Redneck Jokes

You started a rape chant at a hog auction
You played a drinking game where you took a shot of tequila after every swing during a round of golf and by Hole 2 you didn’t know what golf was anymore
You caused the worst passenger train accident in US history when you tried to crush 30,000 pennies at one time
Your friend challenged you to do a hundred sit-ups and by the time you finished you had swallowed your chaw, blacked out, and done three
You commute to work in a stolen Blackhawk helicopter
You’ve ever gotten into a pillow fight with a hamster which you won for all eternity on the first turn
You’ve ever popped a Viagra while walking through the gate at the zoo
Your blind date asked you if you had a condom and when she came to you said, “Oh I’m sorry I thought you said chloroform”
You hid a hornet’s nest in the piñata your neighbor bought for his son’s fifth birthday party
You can’t open your Instagram account without seeing either a bowel movement or a farm animal vagina
You had no idea the weird looking chair you bought for your living room was a sea mine until your brother plopped down on it and you woke up 7 years later staring at a hospital ceiling
You kicked in the door of the bathroom at the local 7-11 with such force that it knocked the guy who was taking a dump unconscious
You’ve ever walked into an occupied telephone booth and set off an emergency life raft just to see what would happen
You’ve ever taken an empty dozen count box of condoms up to the grocery store checkout and they asked you where they were and you said you had used them already
Your dentist had to use herbicide on you during your last visit
You’ve ever fought someone to the death over a penny you both simultaneously spotted laying on the ground
You once caused a high school field goal kicker to completely whiff because of a burp you released
You’ve ever legally named your child something inappropriate just to prove a point to someone
You’ve ever been in court against a rooster
You had to get Tommy John surgery after masturbating too hard
You ruined the warranty on your phone with a shart that was intended to be a prank fart for the friend you were talking to
You’ve ever killed a deer with a Molotov cocktail
Your children drove you to Kindergarten orientation
You’ve ever burped so hard at a death metal concert that the band had to restart the song
You’ve ever sharted so bad at the airport that they had to shut an entire concourse down
You’ve ever shared a joint with a bullfrog
You’ve ever sat down on a bench beside of someone with Parkinson’s and got your nut
You totaled your Blazer while slapping the drum solo from In The Air Tonight on your thighs
You had to buy a new computer when the Geek Squad tech at Best Buy informed you that he couldn’t get to the motherboard due to the amount of wolf fur in the way
You’ve ever had diarrhea so bad you had to have your septic tank pumped out twice in a week
You’ve ever cooked bear meat in an old school satellite dish
You put down your German Shepard after you tasted Alpo on your wife’s breath during a good night kiss
You’ve ever strained so hard during a dump that the crystal popped out of your wristwatch
You are one of five people on the face of the earth to have ever seen Reba McEntire’s titties
You own 27 years worth of National Geographic magazines, none of which can be pulled open
Your mailbox is made of a sun-dried possum carcass and a walking cane
Your Photoshop skills involve beating a nerd to within an inch of his life and telling him to restore the photo of your grandaddy that burned to a handful of ash 10 years ago
You’ve ever watched as cricket hopped up onto the tip of your dick and then crawled inside and you did nothing to stop it because it was such a once in a lifetime thing
The county building inspector was in tears before he even set foot in what sort of resembled the door to your house
You ran a hearse off a 70 foot embankment while trying to get to the titty bar before half off lap dances ended
You sprained your neck from the weight of the fish hooks attached to your camo ball cap
You’ve ever made love to your wife so violently that it rattled the batteries out of your neighbor’s hearing aid
Every time you walk into a titty bar, Gene Wilder starts singing Pure Imagination in your head
You’ve ever knocked a Navy Seal out cold with a gleet
You had a custom Fat Head made of your first born son cresting
You own a coloring book with a centerfold in it
You boycotted wrestling for three years after you walked in your wife pleasuring herself with a Hulk Hogan Pez Dispenser
You farted so violently during your baptism that the first three pews got wet
You’re Eskimo Brothers with a stud horse
You’ve ever gotten a DWI on purpose to save on car insurance
You got so drunk while planting tomatoes that when you came to your wife was canning them
You met your father for the first time after picking him out of a suspect lineup
You live in northeastern Alabama
You’ve ever reached under a stall and ripped the t-shirt off of the man sitting next to you and wiped your ass with it
All of your homemade pornos were filmed on automatic deer cam
Every day when you wake up you crack open a cold Natty Ice and recite the alphabet backwards
You’ve thrown a perfect spiral with a cocker spaniel
You hosted a Craigslist orgy that resulted in three blocks worth of storm drains being clogged by KY Jelly
You’ve ever successfully masturbated while in a witness box
You started wearing your CPAP while driving because you nod off so much
You emptied an entire spray can of Febreeze directly into your mouth just seconds before walking into an interview and still didn’t get the job because “your breath smelled like a rotting horse anus”
The tread on your tires is so worn that it’s actually inverted so that the grooves stick out
You pour Sierra Mist in your toddler’s eyes when it won’t stop crying at night because it’s a little less harsh than Sprite
You’ve ever forced your pet iguana to do Tequila shots with you
Your 6 children sleep on a single bean bag chair in the bathtub because you converted their bedroom into the Lego town of your dreams
You’ve ever made a hundred photocopies of your dick with 7 people standing in line behind you at a Fedex Kinkos
You flip a coin when approaching any red light to decide whether to respect it
You’ve ever shaved your pubes while going through a Carl’s Jr. drive-thru
Your optometrist asked you to read the top line of the eye chart and you couldn’t find the chart
You can’t open any of your kitchen cabinets without seeing a molded taco shell, a rat corpse, or an even bigger rat corpse
You ever given a piglet an ultimatum
You’ve ever driven to a bridge with the intent of jumping off of it and ending it all, but abandoned that plan when you saw that Taco Bell was still open
You’ve ever screamed “I love goat pussy” at the top of your lungs while finishing singing some piece of trash Toby Keith song at karaoke
You once ingested so much confetti at a New Year’s Eve party that you could write on your feces with a ball point pen
You’ve ever gone in for a dental cleaning with so much banana Laffy Taffy in your mouth that they ripped your file in half in front of you
You’ve ever successfully canned a horse fart for later
The only sports memorabilia you own is a Joe Montana jersey that is so rotten that it easily rips on a windy day
You’ve ever asked a foal for consent
You emptied an entire clip out of your 9mm into your passenger seat in order to stay awake during your morning commute
You separated your father in law’s spine in 4 places when you volunteered to pop his back without realizing what that meant
You declined coverage on your new Android tablet and shattered it into several hundred pieces slapping a fly on your friend’s back while walking out of the store
You located your biological father based off of something Sharpied onto a rest area wall
You’ve ever body slammed a Jack Russell Terrier
You’ve ever stared into direct sunlight until you couldn’t see a handful of nickels
You’ve ever had full on sex with a glory hole without anything or anyone on the other side
You’ve ever been described as having “world class” bad hygiene
You hit a home run in your first at-bat of church league softball and threw up 7 times before blacking out rounding 2nd base
You put a tarp over your hog pen when you saw dark clouds on the horizon, while your children’s bedroom remained roofless
You’ve ever brought bath salts to a church potluck
You can sleep comfortably on the pile of honey bun wrappers laying in your living room floor
You find it hard to sleep at night when every 3-5 seconds a piece of bat guano hits you in the eyes
You’ve ever slapped yourself so hard to keep awake while sitting at your desk that all of your coworkers sprinted for the exit thinking a gun had been fired
Your gastroenterologist pinpointed that your abdominal pains stemmed from the 3 bride and groom cake toppers lodged in the your large intestine
Your ringtone is nothing more than a recording of you yelling obscenities at a circus clown
There are numerous Youtube videos of you roundhouse kicking bird nests full of baby robins into oblivion for not even a remote reason
You’ve ever had an ingrown dip
You got rid of the rabbit infestation at your house by feeding them Snickers and giving them heart disease
You’ve ever rubbed one out with bulldog slobber
You’ve ever accidentally given a facial to a drive-thru attendant
You’ve ever Snapchatted your fist in a cow vagina up to the armpit
You strangled two cats to thunderous applause while giving the toast at your best friend’s wedding
You’ve ever found deer sign on the corner of your sofa
Your wife’s OBGYN hung himself from a Bradford pear out behind his office after her exam
You slapped a hooker’s ass so hard during sex that she bled out
You’ve ever walked into an animal shelter carrying a 96 gallon trash bag and a snow shovel
Your child’s third grade science project resulted in 17 felonies
You became the first person to ever remix How Great Thou Art into a dubstep song
You accidentally dropped a green pea into the hem of your jeans at dinner and tore out three layers of shag carpet and the floorboards trying to find it
You’ve ever been cock blocked by a hog
You held a gun in your mouth at a Taco Bell drive thru window when they said they didn’t carry the cheesy bean and rice burrito anymore
You said your wedding vows over CB radio
You have a full chest tattoo of the KFC logo
You took heavy petting to a whole new level when your sister’s titties started sprouting out
You’ve ever handed out Halloween candy with your cock out
You’ve ever been engaged to a cake of cornbread for tax purposes
You’ve ever lost a Q-Tip in your ear
You’ve ever stared down another guy’s dick so hard at a urinal that he was alerted to it by your hot breath blowing on it
You’ve ever had a non genital orgasm when taking a bite of a McRib
You’ve ever cut an umbilical cord with a throwing star
You’ve ever fired a newborn kitten out of an antique civil war cannon due to pure childlike curiosity
Your wrist sounds like a baby rattle because of the time you tried to chop seven vertically stacked cinder blocks in half with absolutely no training
You’ve ever decapitated a hummingbird with a spit sunflower seed hull
You proposed to your girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in forest fire
You tricked a rhino into having sex with a horse for your son’s 4th grade science fair project on unicorns
You’ve ever strangled a cat with your beard
You’ve ever sodomized a peach cobbler to completion while in line at a potluck without anyone noticing
Your first attempt at beatboxing a kick drum blew out half your teeth
You’ve ever gotten out of your car during a traffic jam and took a dump in a manhole
You lost your cellphone while at an anonymous orgy and had it returned the next day at church by the organ player
You’ve ever had a pet become Thanksgiving dinner because your truck broke down on the way to the grocery store
Your first baby rattle was a Sundrop bottle half full of cigarette butts
When you built your house, you framed it around a Fraser fur so that you wouldn’t have to buy a Christmas tree every year
The line at the Christmas tree lot was to long so you went home and tied your neighbors up in the basement and moved into their house
You’ve ever had to get stitches due to a stubborn pistachio
You’ve ever done a trust fall out of a deer stand
Your breath has lore associated with it
The smell of cow manure gives you blue balls
You’ve ever fathered a child while standing in line at the unemployment office
You let a Christmas tree lot owner and his brother DP your wife for a free 4′ blue spruce with most of the limbs missing
You got alcohol poisoning at a Long John Silver’s
Your sister thinks Black Friday is what she does behind the local chicken shack
You’ve ever won an award for scratching your ass
You played an entire eighteen hole round of golf without leaving your shroom dealer’s house
You’ve ever had an exterminator recommend not spraying for termites because “there are so many of them they are holding the house together”
You’ve ever walked into a Golden Corral pushing a wheelbarrow
You’ve ever found a corn flake under your man titty and couldn’t remember eating corn flakes in the past decade
Someone tried to explain to you what a Bitcoin was and you spent the next three days trying to chew a quarter in half
You spent your entire third grade summer vacation trying to knock a hummingbird out of the sky with a matchbox car tied to dental floss
You once surprise pied someone in the face so forcefully that they were in a coma for two years
You were slipped a Molly and woke up three days later with a purple dick from raping every goat in a fifteen mile radius
You had to put your toddler in time out for throwing cigarette butts out of its crib
You’ve ever converted a CPAP into a bong
You lost your pizza delivery job on day one because you used a Power Wheels as your mode of transportation
The wedding toast at your best friend’s wedding included the length of both your dicks at some point
Your wife started having a violent seizure during sex, but you didn’t stop to call 911 until you got your nut
Your mouse has ever left you a grocery list
Your coworker left breast milk in the fridge at work and you didn’t think twice about using it on your breakfast cereal
You were once on America’s Most Wanted and had absolutely no clue
You left more teeth in an apple after one bite than the seeds it contained
The first time you ever lifted at the gym you tried to do a jumping jack with 120 lb dumbbells and ended up with your shoulder blades visible in the small of your back
When you discovered online porn existed you didn’t sleep for 142 hours
Your coworker brought you the palette of girl scout cookies you ordered and forty minutes later you were in the emergency room getting your stomach pumped after eating them all
Your pornographic magazine collection couldn’t be picked up by a forklift
You were baptized in a horse trough
You’ve ever popped a Viagra before a physical so you wouldn’t be embarrassed during the hernia check
You took a cell phone call during pall bearer duties, resulting in your uncle being spilled out down a ditch into a lake
You accidentally attended the wrong funeral but still delivered the eulogy you had prepared
The first feel you ever copped was in a casket
You and your buddies sacrificed a virgin in an attempt to resurrect Ronald Reagan
You claim to be the only person who Billy Graham ever dropped ecstasy with
You failed your DMV road test because of Flappy Bird
You shared a bite of your medium rare porterhouse with your three day old
Microsoft refused to honor your Xbox’s warranty because it contained more pubes within it than electronic components
You’ve ever proposed marriage while in a Police line up
Your entire herd of goats cower in fear in the lower corner of the field every February 14th
You own the world’s only custom Fleshlight designed to replicate the unique sensations of an ostrich vagina
You took your brother to the urgent care for a point blank shotgun wound to the chest
The smell of KY gives you flashbacks to your Uncle Jim’s windowless wood shed
Your kids won the science fair by making an abacus out of their mom’s anal beads
Your wife’s engagement ring was a milk jug lid ring with a sequin from her prom dress glued on it
You gave out commemorative t-shirts at the orgy you hosted
You screamed so loud your son had to stop in the middle of his piano recital after you beat your Flappy Bird high score
You sharted all over your hand mid wipe and seriously considered committing suicide as a way out of the situation
You’ve ever bartered for something at Mighty Dollar
Anything that comes up on a Speak And Say reminds you a previous sexual encounter
You’ve ever made your child a jump rope out of pig intestine by simply pulling it out of the pig you just killed and handing it to him
You pocket purchased a brand new helicopter on eBay and decided to go through with the purchase to avoid negative feedback
You’ve ever cleaned Skoal off your dick with a squeegee
You opened a can of sardines and it reminded you to pick up your wife from work early
You gained a freshman 240 when you spent 17 years as a college freshman
Your mom decided it was time to ween you when your started jacking off while nursing
You replaced your child’s deceased goldfish with a hamster who only survived 45 seconds after treading water strenuously
You ball gagged your cow when its orgasm sounds were waking the neighbors
You’ve ever euthanized a trio of hamsters with a three hole punch
You broke your wife’s water with a fireplace poker so you could claim another dependent before the tax deadline
You dipped your dick in bubbling candle wax when you didn’t have a condom handy
You heard a bodybuilder talking about “two a days” and thought he was taking about masturbating
You opened a can of Vienna sausages and it reminded you to pick up your scoutmaster uniform from the cleaners
You have keys on your keychain that could open the door of houses that burnt down thirty years ago
You’ve ever had sex with a calf as it was being born
You had to use a snow shovel to clean the dust off of your entertainment center
You’ve ever had half your teeth fall out while licking a stamp
You cut down the hundred year old oak tree in your front yard to retrieve a June bug on a string
You’ve ever field dressed a deer with a chainsaw
You broke both your legs when the panty hose holding your deer stand up gave way
You’ve ever bought a used lottery ticket
You have two backup generators running 24-7 to fuel the 700 Glade Plug-Ins you have covering up the smell of cat pee around your house
You made your son a fake ID for his tenth birthday so he could get into the titty bar with you
You emptied a quart of Axe Excite spray onto your bare dick and still couldn’t get the smell of cow manure off of it
You’ve ever stared into a random girl’s eyes at a bar and then thanked her for donating to your spank bank
You’ve ever convinced your wife to give you road head to keep you awake
Your dog took a dump so big in your yard that it shut your riding lawnmower down
You’ve ever hunted finches with a 50 cal
You’ve ever been given a compliment for a dump you took in a Port A John
You’ve ever used a dead beagle as a flag on a load of timbers
You performed an accidental vasectomy on a fellow camper while pitching your tent
You’ve ever moaned so loud during sex the carny had to stop the carousel
You’ve ever clogged up your vacuum with condoms and pregnancy tests
You first marriage ended when you stole the batteries out of your wife’s vibrator for the TV remote to watch the race
You called your friend up and told him he looked good after his weight loss when you saw him on the evening news for a liquor store robbery
Your high school principal shoved your diploma up your ass on stage
You’ve ever scheduled a conjugal visit at a dog pound
You’ve ever circumcised a parakeet with a 12 gauge
You’ve ever gotten a billy goat’s sloppy seconds
You took your stud horse to a Craigslist orgy so you could keep the promises you made
You’ve ever accidentally drowned a kitten with a shart
You’ve ever been up to your elbow inside your wife while sitting on the back pew
A hot chick drowned in the pool you were swimming in and you tried to perform CPR from the inside with your dick
You’ve ever committed involuntary manslaughter at a putt putt course
Your dog uses a condom filled with condoms as a chew toy
You had to go into the ER on consecutive nights for alcohol poisoning because you accidentally celebrated your birthday a day early
You attempted to embalm your mother seconds after she died with a pocket knife, vacuum cleaner, and a spray can of sealant
You’ve ever been so drunk that you climbed into bed and banged the Hell out your wife without even realizing it was your hound dog Blue
You’ve ever point blanked yourself in the face with a fire extinguisher in order to stay awake during an AA meeting
You’ve ever had a nervous breakdown while trying to light a cigarette with a magnifying glass
Your wife is both your daughter and your mother
You’ve ever done laser eye surgery on your son with a
5 flea market laser pointer keychain
Your dog kennel is thrice the size of your house
After a night of heavy drinking you confessed to your wife that you cheated on her, but then realized you were mistaken when you saw the fist sized hole in your kid’s stuffed panda
You’ve ever been bitten by a mountain lion while folding a load of clothes
You’ve ever hung mistletoe over a pig pen so you would have an excuse
You got too caught up in watching Wrestlemania XXVIII and did a “career ending” pile driver on the family beagle
You went to fist bump a buddy because you had a good time at his party, but you were so drunk you swung and knocked out someone 17 feet left of him
You jacked off with hand sanitizer because you thought you had gonorrhea and figured two birds with one stone
Your MO is Miller Light
You took out a second mortgage based upon a fortune cookie fortune
Your children were expelled from elementary school because they did their homework on rolling papers
You extracted your rotator cuff from your shoulder to prove to your friend that it is a real thing
You’ve ever sharted in a stairwell and been charged with involuntary manslaughter
You’ve ever asked a goat if it was on its period
You’ve ever strategically sharted to win a game of Twister
You heel kicked your son out of your pickup while driving by his elementary school so you could get back in time for The Price Is Right
You remembered the 24 pack in the bottom of your shopping cart, but not your son, who was brutally crushed when you violently forced the cart into the return despite its screams
When the lady giving out free samples at the supermarket asked you if you’d like to try hummus, you said yes please and pulled your cock out
You’ve ever eaten a taquito through a convenience store bathroom’s glory hole
The birds and the bees talk you have your son included a microwaved burrito, two grocery bags filled with Jello, and a hollowed out Barbie filled to the brim with KY
You went to the orthodontist and he checked your teeth and walked in the other room where you heard a single gunshot
You’ve ever stuck a pitchfork through your ankle while jumping on a bed
Your wife’s panties smell like Levi Garrett
Your high school nickname was Chawdozer
You’ve ever spent a fortnight in a recliner
You sat straight up in bed out of a six month coma after your wife whispered in your ear that she was ready to try anal
You had your parakeet in the deep fryer 20 seconds after it passed
You ruined your daughter’s 3rd grade dance recital when your smartphone automatically connected to the Bluetooth speakers while you were watching porn in the back row
You’ve ever redeemed a Groupon for a hooker
Your best man pawned the wedding rings to get money for his tuxedo
You were charged with first degree murder after you accidentally signed up for Grindr instead of Tinder
You participated in the world’s first 17P as the judges from Guinness took photographs and threw up simultaneously
You’ve ever broken the horn off of your girlfriend in the heat of passion
You were a great grandfather at age 35
You can find your wife by smell from the other side of Super Wal Mart
You sent a message to every female friend on your Facebook that simply said: Wanna screw? and the only positive response was from your mom
The pawnshop has been in possession of your wife’s wedding ring more than she has
You’ve ever been so drunk you punched your way into a giant aquarium to save all the fish from drowning
You accidentally had sex with your sister when she wore your mom’s wig to bed
People steer multiple aisles out of the way to avoid you in Wal Mart to avoid getting contact emphysema
You caused 3.5 million dollars in property damage in your neighborhood when your experimental potato Gatling gun got completely out of control
All 7 of your children have the middle name Cooter, including your 6 daughters
Your emergency contact for work is a stripper named Lamydia
A random stranger kicked down your front door high on meth and you and your wife ended up having a threesome with him
You sharted so badly on the way to work that you had to wash your hair out in the bathroom when you got there
Leaning out the window and secretly resetting people’s trip odometers is the only thing that keeps you sane at your job at McDonald’s
Your last chiropractor visit helped you go from not being able to touch your own toes to being able to touch the chiropractors titties because you kidnapped her
You once pranked your friend by luding him into a coma and putting him on a chartered flight to Iran
You’ve ever given chlamydia to a possum
You were blown out of your deer stand after attempting to open a can of Potted Meat with your .30-06
You dressed your penis up as Willie Nelson for Halloween with surprising detail and accuracy
You hopped onto Santa’s lap at the mall, definitively breaking his femur while asking for a little piece on the side
You played Twister against your better judgment at your daughters Girl Scout jamboree and ended up having to stay a thousand feet away from schools for the rest of your life
You’ve ever licked a mule’s dick as a palette cleanser
Every time you take a dump, Glade Air Fresheners’ stock goes up a quarter percent
You once had diarrhea so bad, you had to go through 7 weeks of physical therapy afterward
You are the only person on the national sex offender registry that got there by convincing a third grade class to play strip Cranium
Your son did his high school senior project on fisting and you were his mentor
It was determined by scientists that on the week of July 4th 1997, you drank 1.28 metric tons of Bud Light
You’ve ever attached a Go Pro to a Fleshlight
The local fair had all of its rings stolen from the ring toss and you donated your massive cock ring collection
You put your Fitbit around a wild blue jay in order to win a fitness contest against your friend
You extruded 4 hernias, blasted 17 hemorrhoids, and popped your left eyeball out of socket trying to pick a super glued penny up off the sidewalk
You’ve ever gotten your dick tangled in a barbed wire fence while watching Family Feud
You’ve ever shredded your rotator cuff while sending a Tweet
You’ve ever been woken up by your pitbull mating with your open mouth and just went back to sleep
You didn’t realize for years that K Cups were a thing you brewed, you just liked eating them as is
You thought K Cups were an infantile breast size
You’ve ever eaten a Jordache backpack full of toaster strudels on a Wednesday afternoon
You’ve ever walked outside and looked at the sky and thought you saw Saturn but it was just your cornea separating
You’ve ever won a game of Red Rover against Siamese twins
You and your wife were having a nice Sunday brunch until a bird crapped on your head and you ripped her entire top off to clean it up right in front of everyone at McDonald’s
You can quickly tilt your head back at your friend and he knows that you’re talking about DP’ing his sister
Every time you hear someone yell “I’m coming” to someone else you instinctively reach for your dick
You gnawed the back legs off a new hamster because you couldn’t get its cage level
You left your friend’s wedding early because you reached your bag limit on dove
Your latest lifelong dream is to drive a Google Street View car down a nude beach
The first time you tried to use your printer in a decade it printed out 90% mouse feces
You’re on a first name basis with the 911 dispatcher
A drunken bet involving a Dukes Of Hazzard style car jump ended in tragedy when you forgot your daughter’s 5th birthday pool party was still ongoing
Your wife asked you to sweep the front porch and you tilted back your recliner and tossed a lit stick of dynamite out the front door
You started wearing your seat belt after your weenus snagged the drivers side mirror of a passing pickup and jerked you clean out of your car
All of your armpit hair was somehow ripped out while taking the SAT
You hosted a baby shower for your expecting Doberman pincher just so you could get a bunch of free stuff
Your son hit his first little league home run with a severed horse cock with three coats of lacquer on it
You’ve ever dozed off during a meeting at work and had a wet dream
There are no less than 7 mailmen buried in your back yard because you told them to stop bringing you bills
You discovered the thing that was making your riding mower not run was that your neighbor’s dalmatian was stuck in the drive shaft
You’ve ever chugged a Miller High Life during a parent teacher conference
You flipped a coin to decide the life of your puppy that chewed up the corner of your bedroom slippers
You’ve ever had so much Spanish moss crammed up your ass that you cried uncle and called off the bet
Your 300 piece poker chip set is composed entirely out of your sobriety tokens
Some of the things in your fridge have expiration dates written in Roman numerals
You can tell everything you will ever need to know about someone based upon what level they are on in Candy Crush
Your doctor told you that you had appendicitis and to save face you beat him unconscious, looked it up on Wikipedia, then shook him awake and resumed the conversation as if you knew what it was the whole time
You’ve ever chugged Harley exhaust to pay off a bar tab
You’ve never been on a blind date that didn’t end in rape
You rub every white powder you come across into your gums just in case
You opened a microbrewery where all you did was add grapefruit juice to Bud Light and called it Blind Midget IPA
You overheard someone badmouthing the Cowboys from three tables over at a Pizza Hut and regained consciousness in the salad bar, covered in more blood than you’d ever seen at one time
You unexpectedly smashed a guitar over your dad’s casket during his funeral even though neither of you played or appreciated guitar
You started a petition to have glory holes installed in all Port A Johns
Walking through your house had been described as living the opening credits of Hoarders
You had a panic attack and blacked out when you went to vote and the democratic candidate for soil and water conservation district manager was running unopposed
You’ve ever thrown a roundhouse kick in a desperation ploy to win a game of Go Fish
You haven’t eaten a fruit since the summer of 1993
You’ve never left the county
You accidentally gave your physician a facial during your last hernia test
You once tripped a random dude walking down the street and watched him plummet into a 40 foot deep storm drain and never told anyone about it
You’ve ever gotten alcohol poisoning at a KFC / Taco Bell
You dumped a pot of boiling spaghetti noodles on your son to wake him up so he would never forget his first day of school
You fed your five year old a quart of Ex Lax a couple of minutes before he went to sit in Santa’s lap at the mall
You’ve ever made love to a walrus wrinkle
You’ve ever had an officer ask to see your license and you had to dig through 50 shattered crayons in your wallet to get to it
You once delivered a breached kitten with a spork
Your Monopoly playing piece of choice is the beard you ripped off a rooster with your bare hands
You’ve ever shotgunned a songbird
Your wife somehow got an owl stuck in her snatch and came to orgasm every time it took to a hooting fit
Your wife had to have her perm redone when it was completely wrecked by a horse’s pussy fart
You’ve ever circumcised a chipmunk with a weed eater
Your doctor told you had stage 1 prostate cancer and your decided to forego chemo and sat super close to the TV for the a month
You signed your credit card receipt at a restaurant by writing “Wanna Screw After Your Shift?” in cursive
You taught your new puppy how to sit within 20 minutes of getting it because every time it disobeyed you blasted it with a Class 1 fire extinguisher
Your friend tripped and a steel garden stake went through his lung and you Snapchatted a pic of it to 911
You hollowed out a living sea turtle you trapped at the beach to make your daughter a backpack for back to school
You wiped your ass with a sea anemone when you sharted while scuba diving
You once had your beard trapped in a water wheel gear for 7 weeks
You’ve ever dressed up as racism for Halloween
You returned your Fitbit and cursed out a Dick’s Sporting Goods store manager because it didn’t register steps in your dreams
You won a Grammy when you recorded yourself sleeping on a tape deck
Despite having simultaneous pneumonia, typhoid, and meningitis you managed to keep your Cal Ripken like streak of attendance at Friday night demolition derby alive
The solution for head lice in your family involves 30 seconds of rigorous blowtorch followed by 1 sledgehammer smash
You conceived your firstborn in the top of a eucalyptus tree because you learned about the birds and the bees watching a PBS special on orangutan mating
Your town dug up a time capsule from the 1800’s and you scored a hit of chaw out of it and got smallpox
You flossed an entire mouse tail out of your bicuspids after eating your wife’s meatloaf
You threw up immediately from the smell when sticking your head into your wife’s wedding gown on your first attempt to remove her garter
You managed to knock out a blind date with one blow after she said she was into fisting
You didn’t learn that you could die or were going to die one day until age 47
Your profile pic on is you pulling a two ton tractor with your dick
You confused your eye floaters with a swarm of flies while eating your wife out, leading to a prompt divorce
Your dad found out he had to have a quadruple bypass but you didn’t hesitate to toss three rubber snakes and a burlap sack full of maracas onto him the morning before his surgery
You darted out in front of a school bus at an intersection so you would have an excuse for being 7 minutes late for work
You went into Chuck E Cheese with your 70 year old pedophile uncle and said that he had “That Benjamin Buttons Thing”
You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and eventually pawned it for cigarettes
When your son was born on St. Patrick’s Day you pinched the Christ out of him for not wearing any green, showing him tough love
You had inch thick calluses on your penis after spending a week at the national livestock convention
Your breath is so bad you sighed while on a dairy tour and made cheddar out of a 300 gallon vat of milk
You’ve creampied more Hot Pockets than you’ve eaten
The most important moments of your life always happened with a can of spray cheese in your hand
You were flipping through channels and came across a televangelist and within 4 minutes you had your firstborn tied to the kitchen table for sacrifice
You didn’t encounter a door until age 24 because you either ran headlong through walls or walked out the hole from the previous time
Your man cave has a Russian Roulette button on the wall which you can press and you have a one in six chance of being shot in the head
Your local high school didn’t make the NCAA basketball tourney, which destroyed your bracket
Steel rods became an intricate part of your life after you got on all fours in an attempt to boost your 478 lb friend up to a dunk in a pickup baskteball game
The prenuptial agreement you signed with your wife stated that she had to have her teeth pulled and get dentures so that you could get “gummers on the daily”
You knocked your preacher clean out mid-sermon when you flung a hymnal at his head after seeing a fly light on him
You registered as a sex offender on your 18th birthday, just to get it over with
You lost your job as a bookie on the first day when you accepted bets for games featured on ESPN Classic
You’ve ever been casually picking your nose and pulled a full shotgun shell casing out of it
Your home brewed Red Man Stout was exactly what it sounded like and killed more than a few people
You broke a pair of compound bypass loppers trying to clip your toenails
You’ve ever nicked your cock with a propeller while filming a homemade porno with a drone
You’ve ever hidden an Easter egg in the gaping wound of a roadkilled possum
Someone of a different color was hung at your wedding
You’ve ever pushed yourself up off the couch by flexing a hemorrhoid
You got out of an IRS audit because the auditor was bitten to death by copperheads while going through your files
One of your chores growing up was picking your own ass cheek flesh out of your dad’s belt holes
The census taker broke out a scientific calculator when he visited your home
You jacked off right in your seat on a commercial airline flight during takeoff to help yourself fall asleep
You have to clean your wife with a mop in between third and fourth breakfast
Your pitbull ate all of your chess pieces so you replaced them with used and unused tampons
You’ve ever clogged a colonic machine
You can sneeze anywhere in your house and kill in excess of 500 silverfish
You were browsing Craigslist casual encounters and noticed a listing for a swingers party at the same time and place as your family reunion
Your wife wore lipstick to your swingers party so she wouldn’t do any repeats
You were running a temperature of 109 after a half dozen copperhead bites, yet still drove through Krispy Kreme on the way to the hospital because the Hot Now sign was on
Your doctor told you that you had encephalitis and you told him “gesundheit”
You felt validated for letting your infant’s dirty diapers pile up 3 foot high in your bedroom when you were able to climb them to change a light bulb
You reached deep inside your wife and attached a GoPro to your newborn to get his perspective of being born
You’re allergic to the absence of gluten
Your spirit animal is a baboon high on cocaine
You made a PVC t-shirt cannon to shoot into the stands at your son’s little league games and ended up blowing a hole straight through Ms. Whitaker
You have hooks for hands because YMCA came on the radio while you were working at the sawmill and you couldn’t resist
You’ve ever been banned from a McDonald’s after using their hand dryer to inflate a blow up doll
Your wife sleeps with a mouse trap between her legs just in case it ever decides to come out of there
It was part of your prenuptial agreement that your wife had to have her gag reflex surgically removed
You convinced your county recreation department to start up an industrial league for Russian Roulette
You can’t operate a forklift sober or at least you’ve never tried
You’ve ever bleached your grandmother’s butthole at her request
You popped the top on a bottled pale ale using your grandfather’s overbite while he slept in his recliner
You’ve ever slipped an engagement ring through a glory hole
Your wife has a tattoo on her inner thigh that reads “Any reasonable offers accepted”
Your laptop keyboard is more semen than keyboard at this point
You circumcised your son with a bottle rocket and a shard of glass
You have to spray your wife’s undertitties for Madagascar hissing cockroaches about twice a week
You’ve ever clapped so hard for an encore at a Skynyrd concert that you broke both wrists
You attempted to kill an Indian convenience store clerk for extra credit in high school JROTC
You have a shared Facebook account with your goat
You once jacked off to boobies spelled out on an upside-down calculator
You tried to shoot an apple off the top of a friend’s head and ended up eating it while watching the first responders do their thing
You’ve ever killed a great grandparent in a surprise game of leap frog
You can walk out onto your porch at any hour and look in any direction and you will see dogs mating
Your doctor told you that you had severe scoliosis so you switched to Cope
Your pedometer reached a daily step count of 1.2 million after your friend accidentally left his Brazzers account signed in on your laptop
You had an impromptu daughter after you messed up the umbilical cutting of your newborn son real bad
Your catheter bag burst but instead of calling the nurse you ripped the tube out of your roommates dick and used that one
You got banned from your son’s elementary school for life when you started throwing bows during the father son three legged race
One of your farts has ever been responsible for someone’s lung collapsing
Your pickup can’t be driven under an interstate overpass
You put a sleeping gas bomb in the bass drum of the local marching band so you could grab up some instruments for your kids
You can play Eruption on a washboard
You know what Cale Yarborough looks like
You’ve ever walked into a pet store, grabbed a dachshund by the tail, helicoptered it until the tail separated, then said “Not that one” and walked out
When you give directions to your house you tell people drive until you smell manure and turn left
In a moment of financial desperation at age 32 you pulled all of your teeth because no one ever told you the tooth fairy wasn’t real
Your wife’s dildo has a pull string and primer
You’ve ever sent your wife a text that said: Happy anniversary baby, I’m drenched to the elbows with KY
You were banned from eHarmony for life after attempting to sign up under the username Rapefest
The first person who hired you on Uber was knocked unconscious when they didn’t duck as your horse passed under a low tree branch
You were asked to leave the zoo after you were caught in the llama enclosure with a roofie, a stepladder and a pair of wide receiver gloves
You went to the home of the inventor of the hot pocket and beat him to death because your first one burned your tongue like hell fire but gave him CPR because it was so damn good
You’ve ever blown a .5 and remembered doing it
Your middle school mascot was a vagina smoking a joint
You’ve ever been called a poor man’s version of someone else
You broke both femurs when you attempted reverse cowgirl with a cow
You slammed your front door when you came from a bad day at work but seeing your puppies cute little face made it all go away until you realized you had severed its head clean off when you slammed the door
You play a drinking game where you try to polish off a case of Natty ice during your morning commute to the sawmill
You’ve ever referenced a porn site during someone’s eulogy
You have a map of the United States above your bed that has a check mark on every state you have a DUI in
You’ve ever shoved a selfie stick, phone and all, up a hipster’s anus until you couldn’t see it anymore
You’ve ever towel whipped your child’s eyelid off to prove that you could
You left your swag in your will
Your wife went up during an altar call and when she bent over to pray your animal instincts took over leading to your lifelong ban from all Baptist churches
Your oncologist of choice told you verbatim, “Well, looks alike you got dem cancers”
You once walked out of an Olive Garden with a handful of scalp and teeth after your waiter delivered the salad without a black olive in it
The surface of your body is covered more by boll weevil bites than skin
You confused OCD with COPD and ended up organizing your closet while fighting back debilitating chest pains
You solve most problems with a roundhouse kick
Your mantle has way more body parts floating in in pickle jars than any mantle should ever have on it
Your prize was rescinded when the state fair’s committee caught you balls deep in your prize milk cow as they were about to pin it with the blue ribbon
You’ve ever jacked off while watching porn on an Occulus Rift while driving down the interstate
You and your cousin have given each other gonorrhea more often than you have Christmas presents
You founded the world’s first heavy petting zoo
You’ve ever walked up to a homeless man sleeping on a bench and took a dump straight down his windpipe
You’ve ever been pissing at a urinal and got a phone call from your sister and had it instantly change over to semen

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