You insist on continuing to use the toaster that was scientifically proven to have given your parents and grandparents terminal cancer just because it’s a family heirloom
You’ve ever named one of your kids Junior Jr.
You’ve ever masturbated while watching pitbulls fights
You’ve ever burned your great-great-great grandfather’s civil war musket just to keep warm
Your wife can sit down on a road cone without cracking a smile
You’ve ever pulled a tooth because it was too white
Your doctor asked you how your libido is and you told him you can’t get satellite TV
Your gun rack in your pickup truck doesn’t meet the clearance requirements of an interstate overpass
You’ve ever awoken to your wife playing with matchbox cars on her beer belly
One of your after church activities is going to WalMart and seeing who can get the highest score on the blood pressure machine
You have a DVD in your collection entitled Hunting Dog Orgies
You’ve ever walked in on your wife using a Dale Earnhardt Jr. action figure as a dildo
The sound of a coon dog baying makes your balls tingle
You’ve ever tried to cross the Atlantic in a 25 horsepower bass boat
You once put a soap dispenser label over a bottle of hydrocholoric acid, set it next to the sink, set up a hidden camera, and won 10,000 dollars
You wear a bracelet that says WWARRD: What Would A Rabid Raccoon Do?
You get all of your holiday decorations from the cemetery
You’ve ever had to explain to your kid why his stocking had a different name as police cars could be heard pulling up next door
You’ve ever looked up from a busted aquarium to see a news report showing a lumpy python under a day care jungle gym
You’ve ever dumped a bucket full of baby mice into a wood chipper just to see what would happen
You’ve ever given your kid a Tylenol for tuberculosis
You’ve ever made a first impression on someone that resulted in them questioning the existence of God
Your trailer park looks like a huge red dot on the child molester mapping website
Your computer has 64 megabytes of RAM, Windows 95, and a desktop completely covered by animated GIF’s of midgets having sex
You’ve ever turned the overhead light off, put a black light under your computer desk, flipped the switch, and had to visit an optometrist bi-weekly for the rest of your life
You’ve ever covered a hand grenade pin in seeds, set it next to the bird feeder, and watched with childlike wonder from 100 yards away
You took your baby girl deer hunting with you the day after she first watched Bambi
You ruined your daughter’s childhood by disproving the movie Dumbo via kidnapping and throwing an elephant off the side of the George Washington Bridge
You’ve ever hidden a hand gun in the spinning mobile above your baby’s crib
You’ve ever put a habanero pepper in your infant’s mashed peas and carrots purely out of curiosity
You once bought 32 goldfish from Wal Mart on a whim, but never even took them out of your back floorboard
You’ve ever literally mashed your child’s mouth with a potato masher after sassback
You’ve ever been raped by a gorilla, but later had no regrets
You’ve ever knocked on a hotel wall to tell your neighbors to keep going because you weren’t finished yet
You’ve ever played a simple prank on your mailman that resulted in him being trapped in a hole in your yard for a half a month
You put off digging a root cellar until the scanner said a tornado had just touched down a mile from you house
You’ve ever shot at Christmas lights in the shape of a deer
You ever smashed a dobrow over the pulpit after your southern Christian rock band brought down the house
You’ve ever donated the money for a new stain glass window for the church, with the stipulation that it must depict Willie Nelson stabbing Satan to death with a guitar-sword weapon thing
You’ve ever tried to help pay for your uncle’s lung cancer chemo by having him cough on a canvas and selling the resulting artwork
You’re the guy who makes all the other dots on the child molester map not even matter
You won the “Most Unique” award in your AA class because you were the only one there solely because of Mint Julips
The yearbook team created a humiliating superlative just for you: Most Likely To Die From Accidentally Consuming The Spoon From A Buffet Tray
You once threw the Guitar Hero demo guitar over 150 yards across a Best Buy
You’ve ever played the Christmas Shoes song in an abortion clinic waiting room
You’ve ever bet the right to bust your teeth out with a sledgehammer in a small poker game with friends
You’ve ever sung so hard at karaoke that you dislocated your collar bone
You’ve ever snuck into a plane, switched a parachute for a backpack full of silverware, and never once second guessed yourself until the sentencing
You think Bluetooth is a disease that hound dogs get
Your dog's gums are cut all to hell because you're too lazy to buy a can opener and too dumb to buy dog food in a bag
You can pop a blackhead and shoot the pus through a piece of saran wrap 5 feet away
You’ve ever dropped a cigarette butt in a homeless man’s stoma because you thought he was just an artistic ash tray someone had sculpted
You’re only one stamp away from filling up your frequent bail bondsman card
Your dissatisfaction with the state’s auto emission control program caused you to make it your lifetime goal to create a trampoline sized hole in the ozone layer
You’ve ever spent an entire afternoon laying in a hammock emptying 18 cans of hairspray off into the atmosphere
You found yourself taking a Braille class soon after someone gave you a book of Magic Eye puzzles for your birthday
You’ve ever skipped work to run through a sprinkler all day
You’ve ever gone full speed down a slip and slide, over the edge of the roof, and landed on the staircase leading down to the basement
You’ve ever lost a genital while going down a slide at the water park
You’ve ever started a campfire by throwing a stick of dynamite into a wheatfield
Your Christmas card photo showed you punching an Indian in the mouth with a talking balloon that said “Git R Done”
You’ve ever had to explain to your wife on your wedding night why you didn’t have one due to a goat bite when you were seven
Your childhood game of hiding a pitchfork in a pile of hay and jumping on it ended quickly because you played Russian Roulette to see who would go first
You bought a 120 GB video ipod for the sole purpose of being able to listen to Hank William’s “There’s A Tear In My Beer” on it
You burned every science book you owned after you threw a crystal vase into the wall and it didn’t break
Your kindergarten teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up and you were expelled for your answer and, as a result, achieved your answer
You did PCP in preschool
You bought an Easy Button, hit it, waited three minutes in silence, and then threw your golden lab through the patio door
You bought a BluRay player just to silence all those people over the years that told you that “blue” was spelled with an E
You’ve ever cut a line of cocaine with your toenail
You’ve ever held a cocked gun in your mouth to get your kid to go clean his room
You’ve ever taken a flight to Hawaii in order to win a game of license plate bingo
You’ve ever whomped your dog with a rolled up newspaper and sent him on home
You’ve ever tried your heart out and still lost a game of Twister to three paraplegics
You’ve ever scraped enough plaque off your teeth to fabricate a 1:24 scale model of the Washington monument
You’ve ever used sea foam as shaving cream
You’ve ever poked a hole through your cheek with a Hershey’s Kiss
You’ve ever stopped your child’s breathing with insulation foam and saved him with firecrackers
You’ve ever tossed a hamster onto a steamboat wheel and said “Welcome to the big time”
Your parents couldn't bear to tell you the truth about Santa Claus, so they threw a red coated mannequin down the chimney as you were reading a storybook beside the fire
You’ve ever bought a $30,000 snowmobile based off of a prediction in the Farmer’s Almanac
You spent more money in 2007 on unnecessary doghouse improvements than on groceries
Your audit created jobs at the IRS
You’ve ever thrown discarded biohazard needles at a world map while waiting for the doctor an examination room
You’ve ever swallowed a box of nails right before an MRI just to see what would happen
You’ve ever had a doctor forget you were being X-Rayed and they found you lying on the table the next morning singing Three Blind Mice, with a beach ball sized tumor on your forehead
You once made it on American Gladiators but they never aired that episode because you beat Laser to death with brass knuckles during a pregame handshake
Your golf swing has ever been described as an antelope giving birth during an earthquake
Your momma fell down in the bathtub and broke the seismograph at the state university
Your appearance on Jeopardy caused the producers to install trapdoors leading to snake pits under each podium
You've ever gotten wasted with your anesthesiologist the night before your surgery
You’ve ever sold Percocet to kindergartners at recess
You used up your all of your paid vacation days for an Andy Griffith marathon
You’ve ever played Shuffleboard with a stillborn puppy
