemade Plinko set out of plywood, deer antlers, tin pails, and dried cow patties
On your first ever commercial flight, the plane hit a tiny patch of turbulence and you jacked off to completion before anyone could stop you
You’ve ever made abnormally passionate love to a pig nostril
You’ve ever had a carpet cleaner pay you to let him leave
You’ve ever opened your medicine cabinet and ripped a yellow jacket nest in half
You’ve ever knocked over a complete stranger’s sandcastle with your dick
You’ve ever punched a hole straight through the middle of your windshield so you could reach out and spray Rain-X on the rest of it
You can tell with 100% accuracy what flavor of Skoal your wife is chewing when she’s giving you oral pleasures
You’ve ever slammed your front door in a girl scouts face so hard that she flew end over end through your rose bushes
You’ve ever sharted at a job interview and denied having done so, even though it got on the interviewer’s tie
You dumped a surprise cooler of Gatorade on your wife after she gave you the best sex of your life
You wanted a better view at the movie theater so you kicked the back of the seat in front of you so hard that the person cut three somersaults while flying over seven rows
You bungee strapped your child to the roof of your car after you left the water park because you had just had leather seats installed
It’s considered impressive if someone can Google your name and read the first page of results without throwing up
You’ve ever eaten chicken and dumplings until you blacked out
You opened your car door and knocked a DOT worker down a manhole after having to wait longer than normal at a stop light
You’ve ever played tug of war with a buffalo intestine
You’ve ever been talked out of suicide with a case of beer
You’ve ever put a beagle in ICU with a champagne bottle cork
You’ve ever ridden a goat through a Hardees drive thru
You’ve ever been the mascot for a high school football team without knowing it
You’ve ever woken up with your dick unexpectedly in a rat trap, sneezed, and went back to sleep
You once shoved an entire 5 inch icicle into your erect dick so a bouncer would let you into a bar
You’ve ever put so much salt on a piece of corn on the cob that it took you seven bites to reach the corn
You’ve ever filmed Lego pornography
You had the carpet in your singlewide shampooed for the first time and it revealed that you didn’t actually have carpet
You’ve ever clogged a toilet with phlegm
You were held back in 6th grade when your geography teacher asked you to point at the United States on a globe and you pointed at the logo on a nearby volleyball
One of your favorite pastimes is eating a random mushroom from the forest floor behind your workplace to make your 40 minute commute home more interesting
You’ve ever had your eyeball pulled out of socket while playing beer pong
You’ve ever whipped your dick out to illustrate a point during a wedding toast
Your coffee table is a monster truck tire with a splintered diving board on it
You are well known in your town as the guy who once bit a bull’s testicles off to win Skynyrd tickets from the local radio station
You’ve ever filled a 200 square foot storage unit to capacity with your antler collection
You’ve ever participated in a Fantasy Porn league
You frequently employee the use of chloroform to improve your place in lines
You’ve ever successfully jacked off while running on a treadmill
The head of your dick has ever been bitten by an unborn foal
You attend 17 family reunions per year
You paid a carny to let you put a fully grown horse on a rickety Ferris wheel filled with innocent children
You sent a 7000 word break up text to your girlfriend while driving, leaving the vast majority of a hundred miles of rural roads without mailboxes
You’ve ever told a blind date she was “rapeworthy”
You helped your son replace his eyebrows with dog hair and masking tape after you woke him up for school with a lit fart
You’ve ever traded your child’s beloved puppy for heroin
You’ve ever demanded another stamp on your customer rewards card at a local sandwich shop after showing the manger a cellphone pic of a footlong floater in your toilet
Your wife can’t achieve an orgasm until you use spurs on her
You’ve ever set off a tear gas grenade behind your back when a job interview started going badly
You’ve ever started a marriage proposal with: “Baby you’re the love of my life, I think about you at least half the time when I’m jackin’ off”
You’ve ever consensually popped a cherry with a roundhouse kick
You’ve ever prison shivved a drive-thru attendant for shorting you on honey mustard sauce
You put “Getting DUI’s” down as a hobby on Facebook
You did doughnuts in the parking lot of the police station after getting released for a DUI
You were responsible for 3 horses having to be put down after you hijacked a horse drawn carriage and tried to do doughnuts in it
You’ve ever run an ice cream truck off of an interstate overpass while in the process of flagging it down
You shoved your son out of the car, ripped his shirt off, and handed him a five hour energy on his first day of elementary school
You made the most of renting a motel room for the night by whipping up some moonshine in the bathtub after completing your transaction with a hooker
You’ve ever gotten carpal tunnel from spanking your kids
You’ve ever given out gummy dicks to trick or treaters
You robbed a motel attendant and then used the money to pay for a room
A 5 star hotel had to be evacuated after you walked in off the street and took a dump in their lobby bathroom
You once drank water out of the back of the toilet to get the taste of Fresca out of your mouth
You lost your virginity to something that chews its cud
You got drunk and passed out with your gun cabinet full of loaded assault rifles standing wide open in the living room during the height of your sons wild west themed sleepover
You were arrested two questions into a job interview when you got your interviews for elementary school janitor and porn star mixed up
You paid off your mortgage in Marlboro Miles
You were expelled from elementary school for drawing extremely detailed Pac Man porn
You intentionally ran your car into a telephone pole so your airbag would deploy and kill the spider on your shirt that you didn’t want to touch
You made a house payment with couch change
You’ve ever seen cheek bone while shaving and finished the shave
You’ve ever set off a car alarm with a burp
You can sit in your recliner and spit tobacco juice in any direction and hit a used condom
You’ve ever had a tumbleweed for a pet
You had to be put on an IV of Ritalin to be cured of your World of Warcraft addiction
You think that “No Right Turn On Red” signs indirectly give you permission to turn left on red
You’ve ever been trapped overnight in a blood pressure machine at Wal Mart
You have a tattoo of the Marlboro man on your foreskin
You’ve ever shut an armadillo’s tail in your recliner
A crack whore named Cindy gave you your first bath, but you knew her as mom
Your church has a drive-thru confessional
You’ve ever modified your heated car seat so that you could cook biscuits on it while driving down the road
You once shot a cow across the highway during a 21 gun salute because it would have driven you crazy later if you hadn’t at least tried
Your first attempt at Parkour resulted in a freefall from a 5 story Motel Eight
You’ve ever had two vasectomies in one day
You have “Reverse Cowgirl” written anywhere on your resume
Your wife ran out of gas while bringing you gas after you ran out
You’ve ever lynched a hamster on a Venetian blind cord
You’ve ever gotten your foreskin hung in a clip on tie
You’ve ever jousted with bucket trucks
You got fired for knocking a coworker out of a bucket truck with a pressure washer
You’ve ever gotten into a life altering first fight over sour cream
You’ve ever spent a fortnight in a 24 hour titty bar
You burned down thousands of acres of treasured national forest after a lit fart gone wrong on a camping trip
You’ve ever blown a .22 at a DUI checkpoint and said, “That’s a new record”, then high fived the cop and drove off
You blew a higher number on the breathalyzer upon making bail than when you did at the DUI checkpoint
You’ve ever uploaded a 360 degree panoramic photo of an orgy in your singlewide trailer to Facebook
You’ve ever been so drunk that you farted and put an entire living room full of party guests over the legal limit
You’ve had some of the best orgasms of your life in rush hour traffic
You were detained by airport security when your carry-on was nothing but a plastic grocery bag filled with Roman candles
You and your brother accidentally burned down Colonial Williamsburg while having a lit match fight
You’ve ever followed someone home for singing the national anthem particularly bad
You’ve ever caused a riot at a homeless shelter with nothing but a fanny pack filled with chicken wings and snap pops
Sign language became a part of your family’s life after you stuffed your brother’s ears to capacity with firecrackers for a wake up prank
You’ve ever promised someone a liver thinking that you had 5 of them
You ripped the felt out of a highlighter and chugged the fluid to impress a blind date after she pleaded for you not to
You’ve ever gotten an owl drunk
You’ve ever climaxed while popping bubble wrap
You’ve ever let a kindergartner pull your eyelid off with a pair of pliers because he said please
You ate a 55 gallon drum full of expired cottage cheese over a span of 24 hours to win tickets to a Jason Aldean concert from your local country station
You live by one rule: Any living thing smaller than the sole of your boot gets stomped into the ground
You’ve ever saved a bass boat from sinking with Big League Chew
Your lifelong friend used the acronym YOLO in a sentence and you immediately validated the phrase for him
You had your name written on the chalkboard with 17 checks beside of it during a parent teacher conference
You have Kennedy autopsy photos in your wallet where there should be pictures of your children
You’ve ever been so drunk that you hit on a member of a nativity scene
You’ve ever rolled in a rotting dog carcass on the side of the road before going to the movie theater so no one would sit near you
You’ve ever eaten a fully stocked 7 foot tall display case of Krispy Kreme doughnuts while standing in a grocery store, without getting caught
You don’t bathe for the six months leading up to Black Friday and no one ever denies you the first place in line at Best Buy
Your child’s principal has you in every speed dial slot on their cell phone
You have an above ground pool in your crawlspace
You conceived your first child when performing the Heimlich maneuver on your wife continued right on into full blown intercourse
Your wife decided breast feeding was uncomfortable so you bought a milk cow and put it in the nursery and that was that
You’ve ever patched a hole in your septic tank with Legos
You’ve ever barely brushed the hand of a drive thru attendant while handing her money and instantly fell 100% in deep, emotional love with her
Any attempt to place an ornament on your Christmas tree is instantly thwarted by the existing ornaments aka 3 dozen yellow jacket nests
You called 911 to ask how to change your newborn’s first dirty diaper
The colony of mice breeding in your recliner got so out of control that eventually a pile of mice corpses became your recliner
You’ve ever conceived a child from start to finish before the automatic stop triggered on the gas pump
You can bag your season limit of black bears by simply throwing a stick of dynamite into your attic
You’ve ever shot a goldfish during an elaborate poker bluff
You’ve ever had sex with a banjo
You’ve ever knocked over a mason jar full of horse teeth during coitus
You’ve ever incinerated a canary with a welding torch out of boredom
You jumped out of the rafters and cold cocked your uncle when he cracked on you in the eulogy at your faked death funeral
You’ve ever wrapped your children’s Christmas presents in ripped out Playboy centerfolds
At age 6, you watched your two older brothers fight to the death over who would get the last Life Saver candy in a bag
In 50 years of marriage, your wife has been pregnant more often than she has not
You’ve ever successfully taken a dump in a fully attended Salvation Army donation kettle
You’ve ever shot the bell out of a Salvation Army volunteer’s hand with a sawed off 12 gauge without breaking stride on your way into Wal Mart
You’ve ever done a Netti Pot of horse urine in exchange for a candy coated apple
You’ve ever pipe bombed a fish fry fundraiser because they used perch instead of flounder
You’ve ever rubbed one out while watching a horse pass a gallstone
Your family outing to the local park ended with an erotic photo shoot of your wife on the jungle gym
You reconnected with your childhood sweetheart because you remembered she could deep throat a corn dog in 5th grade
You had to have an exponent dial added to the end of your car’s odometer
You’ve ever walked in your house and heard your wife screaming “Oh yeah! Right there!” and you yelled at your son to stop jackin’ off to his mom’s old pornos
You’ve ever pulled onto someones empty boat trailer, while waiting at a stoplight, to save on gas millage
You immediately recognized one of your old high school pals when his fart drifted 6 rows up to you at a football game
Your 8 year old asked for a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas and you got him an AK-47
You got your first date in years by simply whipping your dick out at a stop light
You’ve ever opened a steakhouse that had a working defibrillator at each table
You’ve ever delivered a wedding toast that made the front page of USA Today
You’ve ever successfully raped a giraffe on a dare that your friend only said jokingly
You’ve ever flossed a living tree frog out of your teeth and weren’t the least bit surprised
The suffix of every nickname you’ve ever had is “The Molester”
You’ve ever gone to the doctor for a migraine and we’re given an unexpected 15 minutes to live due to the impending hatching of 25,000 boll weevils in your cerebral cortex
You’ve ever duct taped a lawn chair down to your tailgate when you couldn’t find your infants car seat
You haven’t drank a glass of water in 17 years
You never wipe your butt more than once regardless of the severity of the dump
You’ve ever waxed a drive thru attendant’s forearm while they were handing you your food
You’ve ever tried to skip jury duty by claiming your bicycle wouldn’t start
You’ve ever eaten a convenience store hot dog that had every color of the rainbow on its surface
They rang the bell at your church for three days after they finally eradicated the stench of a dump you left in the bathroom
You tried to one up your friend who brought pot brownies to a wedding by bringing crystal meth cupcakes to a church potluck
You’ve ever taken a dump so drastic that you ripped the entire toilet paper roll off the holder and started scrubbing
You’ve ever heated dog crap in the microwave at work to prove to your friend that your coworkers wouldn’t know the difference between it and minestrone soup
You’ve ever jacked off while standing at a urinal during halftime at an NFL football game
You rolled up a fatty with your certificate of completion just minutes after your 5th grade D.A.R.E. graduation
You’ve ever asked a blind date if she spits or swallows in response to her opening question of “Are you Johnny?”
You’ve never been on a date that didn’t end in a macing
Your child asked you to lay in the floor and color with them and you bashed your smile into the corner of your brick fireplace as hard as humanly possible so you’d have an excuse not to
You gave your doctor a wet willy while he was cutting your child’s umbilical cord
You drove your truck into the punching bag game at the arcade when you couldn’t beat the high score on your first try
Your power flickered off during a light snowstorm and you had eaten the family’s fourteen year old Doberman Pincher whole within 20 minutes
Your parents had to cash in your college fund in order to perpetuate the myth of the tooth fairy when you and your brother got in a hockey stick fight at age 9
You’ve ever done a line of cocaine while in a hot air balloon with a horse
You posted your Playboy collection one by one on ebay and the buyer feedback for every single one read “pages unturnable due to dried semen”
You gave your son a pet falcon for his birthday, but when it tore his entire forearm off you realized it wasn’t the best gift for a one year old
You’ve ever successfully learned how to drift in a logging truck
You once attempted to drive 20 miles on roads coated with 7 inches of sleet to get a 1 dollar discount on a wrestling DVD at Big Lots
You’ve ever dropped a mouse on a maxed out belt sander to see if it would run on it like a treadmill
You spent one night of your life in Vegas and have matching horse anus tattoos on your eyelids to show for it
You own a homemade necklace made out of cow labias
You’ve ever slit the throat of a seeing eye dog so that you could strike up a conversation with a hot blind girl
You lost your virginity while staring at your grandma’s dentures soaking on the nightstand
The smell of Astroglide reminds you of your first Boy Scout merit badge
You backhanded a child at a neighboring table at Olive Garden to cause a distraction so you could steal the rest of the black olives out of your wife’s salad
One of your hobbies is going around pulling the keystones out of arches to see if they will collapse
Both of your knees crackle like sparklers when you walk up stairs but you aren’t the least bit concerned
You’ve every chloroformed a cat for absolutely no reason whatsoever
You’ve ever had an accountant refuse to do your taxes on account of your papers being utterly soaked in raccoon afterbirth
You’ve ever told a child to behave or you would slap the taste out of their mouth and you ended up slapping all five senses out of their mouth
You’ve ever beaten a bison to death with a frying pan to celebrate the 4th of July
You’ve ever convinced a Boy Scout to let you point blank him in the Adam’s Apple with a paintball gun for a non-existent bravery merit badge
You’ve ever watched in excess of 7 seconds of Duck Dynasty
You got giardia from eating undercooked flounder at your favorite fish camp and went back 3 months later to celebrate your recovery
Your fried butter sticks were a huge hit at your Super Bowl party in the sense that the hospital made an enormous amount of money off treating 7 near simultaneous heart attacks
You forced your child to drink an entire display case of 5 Hour Energy before the jump rope contest at field day
You organized the world’s first fantasy Swamp People league
Your brother pays you child support
Your favorite pastime is running through a city park clipping random children’s kite strings with scissors
You’ve ever lit a joint on the backfire from your pickup
Your sister can sit on a football until the stitches disappear
You epoxied your neighbor’s dog’s anus shut when it took one too many dumps on your lawn
You forced your child to eat an entire burlap sack full of decade old Halloween candy when they refused to eat their broccoli
You snuck your crippled hound dog into the passenger seat of a crash test vehicle instead of having it put to sleep
You shot out 3 of your living room windows searching for a cellphone signal
You feel asleep jackin’ off to porn and woke up 24 hours later with a permanent set of titties burned into your 60″ LCD TV
You’ve ever eaten Werther’s Originals on an empty stomach until you blacked out from the pain of being too full
Your livestock barn has so many rusted shopping carts in it that you can’t see the hayloft
Every contact photo in your phone is of a genital
You’ve ever broken your wrist making deviled eggs
You took your first steps in an ABC Store
You fathered 78 children the night of your senior prom
You took your pickup to be detailed for the first time and when you came back to get it, all 4 employees were in tears and one had a tennis racquet handle through his jaw
You’ve ever burped so violently in an Olive Garden that it blew the leather derby off an old man 60 feet away
You’ve ever had intercourse with a microwaved bottle of thousand island dressing
You sent a Facebook message to a page called 911 when your dad took a point blank 12 gauge to the chest
You uploaded a photo of your brother with an arrow through his liver to Instagram while waiting on paramedics to arrive
You once spent an entire weekend trying to find at least one Youtube video of a sea otter blowing up
You started looting WalMart when a dense fog warning popped up on your smartphone
You read your children The National Enquirer for bedtime stories
You have a ruler tattooed on your dick
You lost your virginity without knowing it
Your sister’s water broke and you brewed sweet tea out of it
You dropped boiling oil onto tourists from the turret’s of Cinderella Castle at Disney World because it was the most historically accurate thing to do
You’ve ever drunk Cheerwine consecutively until you needed a kidney donor
You’ve ever thumb wrestled someone for their liver
You’ve ever bitten your tongue so badly that you had to floss afterward
You broke in to a hospital nursery and switched the newborns around randomly for an April Fool’s prank
You’ve ever let a jellyfish sting your dick for natural male enhancement
You had a 5 o’clock shadow when you were born
You’ve owned over thirty cars in your lifetime and not one of them had a muffler
Your goté was longer than the train of your wife’s dress at your wedding
You’ve ever seen a dog throwing up and it reminded you that you needed to change your grandma’s Depends
You sit bare ass on a 5 gallon bucket with your eyelids taped open during the Daytona 500 so you don’t miss a single moment
You’ve ever made a fart sound with your cupped hands that was so loud your neighbor’s dog started barking a quarter mile away
You can detect the scent of a llama’s pussy fart from over a hundred yards away
You’ve ever walked into an all you can eat buffet amidst whispers such as “there he is” and “does your phone record video?”
You bought
30K worth of apps on a random stranger’s smartphone that they left laying on their table while going to the bathroom at a steakhouse
The TSA’s drug sniffing dog fell over stone dead when it walked past you in the airport security line
You noticed your puppy Prairie dogging and you pushed it back in with your index finger and said, “Not today little buddy.”
You played recorded sound bites of each of your younger sibling’s conceptions at your parent’s 50th anniversary party
Your previous coonhound’s cock is sitting in a jar of pickle juice on your mantle
Every bumper sticker on your pickup is unconstitutional
You once started taking a dump in a public bathroom and within 10 seconds the person in the stall next you had thrown up until they were dry heaving blood clots
Your breath has ever been the subject of a Mythbusters episode
You called the Better Business Bureau when your hooker didn’t let you creampie
You stuffed your infant into a hollowed out beagle corpse in order to get its shots done cheaper at the vet
You once took a dump so bad that you called the plumber before you even got up to look at it
You had to have your leg amputated as part of a wildly unsuccessful attempt to retrieve a jammed Butterfinger in a vending machine
You’ve ever dropped LSD with a blue macaw
You’ve ever put a pinch of Red Man in an Easter Egg
The greatest moment of your life was when you tricked your brother into having intercourse with a camel corpse on April Fool’s
You took your son to Disney World for giving half as many life altering wedgies in third grade as he did in second grade
You’ve ever been paid time and a half for your participation in a spontaneous company orgy
You faked a heart attack at a Lowes Hardware so that an employee would pay attention to you so you could ask where the hammocks were
You broke an 8 foot 2×4 over your brothers back at a Home Depot to test its durability
You caulked many a dick hole shut during pledge week at your college fraternity
You’ve ever played “coochie coo” with a scorpion
Your wife asked you to clip your baby’s nails and you pulled them out with pliers so you wouldn’t have to keep doing it in the future
You’ve ever looked down one day and noticed that your pinky was missing
You went to donate blood at a blood bank but they told you they couldn’t use it because it was infested with tadpoles
You’ve ever sexually assaulted a piping hot cinnamon bun
You set the school record for fitting two dozen Lego minifigures inside the anus of the class gerbil
You poured an entire pouch of Pop Rocks in your wife’s snatch on April Fools
You can debate liver mush brands for hours on end
You successfully hit the ceiling with the Diet Coke and Mentos trick fired out of your wife’s snatch
Your screensaver contains bestiality
You dropped ecstasy with a stud house and regretted it for the rest of your life
You had to be put on a blood thinner and aspirin regimen after you spent 10K trying to win Mcdonald’s Monopoly
You’ve ever had someone tell you that your burp smelled like a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert
You once ate so many Cadbury eggs over Easter weekend that Pepsi tasted like club soda to you for 7 months
You’ve ever tried to juggle 4 running chainsaws on a dare even though you have serious trouble tossing a baseball between your hands
You sent a frowny face emoticon via text to 911 when your brother fell 3 stories out of a deer stand
You became an only child when your brother jumped out of a 17 story office building into a kiddie pool filled with Rice Krispie treats for a homemade Jackass stunt
Your wife asked you to burp the baby and you strapped it face down on the paint shaker in the garage
You attached a ruler to a treadmill to function as a combination baby burper / spanker, depending on the speed
You attempted an Annie Oakley shot at an indoor shooting range but forgot to turn around first
Your local hollerin’ competition is judged by who can make a german shepherd’s ears bleed the most through a point blank megaphone
You’ve ever packed your lunch with stuff you found in your couch cushions
You’ve ever made national news while test driving an F150
You used a rectal thermometer to check and see if your Thanksgiving turkey was done
The Kiss Cam at the Braves game caught you balls deep in a cup of piping hot nacho cheese
Your wife has ever given you a thumbs up from across the room at a swingers convention
You heard your lawnmower abruptly stop outside, followed by bloodcurdling screams from your 10 year old son, but you finished your game of multiplayer Call of Duty before checking it out
The way you talk has ever been described as what Foghorn Leghorn would sound like pleading for his life
You broke your wrist trying to enable Bluetooth on your smartphone
One of your farts has ever been documented in a medical journal
You’ve ever shot bottle rockets at blind people
You made your wife anal beads out of crumpled up tin foil and pipe cleaners
You watched your wife go down on a rhinoceros at the zoo, winning you five dollars from your brother and his wife
You and your 15 buddies observed a moment of silence during the prayer at a graveside service before resuming your game of paintball at the local cemetery
You’ve ever been handed a blank check in order to get you to appear on an episode of Hoarders
You’ve ever stepped over a dead body to get to a beer coozy
You let your child borrow your meth lab for his 4th grade science project
You forced your old hound dog to lay in marinade when it became apparent he was about to pass
You’ve ever been kicked out of a brothel for insisting on a horse
The first time you ever tried to moonwalk you dislocated your jaw and killed 1700 caterpillars
You’ve ever read a book on Tantric sex to your 7 year old for a bed time story
You know more about monster trucks than every other topic in existence combined
It was scientifically determined that on April 17th, 1995 you ate 19.48 pounds of meatloaf at your family reunion in a span of 34 minutes
You’ve ever tried to concealed carry a PVC pipe potato gun
You’ve ever gone to swingers party where you and your wife were the only humans
You’ve ever used a stillborn German Shepherd as a pool float
Your refusal to tear down an impromptu pillow fort ended your marriage
You had your knee replaced but never learned to walk again because your physical therapist wasn’t white
You’ve ever woken up in your bed with a death grip on a horse’s dick for any reason whatsoever
You became locally famous as the guy who had to be resuscitated and given a nutrient IV after trying to live off only Frank’s Red Hot for three weeks
The first time you ever tasted a cough drop you couldn’t stop eating them until you had Type 2 Diabetes and a permanent immunity to coughing
You’ve ever walked into the DMV with a beer dispensing helmet on
You’re the only person on record who has ever been extracted from a Wal Mart display bin of boxed candy via the jaws of life
You had an asthma attack when you saw Deliverance in the
5 DVD discount bin at Wal Mart even though you didn’t have asthma
You’ve ever ridden a Ferris Wheel until you got Apoxia
You’ve ever put a lit stick of dynamite inside of a live catfish for absolutely no reason other than that you thought to
Your New Year’s resolution last year was to create an entire suit of armor out of hard taco shells
You’ve never spit any gum out
You have to straddle the yellow line while driving so the side view mirrors on your pickup don’t knock over mailboxes
You carry a genuine photograph of Eric Church’s dick in your wallet as a conversation starter
You once tried to give a beagle a prostate exam despite being told repeatedly that its prostate had been blown out across the road when it was run over
You once threw maple leaf seed pods into the air watching them fall like helicopters until you had frost on every inch of your body
You own a briefcase full of seashells from 20 years of beach vacations that you wouldn’t part with if it would cure a close relative’s cancer
You’ve ever held a yard sale at which 89% of the items by volume were shoeboxes filled with empty thread spools
You hand dug a 70 foot deep hole in your yard after watching Gold Rush for the first time
You wear contacts and will do so forever because they slipped behind your eyeballs years ago
You’ve ever severed a rabbit with a rollerblade
The first time you ever went to the dentist, your granddaughter drove you
You own a pet human
You’ve ever snapped your femur making a Jello mold
Your life was ruined when you scratched your head lice at an auction and unintentionally bought a speed boat
You’ve ever bought a lifetime membership to a gym and received a lifetime ban within the same hour
You’ve ever eaten an eight pack of raw hot dogs while sitting in the waiting room at the dentist
You brought a Ming vase to Antiques Road Show and upon hearing the price you threw a fist pump that turned it into a pile of dust
You’ve ever put a stamp on a Polaroid of your cock and dropped it in the mail
You’ve ever been so drunk you tied a necktie around every lemon on your neighbors twenty foot tall lemon tree
You’ve ever passed out drunk at the beach and woke up seven miles out on the open ocean with half your body almost purple from sunburn
The local bartender is the only ICE contact in your cellphone
You’ve ever eaten a raw onion the size of a volleyball just seconds before walking into a job interview
You’ve ever walked into a dog shelter with a 30 gallon black garbage bag because you thought it worked that way
You’ve ever eaten a lemon, peel and all, during a job interview and got the job
You auditioned for Juilliard on the brown jug
You’ve ever delivered an eulogy that contained the F word more often than all other words combined
You’ve ever given a Cleveland Steamer to a billy goat
You’ve ever played Twister at a homeless shelter so it would be like child’s play when playing it against your family
You’ve ever burped in someone’s face and permanently unfocused their prescription glasses
You won a 7 foot tall trophy for killing rats
You’ve ever fixed a hemorrhoid with a sledgehammer
You’ve ever dislocated your hip to fit into a theme park spinning tea cup with your daughter
You own a Jesus Christ rookie card
You invited your parole officer to drop LSD with you when you forgot where you were during your monthly visit
You’ve ever dropped LSD and saw nothing but the plains of North Texas in all directions until it was over
You’ve ever mixed up your stash of cocaine with the lemon lime kool aid mix for your child’s packed lunch
You’ve ever technically had sex with a swordfish
You’ve ever scratched an itch until you had bone marrow under your fingernails
You’ve ever separated all of a sleeping friend’s cuticles with a chisel for absolutely no reason
The first time you ever shot a basketball free throw you killed a bald eagle
You rescued a family of abandoned baby robins momentarily until you fed them Gatorade
You could type your porn site password on a keyboard while submerged under water with a shark biting your arm
Your dog’s explosive diarrhea splattered on your potato salad and you brushed it off and continued eating it
You’ve ever eaten banana pudding with a boot used as your eating utensil
You’ve ever kicked someone out of your house for refusing your offer of a handful of Lucky Charms
You’ve ever eaten a cafeteria serving tray of tater tots by picking it up and drinking it
You’ve ever gotten your taint hair irrevocably tangled in an automatic card shuffler
You’ve ever eaten an uncooked can of corned beef hash while getting head
You’ve ever bashed a rat to death with a bong
You’ve ever given a Charlie horse to a Chihuahua, from which it never recovered
You once broke your baseball bat and ran inside and grabbed your grandfather’s priceless Gibson to replace it
You were awarded the senior superlative “Most Likely To Attempt Suicide Again”
The only thing that gets your infant to stop crying is to throw firecrackers into its crib until it has an asthma attack
You once ripped approximately 75% of your chest hair out during a single turn of Battleship
You’ve ever challenged the word “shampoo” during a game of scrabble
You’ve ever sweep kicked a senior citizen at a grocery store because she looked like she was heading in the general direction of the last can of Skoal
You had your ancestors exhumed and taxidermied to use as models when you were trying to sell your home
You can stand up on your toilet and touch a crow’s nest
The weeds growing up through your living room floor boards make a perfect blind for duck hunting, which is convenient given the lack of a ceiling
You’ve ever jacked off so hard while taking to your friend on the phone that he thought you were driving with a flat tire
You drove 80 miles on a flat to make happy hour
You’ve ever taken a nap inside of rhinoceros vagina while waiting to be rescued
You proposed to your 4th wife in a Porta John
You ate the placenta after your first born’s birth, hoping it would cure your head cold
You were peppered with rock salt from 12 gauges instead of rice being thrown at your wedding
You killed your limit during you wedding ceremony and served it at the reception
You snuck into your children’s room and ate the entire mason jar of lightning bugs they caught to see if your semen would glow
You’ve ever popped the hood of your car and ripped a hornets nest in half
Your toddler had the hiccups so you tossed a firecracker onto their high chair tray from across the room
Your toilet paper is dispensed from the tusk of a taxidermied wild boar
You totaled your car because you thought Pimp My Ride was coming back on the air
You’ve ever nicked your carotid artery while playing solitaire
You tried to fix your grandaddy’s Alzheimer’s with a casserole dish to the base of the skull
You’ve ever removed an unexpected dead body from your pool just moments before hosting a pool party and didn’t call the cops until afterward
You paid your drunk uncle
50 to record a voicemail greeting for you
The first night after you brought your newborn son home, you got past his incessant crying by pushing your earplugs in further
You’ve ever been called a “total waste of life” by a complete random stranger walking by on the street
You’ve ever managed to pop up between someone’s legs while they were taking a dump at Wal Mart as an April Fools prank
You’ve ever slipped a donkey dick into the back of your friend’s taco supreme as he was eating it directly across from you
You’ve ever filled the 32gb micro sd card in your smartphone with photos of bowel movements
You slapped the noisy person behind you in a theater so hard that the people in the adjacent theater flinched
You’ve ever been required to grow sideburns to be a groomsman for a co-workers wedding
You’ve ever had the way you breathe criticized by a perfect stranger
You and your wife have ever been tricked into taking an online pregnancy test
You own a t-shirt that says “rape is good exercise”
You’ve ever bought a pocket pussy from a homeless man that clearly had the labias gnawed off
You made homemade trading cards of you and your buddies documenting your criminal statistics
You’ve ever popped a mechanic in the sac with a ball bat while he was changing your oil in anticipation of him possibly price gouging you
You’ve ever set a garbage can on fire in a doctor’s office waiting room so your kids could have a sprinkler to run through
You had nicotine patches put on you before the umbilical cord was cut
You’ve chewed Red Man all your life and never once wasted a bit of it by spitting it out
You watched your friend’s bulldog menstruate directly into his cup of coffee but you said nothing because he made fun of your hairy knuckles a few weeks back
You’ve ever lanced a boil on your lover’s ass with a cocktail umbrella
You have the barcode for Copenhagen wintergreen memorized
You’ve ever whispered to a lover “this is technically not incest” while creampieing them
You’ve ever jumped a bass boat with a horse then jumped that same horse with the bass boat
You’ve ever tied your hair in a ponytail with a rat’s small intestine
You bet your brother he couldn’t juggle three running chainsaws, but had to wait on the life insurance to come through to get paid
You got stuck in an elevator with a urologist and had him give you a vasectomy while waiting for help
You took your car to AutoZone because of a clicking noise and it took a floor tech 5 seconds to identify the cause was a stillborn foal jammed in the radiator
You grabbed your newborn and sprinted out to show it to everyone before the umbilical cord was cut
You snapped the minute hand off of your antique grandfather clock so that you wouldn’t be any later for work
You once slept for 57 straight hours in a cooler full of beer at Talladega
You’ve ever talked a professional airline pilot into playing chicken with another plane
The only three sounds your parrot can successfully imitate are the sound of a beer can opening, the sound of a beer can being shotgunned, and the sound of a beer can hitting a dog in the head
Your bed requires no frame as it is being supported by a monstrous pile of Fleshlight inserts
You were the inventor of the all K keyboard
You’ve ever passed out drunk in a tanning bed and woke up with 6 weeks left to live
You ate a 5 gallon bucket of Cadbury eggs while spectating the Special Olympics
You’ve ever walked into a job interview wearing a tank top and a necklace made of pigeon skulls
While leaving your car parked in town overnight, you left the doors unlocked in hopes of preventing someone from breaking the windows to get in
You haven’t made eye contact with your dick in 7 years
Your physician has ever walked in on you jacking off out of boredom in the exam room
You’ve ever separated your shoulder while lying in bed reading Field & Stream
You left your dogs in the pound instead of getting a sitter when you went on vacation, but they got gassed when you decided to stay three extra days
Your brand new house was condemned about halfway through move in day
You send a photo of your dick with surprise written down the shaft to one Facebook friend at random every day
You’ve ever beaten a donkey unconscious with a Native American corn doll
You smoke about a pack a day while waiting on your electronic cigarettes to charge
You asked your hunting buddies to guard the door while you field dressed a freshly killed buck in a McDonald’s bathroom
You coated your toddler’s pacifier in pure capsaicin extract to break their habit of using it
You called a random person from your cellphone contact list that you hadn’t talked to in 7 years at 4:30 in the morning to ask for money for a six pack
You’ve ever rebuilt your engine using only a bumper jack to hold the car up
You had a vasectomy on your honeymoon
You spent 3 hours trying different ways to hit the low note in Folsom Prison Blues, but all you managed to do was develop pneumonia

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