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| You Might Be A Redneck Jokes (Page 1) |
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| About: These redneck jokes are Billtvshow.com originals, not by Jeff Foxworthy. They are by Billtvshow.com staff members Stephen Fox, Michael Fox, Brandon Woodie, and additional contributors, using Jeff Foxworthy's joke style and any similarities with other redneck jokes by Jeff Foxworthy or anyone else is strictly a coincidence. |
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You Might Be A Redneck If...
Jokes by Stephen Fox, Brandon Woodie, and Michael Fox
Additional Contributions by Tom Fox, Ray Austin III, Blake Caplan, Kevin Allen, Sean Fox, Nicholas Fox, and Nathan Chandler.
Joke Style by Jeff Foxworthy
Current Total: 1595 Jokes (500 per page)
Download Our Random Redneck Joke Generator By Clicking Here
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Your best friend is a raccoon
Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend
You have the same number of teeth as you have fingers
You’ve ever killed someone over a kick me sign
You’ve ever searched for gold in your dead grandpa’s chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within
You’ve won money off of your dead grandpa by playing poker with him
You’ve ever had to towel dry after a fart
You have a glass eye collection
Your pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off
One wall of your home is a tarp
You’ve shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kids back
You’ve ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer
You’ve ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs
You use a handful of creek mud as birth control
You’ve ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee
You’ve ever gotten a concussion reading the newspaper
You’ve ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye
You cover your kids with lampshades every time the social service people come around
You’ve ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost
You’ve ever had to wipe your butt with a shower curtain
You’ve ever put a living animal in an envelope
On the picture of your family tree, there are utility workers cutting the branches off
You think Papsmear is when your daddy got run over down at work
You’ve ever spit chawbacker in a county commissioner’s eye
Everyone in your family has one-syllable names
You named your favorite GI-Joe Billy Ray Cyrus
You’ve ever shot a boy scout in the chest with a beebee gun
You’ve ever mowed your lawn with a skill saw
You were conceived on the Tilt-A-Whirl
You have to take medicine for your plumber’s crack
You’ve ever broken a pair of toenail clippers
You know what your little girl’s farts smell like
Your brother died in a deer stand-making contest
You’ve ever shot a hot air balloon out of the sky
You have a body part that is a tourist attraction
You’ve ever taken out a mortgage on an RV
You’ve ever lost money in a bet involving a ceiling fan
You’ve ever broken a piano teacher’s arms
You’ve ever deep-fried a frozen dinner
Your pet goat died and you breastfed its orphans
You’ve ever broken a bone while stopping a metronome
Your job is a redneck joke maker
You’ve ever eaten anything out a vacuum bag
You’ve ever cooked Thanksgiving Dinner in an Easy-Bake Oven
You’ve ever had a light switch embedded in your forehead
You’ve ever done a back flip off of a 60-foot bridge
Every picture in your house has PROOF written on it
Your wallpaper is insulation and 2x4’s
You’ve ever made out with your girlfriend in a deer bed
You’ve ever won a trophy with someone else’s name on it
You’ve ever tried to get a date with a telemarketer
You’ve ever broken into your little girl’s piggy bank with explosives
You’ve ever used a kidney stone as a Monopoly piece
You’ve ever gone fishing with a sawed-off shotgun
You’ve ever dropped a beagle down a well to see how deep it is
You’ve ever given a Happy Meal toy as a Christmas present
You’ve ever gone to jail for being ugly
You’ve ever corrected your child with a beer can
You’ve ever drove a 4-wheeler through Wal-Mart
You’ve ever held a footrace in your bass boat
You know someone who died in an apple bobbin’ contest
You’ve ever done a cannonball into the live well of your bass boat
You’ve ever found something useful in a roll of fat
You’ve ever trampled a four year old while on a fast break
You lost your virginity on a layaway counter
You’ve ever stolen a pinball machine
You’ve ever been convicted of involuntary manslaughter in conjunction with an air hockey game
You tape A Christmas Story every year
You pull for the bad guys on COPS
Your momma birthed you and your cousin out at the same time
You’ve ever used an umbilical cord in a game of pin the tail on the donkey when you still had several other options to consider
You’ve ever killed a baby calf with a jackhammer
You’ve ever spent a fortnight in a mineshaft
You’ve ever had a family member entered in the county fair
You own a collectible card with monkeys having sex on it
You’ve ever jumped rope with a catheter
You use your dead dog’s carcass as a GI Joe training camp
You’ve ever delivered a baby with grill utensils
You’ve ever buried your life savings in the snow
Your role model is plastic
You got put in jail because of your first kiss
You’ve ever slicked your hair back with fish guts
You’ve ever bullwhipped the panda bears at the zoo
You’ve ever hand dug a hole and slept in it
You’ve ever slept with a hoe
You’ve ever eaten motor oil on pancakes
You’ve ever purchased a breath mint endorsed by a pro wrestler
You’ve ever worn a mousetrap in your hair
You think Ronald Reagan invented oregano
You’ve ever shared the bathtub with your carburetor
You’ve ever decapitated someone on a ride at the county fair
You’ve ever been convicted of capital murder in a bumper car incident
You’ve ever paid 28 dollars to skip in line for the bumper cars
You’ve ever been so desperate for money that you actually sowed an entire acre of nickels
You’ve ever signed a check with a blackhead
You’ve ever put a coupon for Shake N’ Bake in the offertory plate
You’ve ever done mouth to mouth on a hound dog
You think cottage cheese is when you farted at the Abe Lincoln birthplace
You punish your kids with Rubix cubes
You’ve ever swam a local lake looking for Gilligan’s Island
You’ve never seen a road sign while sober
You’ve ever wiped your butt with a Tonka truck
Your bed sheet is banned from flying over the state capitol
You’ve ever played a prank using real diarrhea
You think Bangladesh is a porn star
You’ve ever cured cancer with peroxide
You’ve ever washed your kids in a water fountain
You’ve ever given road kill as a wedding present
You’ve ever been in a documentary about The Great Depression
You’ve ever shot at the Cheerios honeybee on TV
You’ve ever fixed a transmission with pipe cleaner
You’ve ever flown a kite in church
You’ve ever put someone’s eye out with a ginger snap
You ever bobbed for apples in the wake of a boat
You’ve ever mad-dogged a glass of sweet tea
You’ve ever tried to pet a killer bee
You’ve ever maced a litter of kittens
Your momma’s hair color is sponge cake
You haven’t talked to your father in 20 years because of a snowball fight
You really believe you’re related to Texas Pete
You use earwax as C4 in GI Joe war games
You use electrical tape as eyeliner
Your idea of success is two raccoons in one night
You’ve ever turned a corner in your life because of an infomercial
You’ve ever looked at the ground and found a job
You’ve ever gotten red in the face laughing at an oil spill
You use your birthmark to pick up women
You’ve ever found your way back home using your momma’s varicose vein road map
You think Allegra will grow a leg back
You’ve ever spent your birthday at the Laundromat
You’ve ever had someone wipe his or her feet on you
Denture Bond is all that holds your dining room table together
You’ve ever tipped the pizza boy with game room tokens
You can wipe yourself with your mullet and do so
You punish your kids with hours in the tanning bed
You’ve ever salted your toothpaste
Your wife’s water broke and your brother tried to drink it
You’ve ever had an aneurysm trying to interpret a stain glass window
You’ve ever punched a proctologist to death because you didn’t know what he was before you went to him
You’ve ever had a head on while swerving out of the way of a black cat
You’ve ever breastfed a stray animal
You’ve ever been kicked out of a religion you weren’t a part of
Your pillow has ever crawled out from under you
Your ponytail has ever gotten caught in a ceiling fan
You’ve tried to use DECON to get rid of your rat tail
You’ve ever fallen asleep on a conveyor belt
You’ve ever pawned your birth certificate
You’ve ever broken your wrist trying to break off the long end of a wishbone
You’ve ever busted your teeth out with a Skip-It
You’ve ever given someone a piggyback ride to the hospital
You’ve ever gone door to door looking for work as a pallbearer
You’ve ever drawn areolas around your grandfather’s nipples while he was sleeping
You’ve ever fried an egg on a radiator
You’ve ever run a school bus off of an overpass
You’ve ever made a sport out of throwing live animals at cars
You have to wipe your feet before you leave your house
Your momma’s belt buckle says Hetero-Pride
You have a wooden kneecap
You’ve ever used a casket in a sporting event
Your bologna has a first name, it’s B-L-O-W-F-L-Y
You’ve ever sucker punched a little girl because of her hopscotch rhyme
A hurricane came to town and your trick forecasting knee exploded
Your idea of a pregnancy test is to eliminate all chance
Your significant other is a bed sheet
You’ve ever recorded your child’s birth on a Yak Bak
You’ve ever made someone a road map on a Lite Brite
You’ve ever had a swear word shaved in your armpit
You’ve ever used bread bags as shoes
You’ve ever used a wicker basket to hold up your car while changing a tire
You’ve ever stood in a corner so long that the Dunce Cap has become infused with your skin
Your wife uses gunpowder as eye shadow
You’ve ever won the lottery and asked to be paid in lottery tickets
You’ve ever used chest hair as kindling
You’ve ever drank tequila out of a top hat
You’ve ever been fascinated by a clothes hamper
You’ve ever made a necktie out of shotgun shell plastic
You were a pallbearer for Colonel Sanders
You’ve ever lost your index finger in a hoedown
Your wardrobe revolves around your teeth color
You’ve ever spent 20 to life because of a spin the bottle game
You’ve ever licked the freezer burn off of the unwrapped hindquarter of a deer due to a game of truth or dare
You’re stuck in a rut that has drawn media coverage
You’ve ever had your Christmas stocking filled with creek water
You’ve ever changed your baby’s diaper and powdered its butt with coffee creamer
You found your soul mate in the glare of a placemat
You’ve ever sunbathed on a merry-go-round
You’ve ever wrote a note to your wife on the fridge in maple syrup
You proposed to your wife on the Jack Daniels factory tour
You name your kids after salad dressings
Your last name is something that is contained in a toolbox
You’ve ever legally changed your first name to your CB handle
You’ve ever made night crawler jerky
You’ve ever wrapped a Christmas present in tobacco leaves
You’ve ever hidden an Easter egg in facial hair
You’ve ever played a game of street hockey with a dead squirrel
You’ve ever made a career decision on an 8 ball
Your wife has ever given birth by mistake in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever left a wooden nickel as a tip at a restaurant
You’ve ever given a friendship bracelet to a pine tree
You go to a church that plays Dueling Banjos during offertory
You think you have a legitimate chance of scoring with a cartoon character
You’ve ever found sustenance on a bar stool
You tell time based on when your dog has to go
You’ve ever gotten drunk in a closet on a mild summer day
You’ve ever yawned and burst someone’s ear drums
You’ve ever been the sole cause for a mosh pit to disperse
You’ve ever bought two animal crackers that look like they’re having sex
You’ve ever dislocated your jaw replacing a fire alarm battery
Your autobiography can be written on a bar napkin
You’ve ever patched a hole in the wall with salt-water taffy
Your wedding dress was actually a pee stained bed sheet
You’ve ever pulled a hamstring in a game of musical deer stands
You’ve ever totaled your car in an abandoned parking lot
You’ve ever freshened your breath with Lysol
You’ve ever used hairspray as deodorant
You’ve ever engaged in foreplay on a bulldozer
You enjoy watching stray dogs have intercourse
You’ve ever made chili so hot that you could see the fabric of time
You’ve ever gone into a china shop and come out with the deed
You’ve ever dipped cheese in beer for a midnight snack
You’ve ever been so dumbfounded by a magic trick that you quit your job to figure it out
You’ve ever watered your lawn with your radiator leak
You’ve ever written in a buddy on the Presidential ballot
You heat your trailer with incense
You’ve ever shot skeet while going down the highway
You’ve ever grown a beard during a game of hide-and-go-seek
You live in a county where a woman was put to death because no one could figure out how she got that little wooden boat in that bottle
You’ve ever put a hound dog up in the freezer on the hope that you could get it cloned some day
You got on TV because you can play the banjo with a weed eater
You’ve ever lost a loved one during a game of Foosball
You own a pinball machine rather than a car
You’ve ever fallen asleep in overalls that were still hanging on the clothesline
You have an ecosystem under your toenail
You’ve ever popped a zit and couldn’t see to drive
You’ve ever held a barn dance that registered on the Richter scale
You’ve ever ate the sandwich out of an evidence bag
You’ve ever held a lawnmower for ransom
You’ve ever chipped a tooth while eating yogurt
You’ve ever tried to bribe a state trooper with a free 20 ounce Pepsi cap
You bought pantyhose from a convenience store to cover your face just before you robbed it
You’ve ever used a urinal cake as soap in the shower
You have a conspiracy theory about wind chimes
You own a CD that’s called “Belching Beethoven”
You’ve ever driven over 3000 miles to buy an “I Love NY” bumper sticker
You drink a shot of whiskey every time that you dot an I
You’ve ever gotten seasick watching a screensaver
You’ve ever taken your dog for a walk in a burlap sack slung over your shoulder
You’ve ever smiled at someone and had a tooth fall out
You’ve ever shaved with a cheese grater
You’ve ever had a relationship with a girl until she shut the blinds
Your high school mascot was a dead janitor
You’ve ever made a potato gun that violates an ICBM treaty
Your mouse pad is your 4 year old standing completely still with his knees locked
You’ve ever gone skiing and had to be revived three separate times
You’ve ever had a fist fight with the man in the moon
You use the same thermometer to check your turkey and your baby
You’ve ever had to get drunk to pass a Breathalyzer
You have to say your ABC’s every time you start your car
You’ve ever tried to enlist at Old Navy
You’ve ever eaten a scoop of ice cream after dropping it in the cat litter
You’ve ever drawn a road map on a piece of bread
You’ve ever had to weed your dental work
You have permanent wild onion breath because of your diet
You got your name put in the local paper because of your subwoofer
You’ve ever followed a grocery bag caught in an updraft back home
You’ve ever been so drunk you tried to pick up a girl on TV
You’ve ever ate a blowpop just so you could swallow the gum
You’ve ever tried to write your chickens down as dependents
Your AIM screen name is beltbucklewifebeater69
You’ve ever looked up Jabba The Hutt in the back of a history book
You’ve ever gone to a job interview in an airbrushed T-shirt
You’ve ever covered up a black eye with a peach colored crayon
You’ve ever found a match for your kidney, but had to play that person a hand of 5-card draw for it
You’ve ever given 5 to 1 odds on the results of an ultrasound
You’ve ever thrown horseshoes back and forth at your cars’ hood ornaments
The only thing you could think or talk about on 9-11 was that wheat penny you found in your granddaddy’s overalls
You’ve ever dug up a grave when you needed new church clothes
You carpet pattern is raccoon feces
You’ve ever had your belt buckle pierced
You’ve ever followed a little league umpire home
You think the lower 48 stands for you and the other 47 people in your tax bracket
The color of your refrigerator is hidden by banana stickers
Your kid’s science fair project is on spaying cats with a 4-iron
You’ve ever chipped a tooth attempting to catch the garter at a wedding
You’ve ever poured antifreeze in your neighbor’s well simply because their grill is newer than yours
You’ve ever tried to beat a strobe light back into line
You are doing life without parole because of an April Fools joke
You’ve ever kept your kids out of school for a space shuttle launch
You’ve ever jumped off the wrong end of a high dive
You’ve ever pricked your finger when you didn’t have a pen or pencil handy
You’ve ever let your kids camp out in your satellite dish
You couldn’t care less about anything that goes on past the end of the dirt road you live on
You’ve ever gone beachcombing in order to make a mortgage payment
You’ve ever hit bone while shaving
You’ve ever shot your 22 at the men working on the cell phone tower behind your trailer
You’ve ever purchased a fake ID after turning 21
You’ve ever shattered a rib while trying to get to the phone before the answering machine
Your local police chief got his job because he pulled the high school mascot out of quicksand
You burned your wife’s china cabinet because you thought it put you at risk for SARS
You’ve ever got lost in your front yard
You make ends meet by allowing construction companies to dump metal in your little girl’s bedroom
You lost your first chest hair before your first tooth
You floss your teeth with extension cord
You’ve ever paper cut your kids for sassmouth
Your wind chimes are kittens tied to the ceiling with bells around their necks
You’ve ever backhanded a little old lady for rustling a bag of candy around in church
You’ve ever done a gravestone rubbing on the side of your son’s face
You’ve ever watched in wonder as copperhead bit your infant
You have a merit badge in snipe hunting
You’ve ever tied your shoelaces in a knot that put the Boy Scouts of America to shame
You’ve ever had your hand caught in between the left and right buttons of a mouse
You’ve ever beaten a dog unconscious with a watermelon rind
The most advanced piece of machinery in your home is the toenail clipper
You’ve ever raced go-carts for your sister’s hand
You’ve ever made emergency anniversary earrings for your wife out of fishing lures
You have to run your toaster to stay warm during winter
You’ve ever gone to Sunday School just to fart and make people laugh
You’ve ever run a temperature of 105 and still made time to watch the Dukes
You’ve ever sunbathed in a birdbath
You’ve ever ripped all of your chest hair out when you dropped a hell mary at a family reunion
You think DNA stands for Don’t Never Again
You've ever ordered out Chinese while you were trying to make up your mind about your order in the McDonalds drive thru
You’ve ever head-butted a hornet’s nest for 10 cents
You’ve ever ridden a riding lawnmower off a cliff in a concerted effort to win the America’s Funniest Home Videos grand prize
You’ve ever tried to help an old lady cross the street, but could only throw her halfway
You’ve ever punched a radio cleft in two when the song Sixteen Candles came on
You’ve ever gotten a carpet burn at church
You’ve ever written your phone number down for someone on the side of a turnip
You’ve ever spent a vacation guarding the sandcastle you made the first day
You’ve ever skinned a deer in bed
In order to go to sleep you count pit bulls mauling sheep
You’ve ever literally bet the farm on a cockfight
Your granddaddy’s headstone was carved out of the kidney stone that killed him
You’ve ever written a song about a poker game you were proud of
You’ve ever stuck your son’s hand in a wood chipper for chewing with his mouth closed
You’ve ever bought stock in a company simply because you liked the sound of its name
You’ve ever had a song stuck in your head so bad that you thought you were the person who wrote it
Your tackle box has depth charges in it
The best invention you could come up with to get out of debt was a solar powered rain catcher
You’ve ever had a foreign pen pal that could run circles around your English
You’ve ever busted out some teeth trying to get the correct Happy Meal Toy for your child
You’ve ever dynamited the sundial at town hall for making you late for work
You’ve ever set a wild cougar loose in an ice cream shop because you got the wrong flavor
You were born with a hangover
You’ve ever spit your gum in a largemouth bass, at the last second, in order to win the big fish prize at a local fishing tournament
You’ve ever waxed your car with cream cheese
You have a nickname for your glove compartment
You’ve ever attempted CPR on the corpse at a funeral
You’ve ever jumped off a Ferris wheel to impress a girl with five teeth
You come to high school football games just to point out genital-shaped formations in the marching band’s halftime show
You’ve ever done a line of shredded beef jerky
You ever burned your armpit hair off trying to use a scented candle as deodorant
You’ve ever thrown a handful of Viagra in your favorite fishing hole in hopes of something spectacular
You’ve ever written an excuse to get your kid out of school on a squirrel hide
You've ever copied your butt crack on a copying machine until it ran out of ink
You once snapped the arms of every members of your high school chess club because they were so different from you
Your landlord is also your tenant
You've ever gone tightrope walking in your living room
You can't remember what a skyscraper looks like
You've ever passed a test at the DMV out of pity
You’ve ever painted racing stripes on a turtle
You’ve ever removed the finish from a doorknob scratching your butt on it
You've ever pierced an ear with a rattlesnake tooth and a jackhammer
You can hitchhike without sticking out your thumb
You've ever gotten so drunk that you held a press conference to announce a new line of RV cup holders
You've ever run a transfer truck off a ravine because it wouldn’t blow its horn for your kids doing the elbow jerk thing at it
You've ever dropped a kitten over a scenic overlook just to see if it would land on its feet
You think poison oak is a good source of potassium
You've ever cut down a tree in your neighbor's yard because it blocked you from seeing their blender
You've ever flipped a police officer off just because you put a Bugle on your middle finger
You own a membership to a chaw of the month club
You enjoy the tangy flavor created by the backwash your uncle sometimes leaves in your soft drink
You've ever pickled cucumbers in your boots
Your lifelong dream is to be driving on a bridge when it collapses
You've ever tried to fish a disk out of your computer with spinner bait
You lost your girlfriend to a homeless gimp
You currently hold a 500 consecutive game losing streak at Monopoly
You’ve ever offended the offensive tailgaters in the infield at a NASCAR race
You’ve ever hotwired a remote control car
Your new trailer instantly burned down as soon as your pen touched the surface of the paper containing the text of the lease
You’ve ever shaved your armpits in a courtroom
You think rattlesnake bite will cure colic
You’ve ever drunk out of a spittoon for a nickel
You’ve ever harvested corn in the nude
You’ve ever filed a police description of a rabid animal that bit one of your children and used the term “well-hung”
You’ve ever been so drunk that you dropped off your mail in a box of playing cards in your sock drawer
You can make a crow call with your butt crack, goatskin, and a lot of butter beans
You bought a GPS in order to find your lost house keys
You think you’re a pimp because you set up a full-blooded blue tick with another of its kind
You’ve ever picked blackberries with a 15-ton tractor
You’ve ever carefully shaved a kitten and put a Cabbage Patch Doll head over it and tried to pass it off as a dependent for the tax collector
Your definition of making foreplay involves dusting the cockroaches off the bed first
You’ve ever siphoned prune juice out of an old sleeping woman’s jaw in order to feed your starving coondog puppies
You’ve ever let your blue tick hound sleep on your baby’s face because your great grandma told you it would cure the measles
You’ve ever mixed drinks at a baby shower
You’ve ever left a barnyard animal to cover for you at work and got fired because it did a better job
You replaced your wife’s lamp you broke with a plunger, a Frisbee, and a jar full of lightning bugs
You’ve ever rigged your own water line up from the creek through a network of snakeskins all tied together
You’ve ever been so drunk that you ate a piece of corn on the cob and later realized, in the bathroom, that it was a Lego space shuttle
You’ve ever had to dislodge a spider egg sack from the corner of your eye because you got into one mean staring contest
You’ve ever put up belly button lint at the horse track
You’ve ever stood on a street corner and thrown raccoon feces at rich people
You asked for your tax refund to be paid in melon peels to feed your hogs
You have both the talent and marksmanship to defecate in a mailbox at 45 mph
You’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have a deer stand in the ivy at Wrigley Field
You’ve ever given a relative such a warm welcome that you painted them their own driving lane all the way from their house
You’ve ever engaged individuals in high speed chases simply because you got a police badge in your breakfast cereal
You’ve ever made a poverty banana split out of Jack Daniels, a sun-dried hot dog, and some cottage cheese
You repaint your house every day because you like the smell
You’ve ever kicked an occupied baby crib over into the fireplace because you were too lazy to go out and gather firewood
You’ve ever awoken with a hangover and found yourself spooning with a severely dented lawn gnome
You’ve ever carved your kids’ names into their foreheads because you were too lazy to learn them
You’ve ever tried to impress your drinking buddies by putting a casserole dish over your head and run headlong into the hot water heater
Your beer belly is genetic
You’ve ever choke slammed a little kid for following and shooting you all around the laser tag arena
You’ve ever lost your graduation tassel and replaced it with a handful of your daughter’s hair
You’ve ever given a hitchhiker your credit card number in exchange for some Spam
Your one-toothed, half-paralyzed granny doubles as a can opener and coat rack
You’ve ever found a mechanic’s nametag while combing out your gote
You’ve ever asked your boss for your paychecks to be rounded to the nearest thousand
You’ve ever picked an ear of corn right out from under the sofa cushion you were sitting on
You’ve ever sued yourself for something you did when you were drunk
Your mama’s left eye is so lazy she can see stuff that happened 3 weeks ago
You’ve ever run out of water and took a bath in lottery ticket stubs
You’ve ever asked for your steak to be cooked alive
Your fiancés’ engagement ring came out of a machine called The Claw
The window of opportunity for you to make anything of yourself was broken by kids playing baseball down the street
You’ve ever broken a Ming vase over your knee because it wasn’t made in the USA
Your girlfriend, your mama, and your grandma all have a schedule for who gets the dentures when
You’ve ever used a handful of cow manure as sunscreen
Your kidney stones were eventually skipped across a lake
Your will explicitly states that your ashes are to be thrown out of the window of a car at a demolition derby in an attempt to wreck another car
You have a deed to each of your tattoos
There’s a plunger in your outhouse
You’ve ever posted a No Trespassing Sign next to an item of merchandise you planned to buy at a later date
You roasted marshmallows instead of calling 911 when your neighbor’s house burned down
You’ve ever taken a restraining order out on your parole officer
You think Old Yeller is a porno movie
You’ve ever shot billiards with your grandma’s cane
Your flyswatter used to be a stop sign
You have a tab at the dollar store
You have a 5-pound bass hiding under the lily pads in your swimming pool
Your livestock barn was built out of legos
You’ve ever clipped your toenails during communion
You were born with a CB handle
You’ve ever practiced changing tires at a junkyard
The figurines atop your wedding cake were actually cigarette butts with smiley faces drawn on them
You carried your wife across the threshold of your new home atop a John Deere
You wear the tennis shoes that your dog drags into the yard
You’ve ever peed in a Mountain Dew bottle and put it back in the fridge
You’ve ever stood on a bridge and peed on a passing boat
You’ve ever dove hunted with a tazer gun
You have to scrape the kudzu off of your car every morning
You had to repeat after school
Your sofa cushions are actually cakes of cornbread
You’ve ever made a Beech Nut quesadilla
You glaze your Christmas ham with antifreeze
You’ve ever made ice cream in a Port-A-John
You’ve ever gotten gas for your lawn mower in an empty bottle of apple juice
You’ve ever used breath mint spray to inflate a flat tire
You’ve ever driven a car with 4 temporary spare tires on it
You’ve ever gotten fired for making rock quarry angels
Your bed sheets change the color of litmus paper substantially
You’ve ever made a belt out of duct tape
You have a picture of a dead hobo in your wallet
Your job is breeding Chia Pets
You’ve ever fallen off your roof and had your fall broken by a disassembled car engine
You met your soul mate in a wooden school bus rain shelter
You’ve ever short-circuited a breathalyzer
You’ve ever played Monopoly for keeps
You’ve ever broken open a highlighter to add color to lemonade
You’ve ever eaten the blobs out of a lava lamp as midnight snack
You’ve ever pulled a dog’s tail so hard its snout came out its butt
Your breath has ever been the inspiration for a Stephen King or Tom Clancy novel
You’ve ever flossed a tooth clean out of socket
You think people who don’t ever bold their fonts might be gay
You’ve ever bobbed for toenail clippings when hard times set in
You’ve ever French kissed the knot in a tree for practice
You have two glass eyes but still can claim 20-20 vision
You’ve ever taken a vacation to Sandwich Islands because you were hungry
You’ve ever volunteered to perform CPR during an emergency in order to score some bubble gum
You’ve ever done a wheelie while horseback riding
You’ve ever gotten rid of Japanese hornets nest with a shop vac
You think a dime bag involves snap pops
You’ve ever put a kid into storage
The hit counter on your website says –1
The homepage you made is located at www.myhomepageisthebestestinjonescounty.com
Your high school allowed firearms on premise
You wear a condom when you give blood
You’ve ever checked a person for doing more laps than you at the walking track
You are physically inferior to a man that had most of his limbs amputated off due to frostbite
You’ve ever made snow cream out of your frostbite
You’ve ever asked for a recount on the results of the civil war
You’ve ever affixed bayonets when you disagreed with a call at a little league soccer game
Your umbilical cord was cut by your eventual son
You’ve ever whittled your coondog’s teeth to make him look meaner
You’ve ever eaten rancid meat in order to take a legitimate sick day
You’ve ever gone over a waterfall in a burlap sack
You’ve ever guessed a letter that you made up while watching Wheel of Fortune
Your concept of karma involves fondue |
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Contributing Staff |
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